To : My dear Mum in Heaven...
Now i rather you and my dad quarrel...Coz without you,my home not really like home.Without you,my life seems no orders...Without you,i felt my heart is empty,becomes no feelings...Without you,my everything that seems important to me before this now become nothing to me...Include singing...Since the day you go,i din sing till now.Duno why,everything seems not important anymore...I miss you so much,mum...really...I miss your voice while calling my name...Sometimes when someone whose voice is quite similar to you is finding and calling my neighbours,I really thought is you...And i really hope is you...Before this when i come back from school or tuition,you always comes out and help to take my things.But now when i go home,i don't even can see your shadow already....Every corners of my house makes me thinking of you...I miss your shouting voice.Now i rather you blame me or even beat me,i really willing...But,all of this seems impossible already....I keep on blaming myself for not enough cares for my mum...but useless already.The feelings of losing a precious and means very much to you especially our dear mum is very very scary....Whenever i thinking of this,the scary feelings comes over me again....And missing feelings comes to me continuously...Mum,you always my best mum....Our loves for you will never end...You always live in my heart...But,i really miss you very very much.....I love you very much,mum....The loves will last until the end of my lifes.No words can describe how much i miss you and loves you already.....I wish in the next generation,you still will be my mum....Noone can replace you in my heart....noone...
From your dear daughter:
San
10th August 2009
I feel very shocked when i receive my aunt's call that my mum sent to Hospital,coz she pengsan as her blood pressure is too high..until she don't even can wake up at that moment..Just imagine one hour before this,my mum just send me to tuition happily by using her new car with my uncle..But just after your tuition,you receive such call,just imagine how shocked am i??!!Then after that rush to Hospital,I saw my dear mum have to depends on many machine to breathe,and she cant even open her eyes anymore,makes me cry unstop...unstop...my mind blank...shocked until don't even can accept.At that time,mum's blood pressure already reach 249...In contrast,blood pressure for normal people just around 110 or 120...I really can't imagine this...But,we still having hopes that after her blood pressure drop,she can wake up.
After that,doctor takes my mum to scan for her brain.Then he told me that mum will never wake up again,the chances is very small...Ask us whether want to have surgery on her brain or not.But even undergoes surgery,the chances she wake up also very small,surgery just to makes her live longer...This makes me sad until i can't even say one word,my heart seems empty...What should i do????I really can't see my mum blaming me,talking with me,shouting at me already???At this very sad moment,we still needs to make a very hard decision that whether mum should undergo surgery or not...Just imagine how terrible the situation is...The whole night when i back to my home,i just watch the wall of my room until the next morning...really,don't even can close my eyes...Whenever i close my eyes,a lot images of my mum will comes out already...Don't even can eat,don't even want to drink anything...
11th August 2009
At early in the morning,we went for a lot temple just to pray for my mum and ask many other doctors...And after that we go to hospital to see my mum again,I keep on looking the two machine which shows my mum's heart beat and inhaled oxygen level.This is very very scary,the rate of my heart beating just according to this two machine...I just scared heart beat or inhaled oxygen will suddenly stop...We keep on praying for my mum so that miracles can happen and she can wakes up...I bring my sister to see my mum,she cried badly too.Everytime i visit my mum,my tears comes unstop....At that moment,i really hopeless....I can tell you all that,I hate kelantan hospital!!!!!!They don't even know what patients want...even glucose have finish,but the trainer nurse don't even know how to change that,and keep on asking us wait!!!!They never think of how scared we are....how actually our feelings...And the doctors...sucks...Ask them this,they answer other things,or just say for my mum case,they just keep as conservation.Is it means that they will not taking care my mum like other patients???Want to change to other hospital,they said all full???!!!What the...I really hate that.
12th August 2009
my sister,me and my aunt go to Hospital to visit my mum again.Everytime when i want to step into the Hospital,I am very scared...I scared i can't find my mum in the bed again...When i go to see my mum,i am very shocked,what???Why my mum's heart beat drop into 60+??For normal people,heart beat is from 60 until 100...And 60 is quite low already,i shocked until cried again...Then we quickly talk to my mum,gives her some supports...Then finally her heart beats rise until 90+,we just felt relieved a bit...But while we massage my mum,i felt that my mum's hand is a bit hot!!!So i ask the nurse,but she said nothing...=.='what the...Then after we having our lunch and comes back Hospital again,my mum is sick!!!!!Another shock comes over me again..My mum's heart beat rise until 140+!!!!!And till now i also can't forget how the machine sounds when abnormal heart beat comes...I am very scared until i ask the doctors,but the doctors seems know nothing!!!!What the....I scared until i cried unstop again...But,i can't do anything,we just can keep on using cold towel to wash my mum's body....But this seems useless...After that we go to have our dinner again,but i don't even want to eat anything....After finish it,we rush to hospital again,heart beat becomes normal a bit,but then inhaled oxygen becomes low again,becomes 80+ again,this makes me more scared!!!As for normal people,is 99...Then ask nurse to do something,but what the...The more thing she put in my mum's mouth,the lower the inhaled oxygen level...sucks...But then we can't stay long,the hospital guard waiting us to go,just left my uncles to takes care my mum....we forced to go home.
Just reach home,me and my sister pray unstop...until i received my uncle's call,my mum like not ok already...My heart seems want to drop already...We quickly rush to hospital again.But on the half way,my aunt call me again...said,mum go already....My handphone drops my hand,crying and shout to tell my dad...me and my sister run to my mum's wad,call my mum unstop...for half an hour,but my mum's heart beat lost,inhaled oxygen signal lost....me and my sister shout my mum without caring anything...but useless....My mum really go already....I give my last kiss to my mum face....
How suffered we are while looking my mum's face closed by a while blanket and push into a room which is to keep dead body.After 2 hours,i just can stop crying....and prepare for my mum's funeral....
All of this seems a bad dream for me.if you ask me now,I just can honestly tell you,i still can't accept this reality....I still having feeling that my mum will comes back....I don't even can use my words to describe how terrible,how the worse the feelings that i ever had...until I don't even want to face anyone or even talk....The real sad is you don't even know how to cry already...You just felt empty at that moment....
Laugh can laugh,smile can smile,ok is ok for me,Now...But,with empty heart...Nothing is important for me already...really....Include my favourite before this...seems meaningless for me already...The only thing that i relieved is my mum go with smiling face....Mum,don't worry,we taking care ourselves properly...I will takes care sister,loves her more than before...you just go without worry...Once again,I love you,my mum....very much.....
Now i rather you and my dad quarrel...Coz without you,my home not really like home.Without you,my life seems no orders...Without you,i felt my heart is empty,becomes no feelings...Without you,my everything that seems important to me before this now become nothing to me...Include singing...Since the day you go,i din sing till now.Duno why,everything seems not important anymore...I miss you so much,mum...really...I miss your voice while calling my name...Sometimes when someone whose voice is quite similar to you is finding and calling my neighbours,I really thought is you...And i really hope is you...Before this when i come back from school or tuition,you always comes out and help to take my things.But now when i go home,i don't even can see your shadow already....Every corners of my house makes me thinking of you...I miss your shouting voice.Now i rather you blame me or even beat me,i really willing...But,all of this seems impossible already....I keep on blaming myself for not enough cares for my mum...but useless already.The feelings of losing a precious and means very much to you especially our dear mum is very very scary....Whenever i thinking of this,the scary feelings comes over me again....And missing feelings comes to me continuously...Mum,you always my best mum....Our loves for you will never end...You always live in my heart...But,i really miss you very very much.....I love you very much,mum....The loves will last until the end of my lifes.No words can describe how much i miss you and loves you already.....I wish in the next generation,you still will be my mum....Noone can replace you in my heart....noone...
From your dear daughter:
San
10th August 2009
I feel very shocked when i receive my aunt's call that my mum sent to Hospital,coz she pengsan as her blood pressure is too high..until she don't even can wake up at that moment..Just imagine one hour before this,my mum just send me to tuition happily by using her new car with my uncle..But just after your tuition,you receive such call,just imagine how shocked am i??!!Then after that rush to Hospital,I saw my dear mum have to depends on many machine to breathe,and she cant even open her eyes anymore,makes me cry unstop...unstop...my mind blank...shocked until don't even can accept.At that time,mum's blood pressure already reach 249...In contrast,blood pressure for normal people just around 110 or 120...I really can't imagine this...But,we still having hopes that after her blood pressure drop,she can wake up.
After that,doctor takes my mum to scan for her brain.Then he told me that mum will never wake up again,the chances is very small...Ask us whether want to have surgery on her brain or not.But even undergoes surgery,the chances she wake up also very small,surgery just to makes her live longer...This makes me sad until i can't even say one word,my heart seems empty...What should i do????I really can't see my mum blaming me,talking with me,shouting at me already???At this very sad moment,we still needs to make a very hard decision that whether mum should undergo surgery or not...Just imagine how terrible the situation is...The whole night when i back to my home,i just watch the wall of my room until the next morning...really,don't even can close my eyes...Whenever i close my eyes,a lot images of my mum will comes out already...Don't even can eat,don't even want to drink anything...
11th August 2009
At early in the morning,we went for a lot temple just to pray for my mum and ask many other doctors...And after that we go to hospital to see my mum again,I keep on looking the two machine which shows my mum's heart beat and inhaled oxygen level.This is very very scary,the rate of my heart beating just according to this two machine...I just scared heart beat or inhaled oxygen will suddenly stop...We keep on praying for my mum so that miracles can happen and she can wakes up...I bring my sister to see my mum,she cried badly too.Everytime i visit my mum,my tears comes unstop....At that moment,i really hopeless....I can tell you all that,I hate kelantan hospital!!!!!!They don't even know what patients want...even glucose have finish,but the trainer nurse don't even know how to change that,and keep on asking us wait!!!!They never think of how scared we are....how actually our feelings...And the doctors...sucks...Ask them this,they answer other things,or just say for my mum case,they just keep as conservation.Is it means that they will not taking care my mum like other patients???Want to change to other hospital,they said all full???!!!What the...I really hate that.
12th August 2009
my sister,me and my aunt go to Hospital to visit my mum again.Everytime when i want to step into the Hospital,I am very scared...I scared i can't find my mum in the bed again...When i go to see my mum,i am very shocked,what???Why my mum's heart beat drop into 60+??For normal people,heart beat is from 60 until 100...And 60 is quite low already,i shocked until cried again...Then we quickly talk to my mum,gives her some supports...Then finally her heart beats rise until 90+,we just felt relieved a bit...But while we massage my mum,i felt that my mum's hand is a bit hot!!!So i ask the nurse,but she said nothing...=.='what the...Then after we having our lunch and comes back Hospital again,my mum is sick!!!!!Another shock comes over me again..My mum's heart beat rise until 140+!!!!!And till now i also can't forget how the machine sounds when abnormal heart beat comes...I am very scared until i ask the doctors,but the doctors seems know nothing!!!!What the....I scared until i cried unstop again...But,i can't do anything,we just can keep on using cold towel to wash my mum's body....But this seems useless...After that we go to have our dinner again,but i don't even want to eat anything....After finish it,we rush to hospital again,heart beat becomes normal a bit,but then inhaled oxygen becomes low again,becomes 80+ again,this makes me more scared!!!As for normal people,is 99...Then ask nurse to do something,but what the...The more thing she put in my mum's mouth,the lower the inhaled oxygen level...sucks...But then we can't stay long,the hospital guard waiting us to go,just left my uncles to takes care my mum....we forced to go home.
Just reach home,me and my sister pray unstop...until i received my uncle's call,my mum like not ok already...My heart seems want to drop already...We quickly rush to hospital again.But on the half way,my aunt call me again...said,mum go already....My handphone drops my hand,crying and shout to tell my dad...me and my sister run to my mum's wad,call my mum unstop...for half an hour,but my mum's heart beat lost,inhaled oxygen signal lost....me and my sister shout my mum without caring anything...but useless....My mum really go already....I give my last kiss to my mum face....
How suffered we are while looking my mum's face closed by a while blanket and push into a room which is to keep dead body.After 2 hours,i just can stop crying....and prepare for my mum's funeral....
All of this seems a bad dream for me.if you ask me now,I just can honestly tell you,i still can't accept this reality....I still having feeling that my mum will comes back....I don't even can use my words to describe how terrible,how the worse the feelings that i ever had...until I don't even want to face anyone or even talk....The real sad is you don't even know how to cry already...You just felt empty at that moment....
Laugh can laugh,smile can smile,ok is ok for me,Now...But,with empty heart...Nothing is important for me already...really....Include my favourite before this...seems meaningless for me already...The only thing that i relieved is my mum go with smiling face....Mum,don't worry,we taking care ourselves properly...I will takes care sister,loves her more than before...you just go without worry...Once again,I love you,my mum....very much.....
5 comments:
hui san..dun b too sad ady ya..
i thk ur mum oso would not like to see u become too upset..she will still hope that u will still carry on doing whatever that u like..pls take care of urself ya..
ya..Thanks ya,i will de..u too,take care and gambateh.I appreciate cares from you all...I will keep in my heart.=)
hey neighbour ^^
glad to know tat u r fine
u r tough :)
everything will be alrite k.. take care of urself. jiayou.. :)
Kk,Thanks ya,ee wern...I will de.U too,gambateh in everything...I appreciate ur care.=)
be strong....
From: blog walker..
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