Feel

Feel is something can't be touch, can’t be understood, can’t be described; it just can be feeling inside our heart. Happy life should be simple, but yet human always get into more and more complex because of our feelings. Jealous feelings seriously can lead one into murder, goes into a wrong road and can't return back already. Sad feeling might cause commit suicide, destroy one's life. Happy feeling most wonderful, but it is too hard to achieve cause by our complex feelings. I know and totally understand that simple life lead to happiness, but yet how to make our life simple if we are having such complex feelings? And how to makes our feelings simple?

Feel can change anytime, sometime we can't even understand and can't even realise it. Try to imagine, how can it be? Just like sometime we thought we never like that person, but yet after sometime, we just realise actually he or she already left a very important place in our heart, but sometime it is too late to realise it. We thought we very hate that person actually we still very love that person. How can it be? It just can’t be explained.Without feel,without love, and without marriage, without break up,without sad,without happy,and human will become machine, this world no more wonderful.

We can cause of a feeling did something very crazy although we know it is crazy, but we just willing to do this just cause of this feeling. I guess everyone did this; I totally understand such type of feeling. Just like, I have a story here, someone without any reason, she very obsessed to one famous student who are very good in study and sports, treat her as idol, she just willing to do anything to get near into her, she never give up, this efforts never stop and continue until now, although she might get nothing in the end, she never regret although she know how stupid she is before this. But human inborn to be greedy, once we sacrifice a lot of things for someone, we will hopes for feedback from he or she, if we can’t get what we hopes, we will start to hate or blame him or her. But is it we should think like this? Is it the person makes us sacrificing everything for her or him? Is it he or she asks us to do this? The answer is NO, so we should not hopes any feedback from them, as all stupid or crazy things did just cause of our willingness, nothing related to them.

I wish there are ways to get rid of those negative feelings instead of have to wait it to fades away itself. This will makes us very suffer and can’t think of any way to solve it. But I know the only way to control this feeling just our conscious thinking, we should always have positive thinking, and think something from another views. This will make the thing simpler. Sometime not only complex feelings make our life complex, but also we ourselves make our life complex. Sometime a thing actually is very simple, but we human like to enlarge it. Just like break up with our boy friend, we try to enlarge it by feeling very sad cause of it and trying to tell ourselves we can’t life without he or she as our girl friend or boy friend. But after few days or if more serious, we actually can feel ourselves already can get rid of it. The truth is not you can’t, but is whether you want or not. If you can’t, that means you still hopes for something. If you want to get rid of it, sure you can do it, the condition is you truly get disappointed and already left no hopes for it.

Feelings are complex, but yet we can make it simple by our conscious and positive thinking. Add oil for everyone includes myself! I hope I can make my life simpler and happier!

放下往事

放下往事？说得容易，但要做出来真的很难很难...即使负出最大的努力也未必做得到。要怎么放下思亲的心？要怎么放下你最亲的亲人为你所做的一切？要叫我暂时抛下也不可能，思念并不痛哭，痛哭的是思念永远都不会回来的亲人...再怎么思念，她也不会再回来了。别人老是说，她们永远活在我的心。有用吗？永远都无法再牵她的手，永远都无法再感受她再次摸摸我的头，无法在撒娇，无法再抱着她不放...只能凭记忆记得她，只能在梦里看到她。这种痛苦我再也承受不住了...

我以为我真的放下了，原来我在欺骗自己。因为一听到有关妈妈的东西，或则“妈妈’这个字，眼泪就好像控制不了了，一滴滴地滴下来，想忍也忍不到，真感觉自己很没用。常常想回往事。在这里想说一个故事，但是是真人真事，绝对没有夸张或骗你们。有一个家庭其实蛮穷的，刚开始是住板屋罢了。家里只有两辆老moto，老是死火，爸爸老是埋头苦工到半夜才回来，但是妻子还是会等着他回来，帮她弄烧饭菜，弄热水让丈夫冲凉不会感冒。然后载送儿女去补习，去上学就靠妻子了。这家的人最怕下雨，为什么呢？因为他们住的板屋会漏水，几乎还必须提心吊胆那屋子会不会倒下来，妻子都担心得不敢睡觉。然后还会担心，隔天早上会不会下雨，否则儿女又要全身湿湿到学校了，也深怕她的老moto碰到雨水会死火，不能走。一边一直祈祷...但是不好的事总会发生，雨还是下了，但是妻子还是不会放弃，还是硬着头皮骑着她的老爷moto载孩子去学校，而且还必须载两程，因为有两个女儿，三个人无法挤在一个moto上。她还是毫无怨言地继续，从女儿小学到中学都一样，而且还老是劝女儿努力读书，做个有用的人，能上到大学。

不好的事情也发生在这个家庭里，小女儿生成竟然是听不到的，而且也无法像常人一样说话。这让妻子伤心欲绝，每天都回想到她可怜的女儿，每天都流泪。但是她还是不放弃，到处寻找可以医她女儿的放法，但始终都还是没有办法。她还是送她女儿去平常小孩的学校，她坚持要证明，她女儿虽然听不到，但还是可以和平常小孩一样读到书，她真的有所成功，至少它女儿在班里不是最差的那一个，还比正常学生行。她还很努力为家里添补家用，一个人做两份工。每天都缝衣缝到三更半夜，但她还是不会喊累。常常省吃俭用，不舍得买任何东西给自己。她对女儿说;‘新年要到了，走，去买衣服给你们。’女儿问她；‘那妈妈要买衣服给自己吗？’她就会说；‘妈妈没关系啦，只要你们有，就可以了，你们开心，妈吗无所谓的。’她从来都不舍得买衣服给自己穿。生日或母亲节时，儿女问妈妈要什么，她总是回答说，她什么也不要，只要儿女考到好成绩，乖乖就好了。

随着爸爸的努力，家庭经济终于有好转了，一家人搬到一层排屋住了，不需要再担心下雨屋子会倒下来了，她终于有好觉可以睡了。但是她还是依然省吃俭用，依然还是必须骑老moto载两个女儿，每天都没有闲空的时候。直到终于这家人盼望的日子到了。他们终于有钱买第一辆车了，但是为什么老天要戏弄这家人呢？？？正当她很努力地要学车，因为想用汽车载女儿时，她因为太紧张了，导致血冲脑，高血压。在医院坚持了三天，就离开了这个家庭，这个世界...辛苦了一辈子，正当要开始可以享福时，老天就夺走了他的生命，就离开了这个世界，真不明白为什么老天要那么残忍！！！

这家庭的大女儿就是我...会想不到吗？我想，我也从没有让我朋友知道吧。你们说，没有了一个那么伟大的妈妈，这家庭该怎么办才好呢？？？事情突然让他们无法接受。在她的丧礼里，她的朋友己满了整个场。个个痛心欲绝，对她的一生只有赞，绝无批评。老板称赞她，绝对是个尽责的工人，很勤快...每一个人都说爸爸很庆有她这一个那么好的老婆。准备丧礼的时候，想找件美一点的衣服都没有，真让我痛心不已，因为记起她从来都不舍得买衣服给自己...妈妈，您太好了...是我从前不会珍惜您，多么后悔也没用了...

妈妈，我永远以你为荣！！！！你是我最好的妈妈，没人能取代的...我很想很想你。

Step into my hometown again...

"For all of your information,im now studying at local uni Unimap,perlis.I'm sorry that have been a long time do not update my blog posts,promise will update it when i am free.=)"

When i was on my way to Perlis,I'm thinking i will have a new life at there,and i hope that i really can be happy at there.And yeah,this turns out to be true.I really had a happy life at there,although the environment at there a bit 'speechless',but I having a very cute coursemates.=)Hmm,about our lovely coursemates,i will update in another posts la k,be patient.While im studying at there,i'm slowly away from insomnia,maybe because of busying with all the assignments and tests,and i thought i'm already fine and ready to accept the truth that my mum already up to heaven...

After roughly spending two months at there,there is time to get back here,i'm really very scared and worry...wonder how my sis changed to be,wonder what is happening in family already,wonder whether i will be very suffered and sad when i get back into the family again..My heart full of nervousness and worries,i don't know what words should i use to describe it.

The moment i step into my hometown...Unexpectedly,my heart very pain,tears just running my eyes.My mind just like replaying the slide shows of the days when my mum at hospital...How i suffered when im just can see my mum lying on the bed and leave us,but i just can't do anything except just crying badly at there...I'm really very sad until now,the 3th days i have been in my hometown.I realised that all this while i'm just cheating myself,i never away from this,the most bad dream in my life...never...I'm just a very weak girl,missing my mum every seconds i'm alive in this world... I really miss her,miss her everything...1 years had gone,but yet i'm still like this,i really don't know what am i going to do...

Do you understand my feelings?Missing someone that will not come back to you again is more more more worse than missing someone will come back to you just the problem of time only...

"Mum,do you hear me?I really miss your scolds,your laughs,your smiles,your shoulders,your teaching,your everything...I really very miss you deeply comes from my bottom heart...did u know that?I'm wonder whether along this time i'm just living under your shadows,your images,i'm just never away from all of your memories...And I'm sorry i can't take good care of sister,please tell me what still can i do?what can i do for sister?what can i do for this family already?I'm really helpless...How good if you are still here with us..."

Instead of such kind of sad feelings,this time i try to think from my dad's side..I think no matter how he have did wrong,he still my dad...No matter how,i still will try my best playing my roles as his daughter..taking good care of him..I will try my best...I will talk patiently with him,will not argue with him like last time already,i promise...I really don't know why this time come back,i can be like this...I wish I can keep this up and maintain a good familyship with my dad...Really hope one day there will be no quarrels in my family again and my sister will become more and more good..Mum,please give me some strength to continue all of this...

Happy Mother's Day...

Recently I do change to become more and more cheerful and realistic. But, I guess I have to become emo a while over here…I am thinking my mum again, just want to express my very miss feelings to her…

For me, my mum is very very great in my heart. No one can replace her, no one can compared with her…I want to say some stories over here..My mum having ten sisters and brothers in her family, five brothers and five sisters…And she is in the second eldest among all her sisters and brothers. Before my grandpa passed away, her family is very rich because my grandpa is very good in doing Business. But unfortunately my grandpa also passed away very early, about 40+years old. So, after that my mum’s family becomes more and poorer, because my grandma doesn’t know how to carry on my grandpa’s business. And plus my grandma are too kind and too honest..So, she very easy was being cheated. And because of that, my grandpa’s business become more and more bad…Thus, soon my mum’s family becomes more and more poor…

So, in order to support this big family, my mum decided to give up her studies and comes to Kelantan to work from her home town, Terengganu. At that time, she just 16 years old. She only work as a simple tailor over here, but she very very hardworking, in order to pay all the study fees needed by all her sister and brothers who are still very small and studying. She always told me, she even make a schedule for her tailor work, such as in two hours, must be able to sew one trousers…Just imagine how hardworking is she. Hence, because of her hard work, her sisters able to finish their studies. Some of them be teacher, some of them become clerks…etc.

Just because she doesn’t have a higher education, so she works as a tailor along her life. She is a great tailor who can be very neatly in sewing…But, as a tailor, her salary not much. So, she always keeps living in a busy life. When she is young, she has to support her family, now when she gets older, she still have to support our family. As my dad’s salary also not really high So, every time while my mum is working hard, she keep mentioning, she want to keep more money for me and my sisters, to further our study…

My mum is a very kind people, so she had a lot of friends and a very wide social network. She can talk easily with anyone around her even though she doesn’t even know that people. But she can be very fierce also, as she very strict in me and my sister’s study. Always ask us to study more everyday. At that time, I really felt very angry coz sometime she don’t even allow me to watch movies some more. But now I do realized that all what she did just for our own good…

My aunts and uncles always said that, without my mum, they won have today’s…And until now, I still keep on receiving my mum’s friendssss phone call. As some of them don’t even know when my mum had passed away, they just get a shocked. As they always meet my mum, my mum always so healthy. She is a very active person, always run her activities over here and there, find her friends to talk..None of my mum’s friends talk bad about her, but just always keep praising her…She is very responsible to take care of her family,support her family,very hardworking as she always very busy,very tough,very brave,very kind…etc.

When my mum’s friends keep saying, they really shocked when knows my mum passed away, I just so wish to tell them, then how about me?????????Just imagine, during morning, I just talk very happily with my mum…and always had heart to heart talk with her. But soon after tuition, I totally nearly faint when I received my aunt’s call that my mum had went into hospital coz of stroke!!!And after that, she don’t even can open her eyes to see me, don’t even can open her mouth to talk to me…until she really leaves us without any words…Just in three days, things can changed until so fast???Until I can’t believe this is the truth!!!Everything changed in just three days….

Mum, I love you more than I do…I miss your everything…I miss You badly deep inside my heart. I hope You can receive every wishes from my heart every day…that I really wish You doing very fine up there. Can You see me??I really tried hard to carry on my life, continue to support this family, and face any problems cheerfully…I really tried my very best to be your good daughter. I hope You can hear me…Happy Mother’s day…mum…I always proud for having You as my mum…You always live in my heart…

'SOMETHING'

Since shapoh yiewan asked me to write 'something' in this rotting blog,then here i am la,and so i write STH here lo,Haha.Guess not going to write about my daily life,maybe next post la.Let's come to my all sorts of feeling again...I am thinking,this few months i have did a lot 'the first time'...

The first time I start to drive my new car on the road,the first time i felt the terrible feelings of lossing our loves one,the first time i learn to settle all sort of problems by myself,the first time i cook for my family every day,the first time i tried my very best to take care my sister,the first time i doing my very hard decision without my mum,the first time i felt so terrible for this 'qing ming'....etc.

By doing all of this 'the first time'...I really do felt very hard and very tired.It seems like noone can i depends,I just realise how important my mum for me.But yet it is too late already..For now,i just can continue to do all of this 'the first time' to continue my life,or else i can't imagine how my life will be...An example,when i am thinking the time when i want to go study,i am thinking who is going to bring me go.And i guess i end up with i can go by myself.I can't depends on anyone i guess...Noone.It seems really hard for me,but what can i do?i just can keep on being tough and slowly settle all of this problems.I really pray hard that everything coming soon in my future will be smoother...*pray hard*.

Such feelings that noone can depends and everything got to count on myself,i really don't know how to describe...You will never know if you do not undergoes...I just realise how hard our lifes will be...Mum,when you are here,you really always the place that i can depends,that i can feel your loves,that i won't felt so helpless....i won felt so hard...I terriblely miss you,and i always loves you.Life?is it so hard for me?Hope all the best for me ba.Friend,appreciate,take care and loves your mum more when they are still there for you all...I really hopes you all will appreciate this.When you lossing her,you just know how terrible you are,how helpless you are,how hard your life going to be...

Other than this,along this holiday,some friends i really long time din meet them.Recently,i do really miss them so much...>_

Memories always is the 'thing' that able to makes your heart felt sour and at the same time felt sweet...Of cause if for sad memories,it is able to make your heart felt sour and at the same time felt sad...and the same time tears drop too...right?but yet weird,all of this can't easily deleted from our mind even we wish to.

Sometime some memories or someone we actually just din think about it already but yet all of this can suddenly comes out in our dreams...So,when we wake up,it just a refresh back for us,making us think back all of the past time,the people involve during the past again...And we will started to miss them fully from our heart.What does this means?is it means actually all of this memories in our bottom heart,just we don't realise it?I also wish to know about it...

'Miss',can let people felt sweet but yet can makes our heart felt sour and finally end up with crying...Such a complicated feelings.But,we just can't avoided from such kind of feelings...I believe everyone do have such kind of feelings...Missing someone that we can meet again in other time is ok,but yet if missing someone who already in heaven or went to a place that are very far,then this can be very very painful...Miss but yet can't see them again...You will not understand how sad this feelings are if you do not undergoes all of this.

So,appreciate every single people around you when they are still with you...especially your parents...Loves them and take care of them or else you sure will regret...

The reality of life...(for me)

There have been three months since my mum's go.During this period,i really learnt a lot of things about the reality of life.Life?is it so cruel and unfair?Just try to imagine,some people able to get what they want.Some people,maybe they have tried hard,but in the end they still might get nothing.Starting from the moment human born,we already walking to the road of death.Somehow i will think,if when we just born,we already heading to death,then what for we still striving so hard?As in the end we also will walk on the road of death and go somewhere else which we don't know.The difference just some people step on the road of death earlier,whereas some people later..But,this is absolutely wrong thinking.We should think like this,in reality,life is really like brief candle,so in this short of period,we should do as much meaningful things as we can.We should live life happily and meaningfully.So that,when we want to close our eyes and step on to the road of death,we will not regret..right?


All things happen in life are really unpredictable.Honestly,until now,whenever i think about what happen to my mum,I still thought is it a dream??For me,it really happen too suddenly until i still need some time to accept it.Along this year,i really heard a lot of bad things happen to the others and including me myself.One of my schoolmates from Chung hwa,it is so pity that in only one night,he lost his father and his brother,and even her mother and sister still lying in hospital,because of one scary accident.During his father and brother's funeral,he also could not attend.Just because he have to take care of his mother and sister at hospital.How much pity is him if compared to me...This prove that there are really many things that we cant predict and we cant control..No matter what happens in our life,what we can do just appreciate what we have around of us...live meaningfully and happily.When something bad happen to us,we have to hold on,accept and still have to striving hard for our own life.This is what we called 'life'..

For me,life is really cruel.But what can i do?blame for the God for taking my mum's life so early??blame myself coz less care of my mum?blame the new car?blame for my dad coz buy the new car?I really did blame for all of this before this,but now i realise useless for me to blame all of this,coz although i blame for everything in this world,my mum will not return back already....What i have now,just my little sister.She is my only hope,whenever i am sad,i will think of her.I will holding on just because of her...

During this period,i really really suffered a lot.This feelings...not everyone can understand it...My heart like broke into pieces,very pain sometime.But,i felt lucky that i have all of you.Your(refer to all of my friends) support,your advices,your helps and everything...makes me try to stand up again and again...really thanks....Without friend's support,I can tell you,i already collapsed long long ago...

And by going through all of this,I think i am not easily sad like before this.Now i only realise what is the most sad things..and i have undergo the most sad thing in my life.Thats why others less important than this will not makes me sad already.And i know more about the reality of life,but by knowing all of the reality of life,the conclusion that i have made just one..'Life is really very short,appreciate what we have,coz u can't predict when they will lost...and at that moment you will very regret.'Life is cruel,but we still got to accept it,holding on and striving hard...no matter what had happened.'

Although for now,i still suffering a lot whenever thinking of my mum.I really very very miss her,nearly every night tears accompany me to sleep...and every night dreaming of her...But,i believe one day i can overcome this.Hope i able to do that.

Gatherings on holiday...

Don't know what should I write...Not actually happy,sometime still quite sad about it.Don't when this wound just can recover...My heart still numb,not really have feelings yet.*Sigh...*Hmm,anyway,still have something that i am bit happy with it.During holiday,I did go for some gatherings.And for those gathering that i can't go,sorry ya.I am not purposely,coz sometime i need to spend time for my mum's things..My gathering still in KB.mall...=.='(everytime also kb.mall...)But,not really boring lar.As i got you all mar.=)Friends come back from K.L,got Chuey sien,ling fei,Theng,Yiewan,Eet Ying and me.This is more than enough...Quite long we din meet.Roughly one year ba.We talk quite much...we walk in kb.mall,from 10.30a.m until 5.30,wow!!!You can imagine how long is it!!And we also took our breakfast and lunch at there,luckily not until dinner lui.kaka..=P And something funny happen there,this one...hmm,got to ask theng theng and eet ying's hair luuu...hahaha,u two know la har.

This is some photos that we take during gathering..=)Nice nice,thanks to our pro 'camerawoman'..haha...Theng,ling fei and Yiewan..=P

First Take. Second Take(whats wrong with me..=.=')

Third Take,whats wrong with lingfei?=P

Nice Take!!But me and yiewan's hair...kopek=.='
Fifth Take,Theng theng come^^

Sixth Take!!Ling fei disappear..haha..=P

My eyes..=.='why i so happy?=.='and ling fei still disappear,but lingfei's hair got lar..haha..=P

Perfect!!!!Finally!!!All comes in,and all smile..=)(theng theng a bit cool)haha.

Eet ying appear!!Take in the car.haha.dark dark..=PBut,yiewan disappear,lonely at kbmall..haha.

The final photo for this time gathering!!!tata...

Ok,after 5.30p.m,i have a small gathering with florence again.And xiaw sher with us too.^^Shapoh florence din give me take photo with her...T.T...Quite happy talking with her.Haha.I think this is our first time gather together.^^Florence,i am waiting you back again on November ya.Remember our agreement nah^^Must take photo with me already!!!!haha,see you on November...I will miss you,shapoh..~~!!We go to shopping at parkson,then have dinner at near Pantai Timur there.Then T.T...They tarik me go to Kb mall pulak.So pity me o...Go Kb mall for hampir whole day....Go Kb.mall until want to vomit already.Then we using my new car to send florence back to her church....This is the end of my gathering.Wah,gathering for whole day...really break my record...=)

During this holiday,I din meet my idol,haha.But,we make a yue1 ding4..=)I will practice my driving skill ya.You will be my first passenger,i promise..=)I will go to fetch u by using my new car at your house.Thanks for being there when i am sad and helpless...Although we din meet,but just talk in the phone with you,you really able to give me some energy although not much can cheer me up yet.But really help me a lot a lot already..We talk in the phone for 2 hours!!!I express all my feelings to her,and i felt sorry too coz i stop for a few times while talking with her in the phone.Coz my tears keep on flowing until i can't continue to talk...And very very thanks to her,coz she always being a good listener...and good advisor...And the feeling are so good when we always share our sadness and happiness together.=)Meiyee,gambateh together for our last exam.You can do it.=)

Life without you....

Without you,i am just like living in something like empty bottle,not really happy,not really can feel anything special about my life.Go home?Just like go into an empty space,no love anymore for me,no warm feelings anymore...Just full of memories....I miss that time you still here...Just realise how important you are in this family.In this world,the person that i love most is you.Now you already went into other world,my heart suddenly felt nothing about this world already.Before this,my heart always pain as i am a sensitive and emotional person.But,till now,i never felt my heart pain already,really no..Sometime i do wondering where is my heart already.The only feeling that i felt is numb feeling of my heart...Noone can fit into my heart anymore...Include friendship that i thought most important for me before this.

Is it means i no longer be back who i am before this??Who are so sensitive,so care about friends,so emotional,sad anytime,happy can be very happy,sad can be very sad...When sad,always find friends to share.But now seems i am behave contrastly...I am not sensitive anymore,the thing that i love and hate before this now seems nothing to me...Not emotional anymore,just be in centre,not very happy...but,sometimes can be very sad.When i am sad,i am just avoid to tell my friends...Even avoid from facing them..Friend that i always share sadness with her,becomes i don't even think of finding her anymore when i am sad...I am just like to be alone.My heart just like close already,sad cannot be expressed through words,cannot be expressed through expression.Just can keep in my heart and tears out....The only way i like to express just right here...in this blog.

I hope this is temporarily me...Or else,i might change in all aspects...Maybe all of this cause i feel that life is just like a brief candle.Human can 'go' anytime they want,or even they don't want,they also forced to 'go'...Why our life like this??A person that strives so hard for her life but then she don't even can have chance to use the money that she earn,is it fair??And without telling anything,just can 'go' anytime...Makes their families very hard to accept all this.Is it this called 'fate'??Life just very short..I even think then what for we strive so hard??Cause no matter how hard we tried,finally we also need to 'go'....I know this is wrong thinking,but maybe i still need time to change this thinking if i can...

I also hate those being irresponsible doctor,i really hate them.I will never forget how suck are them,when we are damn worry about our loves one who lays at bed gasping for air..They just behave like hell!!!I will never forgive them...The images of my mum keep on gasping for air,i will never forget....Everything about my mum i will never forget....

My life seems boring and meaningless without you,mum...No matter how hard i tried to be happy at the beginning,but just like after i laugh and laugh,I still can't cheat myself that i happy,i still be sad in the end...No matter how hard i tried to be happy at school or outside,i still be sad when i return home.What should i do??but,i will take care of myself and my sister,this is what i promise you.I hope you are doing well at 'there'...I love you,mum...my most beautiful mum and no one can replace you...my only mum that can fully fits into my heart....

To my beloved,dear and most beautiful mum in my heart....

To : My dear Mum in Heaven...

Now i rather you and my dad quarrel...Coz without you,my home not really like home.Without you,my life seems no orders...Without you,i felt my heart is empty,becomes no feelings...Without you,my everything that seems important to me before this now become nothing to me...Include singing...Since the day you go,i din sing till now.Duno why,everything seems not important anymore...I miss you so much,mum...really...I miss your voice while calling my name...Sometimes when someone whose voice is quite similar to you is finding and calling my neighbours,I really thought is you...And i really hope is you...Before this when i come back from school or tuition,you always comes out and help to take my things.But now when i go home,i don't even can see your shadow already....Every corners of my house makes me thinking of you...I miss your shouting voice.Now i rather you blame me or even beat me,i really willing...But,all of this seems impossible already....I keep on blaming myself for not enough cares for my mum...but useless already.The feelings of losing a precious and means very much to you especially our dear mum is very very scary....Whenever i thinking of this,the scary feelings comes over me again....And missing feelings comes to me continuously...Mum,you always my best mum....Our loves for you will never end...You always live in my heart...But,i really miss you very very much.....I love you very much,mum....The loves will last until the end of my lifes.No words can describe how much i miss you and loves you already.....I wish in the next generation,you still will be my mum....Noone can replace you in my heart....noone...

From your dear daughter:
San

10th August 2009
I feel very shocked when i receive my aunt's call that my mum sent to Hospital,coz she pengsan as her blood pressure is too high..until she don't even can wake up at that moment..Just imagine one hour before this,my mum just send me to tuition happily by using her new car with my uncle..But just after your tuition,you receive such call,just imagine how shocked am i??!!Then after that rush to Hospital,I saw my dear mum have to depends on many machine to breathe,and she cant even open her eyes anymore,makes me cry unstop...unstop...my mind blank...shocked until don't even can accept.At that time,mum's blood pressure already reach 249...In contrast,blood pressure for normal people just around 110 or 120...I really can't imagine this...But,we still having hopes that after her blood pressure drop,she can wake up.

After that,doctor takes my mum to scan for her brain.Then he told me that mum will never wake up again,the chances is very small...Ask us whether want to have surgery on her brain or not.But even undergoes surgery,the chances she wake up also very small,surgery just to makes her live longer...This makes me sad until i can't even say one word,my heart seems empty...What should i do????I really can't see my mum blaming me,talking with me,shouting at me already???At this very sad moment,we still needs to make a very hard decision that whether mum should undergo surgery or not...Just imagine how terrible the situation is...The whole night when i back to my home,i just watch the wall of my room until the next morning...really,don't even can close my eyes...Whenever i close my eyes,a lot images of my mum will comes out already...Don't even can eat,don't even want to drink anything...

11th August 2009
At early in the morning,we went for a lot temple just to pray for my mum and ask many other doctors...And after that we go to hospital to see my mum again,I keep on looking the two machine which shows my mum's heart beat and inhaled oxygen level.This is very very scary,the rate of my heart beating just according to this two machine...I just scared heart beat or inhaled oxygen will suddenly stop...We keep on praying for my mum so that miracles can happen and she can wakes up...I bring my sister to see my mum,she cried badly too.Everytime i visit my mum,my tears comes unstop....At that moment,i really hopeless....I can tell you all that,I hate kelantan hospital!!!!!!They don't even know what patients want...even glucose have finish,but the trainer nurse don't even know how to change that,and keep on asking us wait!!!!They never think of how scared we are....how actually our feelings...And the doctors...sucks...Ask them this,they answer other things,or just say for my mum case,they just keep as conservation.Is it means that they will not taking care my mum like other patients???Want to change to other hospital,they said all full???!!!What the...I really hate that.

12th August 2009
my sister,me and my aunt go to Hospital to visit my mum again.Everytime when i want to step into the Hospital,I am very scared...I scared i can't find my mum in the bed again...When i go to see my mum,i am very shocked,what???Why my mum's heart beat drop into 60+??For normal people,heart beat is from 60 until 100...And 60 is quite low already,i shocked until cried again...Then we quickly talk to my mum,gives her some supports...Then finally her heart beats rise until 90+,we just felt relieved a bit...But while we massage my mum,i felt that my mum's hand is a bit hot!!!So i ask the nurse,but she said nothing...=.='what the...Then after we having our lunch and comes back Hospital again,my mum is sick!!!!!Another shock comes over me again..My mum's heart beat rise until 140+!!!!!And till now i also can't forget how the machine sounds when abnormal heart beat comes...I am very scared until i ask the doctors,but the doctors seems know nothing!!!!What the....I scared until i cried unstop again...But,i can't do anything,we just can keep on using cold towel to wash my mum's body....But this seems useless...After that we go to have our dinner again,but i don't even want to eat anything....After finish it,we rush to hospital again,heart beat becomes normal a bit,but then inhaled oxygen becomes low again,becomes 80+ again,this makes me more scared!!!As for normal people,is 99...Then ask nurse to do something,but what the...The more thing she put in my mum's mouth,the lower the inhaled oxygen level...sucks...But then we can't stay long,the hospital guard waiting us to go,just left my uncles to takes care my mum....we forced to go home.

Just reach home,me and my sister pray unstop...until i received my uncle's call,my mum like not ok already...My heart seems want to drop already...We quickly rush to hospital again.But on the half way,my aunt call me again...said,mum go already....My handphone drops my hand,crying and shout to tell my dad...me and my sister run to my mum's wad,call my mum unstop...for half an hour,but my mum's heart beat lost,inhaled oxygen signal lost....me and my sister shout my mum without caring anything...but useless....My mum really go already....I give my last kiss to my mum face....

How suffered we are while looking my mum's face closed by a while blanket and push into a room which is to keep dead body.After 2 hours,i just can stop crying....and prepare for my mum's funeral....

All of this seems a bad dream for me.if you ask me now,I just can honestly tell you,i still can't accept this reality....I still having feeling that my mum will comes back....I don't even can use my words to describe how terrible,how the worse the feelings that i ever had...until I don't even want to face anyone or even talk....The real sad is you don't even know how to cry already...You just felt empty at that moment....

Laugh can laugh,smile can smile,ok is ok for me,Now...But,with empty heart...Nothing is important for me already...really....Include my favourite before this...seems meaningless for me already...The only thing that i relieved is my mum go with smiling face....Mum,don't worry,we taking care ourselves properly...I will takes care sister,loves her more than before...you just go without worry...Once again,I love you,my mum....very much.....

Hate...

Everyday quarrel unstop,especially coz of money,or just a small thing,why can't they just tolerant to each other a bit,then everything will be alright??I really tired,and feel like want to explode already.Marriage is something happy and it need tolerance,believes and love from each other.If they can't do all this,why they still get married??I really angry...and hate!!

Quarrel,quarrel...quarrel...They don't realise how their child think and their feeling???I feel so bad,feel disappointed,feel helpless,feel what is the meaning of this family??If a house always full of noise and quarrels,then this is just a house which no happiness,no calmness,just nothing...Just a place for us to sleep,that is ok already.When i want to study,i don't even can concentrate under this terrible situation..Why they don't realise this??Told them for thousands of time already what i felt,but this seems useless...What can i do??maybe i just wait for a time when i leave this family,then i will feel better...

Feel like losing direction now,everyday lives in such situation,leading me to such a pessimistic thinking and moody feelings..Looking others families which is so happy,and always laugh happily,makes me really jealous.I always thinking,why my family not like them??I asked my parents also,why???but they just give me useless answers...Makes me speechless and disappointed...

Breathless too,din give me watch tv many times,din give me cycle for many times,din give me sing,din give father rare fish,din give father just take a rest during weekend,want him do this and that,why she never think of our feelings?We are not a machine that can controlled by anyone!!!I respect my mum,sometime i do feel her care,but sometime really makes us breathless!!!Told her for thousand of times,but she never heard it..why???Just coz i always keep quiet,and she keep on blaming me...for useless small thing,and blame for something that i don't think i did wrong...I really tired...

Sometimes really don't even want to go home,and face all this terrible situation...which always makes me from so happy feelings directly drop into a hell feelings...Why?Family not a place for me to express feelings,not a place for me to feel calm,not a place for me to rest,not a place for me to do what i want.Perhaps,it is just a jail which makes all of us breathless...

Sometimes i really think if they are not suitable to built this family,then just maybe divorce is the best way for us to breath and maybe will lead to a more happy ending for all of us...As i am really...Tired,breathless,disappointed and ....sad..Enough for all of this already...

When we lost something,we just will try to pay attention and appreciate it...

This week I seems moody without reason.I have some weird feelings,some kind like missing people feeling.But,i don't really know who i am missing.Weird,is it?Miss my friends?Miss some moment?Miss a special event?Or anything else?Maybe all...I miss my friends studying at K.L.I miss the moment we being happy together.I miss a lot of events that we are together to celebrate it.A lot of memories still keep on playing in my mind.I know and understand that we should look forward but not look backward by thinking all of this memories.But,for me that,I think i will never forget all memories no matter is sweet or sad.If the memories had goes deeply into my heart and my mind,then i am sure i will never never forget it...

I keep on downloading a lot very very nice piano melody...This makes my heart more and more sour when the miss feeling comes over me more strongly.Try to feel something by closing your eyes while listening all this smooth and damn nice music until I duno how to describe how nice is it...You will feel very very good until i don't know how to use words to describe it.You can ask from me,if you want all this smooth piano melody...~At this moment,you will know who really important in your heart until your mind keep thinking of them.Very amazing feeling.That's why i said human relationship is always the weirdest thing in this world,nothing else...

Human will only appreciate thing when they had lost thing.Same like me..When we nearly lost or had lost something,we just will know their importance and their role playing in our life.Sometimes it is too late for us to do anything,but sometimes the time still allowed us to do something to cure it.Anyway,No matter it is too late or early,I think we still have to try our best to do what we can and what we want,right?As there are chances we also should try.We can meet our friends,our loves one,our families all depends on fate or destiny,right?Do you believe in fate?For me,I quite believe in fate.As there are no reason can explain how actually we will know our friends that staying beside us now,how actually we being together with our loves one,how actually parents are our parents now??There are so many questions marks if we din explain all of this by FATE,this word...

An example,Michael Jackson...When he already left this world,a lot of people just try to appreciate his music that bring so much happiness for us,included me.Maybe a lot of negative news about Him,but we still can't deny His contribution in our music industry,right?News recently really makes me angry,they just admit actually they do added something fake news in Michael Jackson which really bring negative imagine on Michael jackson..Although we can't actually differentiate which news is real about Him,but i still admired Him as the King of Pop songs...His marvellous dance like Moonwalk,robot dance which really amazing and voices that bring out all those damn nice music to all over the world..I bet that nobody can competed with Him...
Our future also seems fated where we will goes..Some people even get good result also can't get what they want.But,some people did get what they want although their result are not really good.Some people born in poor family,and have to makes a lot of effort just can get what they really want,but somehow they might failed to do so.But,some people borin in rich family.Without doing anything,they can get what they want and maybe more than what they really want.This world is not really fair,right?But,i am not going to blame for it.As i believe as it is fated how we will going through our future,so God makes this to us,sure have His reasons...What we can do just tried our best in our life,not to make us regret in the end of our life.Try to appreciate what we have right now....

But again...Human always like that,sometimes although we know it is very important for us to work hard for our life and future,but still we choose to being lazy.The reasons??I also don't know why...As i also one of them who being lazy although i know i should strive hard for what i want....Haha,*sigh* also.Maybe we will being like this just to give chance for our friends to play their role??I also don't know..Haha.But,when i am lazy,i do get motivation from a lot of friends through their words,through their advices,through their actions...That is how actually human relationship works on,right??I do believe this...Sometime through words,can heavily affected someone.So,sometime we should be careful of what we have said.It might bring positive or negative effects to someone...

I am sorry as i always like to say about all of this.But,don't you all think i really able to do all of this ya.Just cause i always failed to do so,Haha.So,i am trying hard to write out all of this to remind myself better...TRY TO APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE NOW...That is really the thing that i should learn...And STRIVE HARD also i should learn..No matter how hard our life goes on,we still have to live,right?So,we have to choose to face all of this and goes through all of this bravely.I wish i able to do all of this...

Gathering~~**

Have been a long time i din update my blog,no idea,my computer had been sent to repair for 3 weeks.Wah,in this 3 weeks,really very bored.Life without computer makes me crazy.But also can makes me do homework and study.Haha.I will start with my some sweet gathering.

Lets start with gathering with Yiewan,Chuey sien,Ling fei,Theng theng,eet ying,ee wern and chai ling.Hmm,what should i say about this gathering.It is quite enjoy,i quite like it.This gathering held in KB mall again,a common place..which I go until wana vomit already.Haiz.haha.But by having time with you all,even a boring place also can become very interesting,don't worry.We also take quite a few photos,which is quite nice^^I like it very much.^^And crazy yiewan simply use her new h.p and take crazy photos.Why i say is crazy photos ni?coz all photos she took all show her beauty side,then all friends beside her become weird.=.='naughty yiewan.But,i also like it^^haha.Please send for me if got chance yea.

I also meet with Eet ying,who i din meet her for almost one year!!After our nice,enjoy and happy trip to K.l^^Her hair change colour,become a bit red.O.OHaha..But afterall nothing much change^^still as funny as before.Haha,O.O.One different thing is......Haha,don't want to say about it.You just guest what am i trying to say la ya^^Hope to see you again~

After spending 2 months here,they went for U again.Yiewan,I first time song4 friend at train station de ya,U got appreciate this!!!hahaha...I will miss you.T.TActually when i see you going into train,a bit sad feeling really comes over me.I wish you all the best ya~When got anything,can always msg me like before^^I will ready for you here...Chuey sien,I am sorry i can't song4 u ya,coz that day is schooling dayT.TBut i really also wish you all the best ya.Same as yiewan,when got anything can always msg me like before and of course call me like before^^be here for you two.Take care ya~Theng theng,I also wish you all the best^^be an most professional Akauntan^^!!Aza aza fighting,Gambateh ya for U life^^You all wait me ya,I will try my best in exam so that can join u all at K.L^^hahaha,but got to be you all junior already.T.T

But,i feel sad coz of Ling Fei.What the...You get 4 flat and band 5 for Muet,but get your 7th choices for U places.Is it very 'funny'??I wonder whats wrong with the government?Ling Fei,I wish you all the best ya.No matter what decision you made,i will always support you~When feel helpless or sad,can find me anytime.I will try my best to help you,k?Wishing you all all the best...My dear bestiesss..^^Ok,let me attach some nice photos^^


Smile^^~~!!Peace^^=P

Another one,smile once again^^!!!

Ok,Lets start with another gathering.A friend that have not meet for 7 years!!!Finally we meet again.Her name is chia poh.It's quite shocked when i receive Theng theng messages that chia poh come back here,as i din hear any news from her for 7 years already!!!Can say lost contact already.Nice to meet her back,she changed a lot until i not really know her.Haha.Chia poh,really nice to meet you again.I feel warm feeling from you again,don't know why.Maybe in my heart,i still treat you as bestie ba after so long...Hope to meet you again if got chance.Besides that,i also meet some friends and talk with them,as we long time din talk together already.All of this are classmates of 1 pinang.Haha.Quite miss that time,no worries,just play and play and play,and can see idol every day at class.Such an enjoyful life!!!Ok,here are some photos from us again^^

Nice^^pinky^^

pinky again^^three of us^^
Four of us^^

Ok,that's all about gathering.Next post maybe I will write about journey at xiaw sher's house??Hahaha...Let see what i will write^^

Love's feeling....(To be continue)

How we know when we fall in love with someone?Thinking of her or him for whole day....Even you just meet him,after a few minutes,or even seconds...you will miss him again.In your world,maybe just got her or him...the only one...When you go to shopping centre or anywhere,you will think of buying something for him...thinking of his smiling face when receive your present,you will feel extremely sweet.When you meet him,your face will turn red,your heart will beat faster than usual...You will feel nervous until don't know what to say...Holding his hand or just stay beside of him,you will feel enough sweet and warm...Din meet him for one week,just like ten years for you.You miss him until your tears can out from your eyes...In your dreams,you just will dream of him.

A little action from him enough to make you feel sweet,but for others,even they do hundreds time,you also feel nothing.'I love you' from him enough to make you sweet until don't even can sleep.A bright smile from him,will stay in your mind forever.For you,he is the most handsome guy in this world,noone can replace him in your heart...You will sad coz of him,happy coz of him.Your mood will swing according to his simple actions,words,or even expressions...Holding his hand or even hug him is the most happy or warm thing in your life.Other thing will no longer important for you,he is the most important person in your life at this moment...

Some people can found their soulmates,lead to marriage and have their own kids and stay with their loves one until the end of their life...This is the most happy thing i think in our life no matter they are rich or poor,it doesn't matter anymore.But,some people can just keep their love for someone their loves in their bottom of heart,cannot tell him,cannot show how much they care for their loves one,this is the most sad thing...Everyday just can keep watching him,whenever you see he is sad,you can't do anything,just because you don't even brave to do anything...Whenever you see he is happy,you will feel happy too,but is happy in deep of your heart...You care for him too much but then never can show out...You loves him so much but then you can't even stand near to him,can't even talk to him.You sad for him,but he never knows it...You care for him,he also never know it.How pityful is it....Whatever you did for him,he just know nothing...

Another types...He do whatever things for you,show his care for you,expressed how much he loves you...Everyday find chances just to talk with you,send messages for you,bought or even did whatever present for you just to make you happy..Try to date with you...But,your uncertainty makes he feel so hurted...He even told you,maybe he got cried because of you,but you don't know...He propose for few times,but your uncertainty just like telling him you already rejected him...But,finally..When he totally give up,and found his soulmates.You just realise maybe you already likes him,but not yet totally in love.You feel jealous when you see him and his soulmates pictures..And start missing him,missing his love poems for you,missing his sweet words for you...But,everything already past...You already can't say anything,but then just can keep in your heart...and wait...Maybe one day he will come back to find you again.But,the chances is too small that you can imagine...So,maybe what should you do just let it go...And take a deep breath and maybe you will found your soulmates soon...This is another sad thing in love world...

Love means everything...But,doesn't mean that you have to sad until die because of LOVE.There are still a lot of things in this world that you need to appreciate.Life is just like a brief candle.Don't think too much if it is not needed(just like remind myself),don't sad too much if it is not worth(reminding myself again),don't care too much if it is not worth to care anymore,don't care what others think too much as you can't control their mind and mouth,take a deep breathe...and you will found there are still a lot important friends and family stay beside you...who always supporting you,but just you don't even realise their existence..appreciate them before you regret...人世间情为何物?*sigh...*

*added a romantic love korean drama pictures,try to watch it if you interested,you will touched by their loves....

Relationship between human...

Have been long time din update my blog...At first,plan to write about our F6 motivation kem and my group singing performance,but seems too lazy to write...Maybe next time ba~Last night i watched 小孩不笨二once again,I cried again...Actually this is my third time watched it,but i still cried...Don't know what wrong with me..=.='But,honestly,this movie really very touched.All singapore movie also quite nice,I like to watch such type of movie,钱不够用二also is a touched and funny movie.I think they are really enough pro,can make the movie until so touched instead of funny,then the audience can learn something from it and can have fun too,how meaningful is it...

From all of this,i realise that relationship between humans really is a weird thing and seems noone can actually explain about it.I realise that some people are able to communicate well with their families,they can share whatever sadness and happiness with their families.But,some are not,they don't even can meet their once in a year. Some,although they can meet their families every day,but they seems nothing much to talk about,then i wonder the meaning of FAMILY.For me,of course,i able to talk with my family well.But,if want to talk about my sadness,happiness...I will not choose my family.I also don't know why...Maybe because they don't really understand me...My ambitions not really supported by them. I like to do what i like,just like singing...But,they never understand...Whenever i thinking of this,how sad am i...They don't even allowed me to sing in my school...The feeling if we can't do what we actually like is really very bad.It sounds like they are forcing me to lie to them...which i really don't like to do so,but just no idea.What i can say,just 'sorry'...

Whenever i have friendship problems,i also will just keep in my heart or keep to my other friends.This is just because whenever i want to share with them,they will just ask me to concentrate into study,and said that friends will no longer important to u after some time...I can't deny that they experienced more than us,what they said might be true.But,I still insist with what i believe.I believe in my friends..They are very important in my life.Whenever i am sad,they are the one who cares about me,understand me and support me.Of course,family will playing such role in my life,but for me,not much if compared to friends.Maybe some people don't agree with am i writting here,but just only applied to myself.As the first person i tell or call when i am sad,still FRIEND.Friends are the one understand my feelings...

Of course,family still very important in other aspects,i can't deny this truth.As without them,i can't face infront this p.c,and write this blog.Without them,i will not know how to use my language to express all of this.Without them,there are a lot of things i can't imagine....This is because they tried hard to provide us comfortable life,and let us able to study and become a useful person in future.

Although i believe in friends,but sometime all of this got to depends on how actually the friends that we make.There are some people that can't be trusted,maybe in their life,they don't really understand what is friends.Maybe for them,they just know how to 'use' their friends,but not treat their friends as true friends,will not care for them,support them,sad and happy with them.This really pityful...I don't know what to say about this...So,i hope that when we make friends,we will keep our eyes open..O.O...or else we will just being 'used' by them...and our eyes get blinded by their all lies...

Besides that,i found out something weird too...sometime we can chat nicely with some friends and know some new friends through MSN,messages,or any other ways of contact,but in reality,when we meet,one word also can't even out from my mouth...I don't know whether this can be applied to all of us include you all,or just me such a weird people...Not only that,some best friends...How close we are when in primary school or secondary school,when all people goes to different place to study...And after some time,when we meet together again...We seems not really have any topic to talk.This is really hurted...But,what can we do?This is just the reality of our life.This is the only thing that make me doubts about friendship sometime..Do you think friendship can be forever??I hope friendship will be forever,but i don't know whether it really can be realised or not....I just know,i appreciate every friendship that i had for now...I care for my best friends,i love you all....really...say it out from my bottom of heart....you sad,i am sad...you happy,i will happy for you by watching your smiling face....

Gathering...

Hmm,a gathering is held at Hayaki,a very hot place when evening...=.='haha..hmm,maybe quite long we din meet each other,so less topic can talk about...But,i am happy can meet Yiewan who already with a long hair,become more pretty^^,Maria,Ling fei,Theng theng,Chuey sien,Winnie and Li En.All of them having long hair,except me..T.T..Never mind,I have to be more patient for half more year.Haha...Whenever they talk about their hair,i just can't say even one word..T.T...


Actually nothing change between all of us,just hair...Hmm,Yiewan still as funny like before^^,Ling fei hmm...maybe change into cheerful a bit,always smile...Chuey sien and Maria still also very quiet..haha...Maria still continue her weird behaviour,keep on observing me...=.='make me very shy...Others still same ba~haha...But,of course,long time din meet,so less something can talk.I hope that next time we gather more often then can have more thing to talk~


I always hope that we can have more special gathering,but i have no transport,My mum still give me drive..T.T..so i always failed to plan something special...So,i waiting u all to drive...*evil laugh*this is more applied to ling fei,chuey sien and yiewan!!!who have 2 months holidays...And we can meet more often during this period of time...Maybe we can play badminton sometime??haha...I just hope can spend more time with you all,Friendship forever~~!!I always appreciate our friendship de,please forgive me,sometime i think too much about that,ok??

This are few pictures we took at Hot Hayaki..=.='haha...all looks quite nice,except me..=.='who with short hair...=.='



Pictures 1~cheese^^
Pictures 2~smile^^
Pictures 3~Take 3^^
Yi?where r yiewan??haha,she so wei3 da4,be a cameramen^^good job wanwan,haha~

Exam finished!!!

Have been suffered for four days!!!But,this four days just like four years for me!!Everyday after back from school,although tired like hell,but still need to find back those notes which are nearly become 'yellow',haha..And keep on opening my eyes so that my eyes will not close while reading those notes..=.='Then,my whole day just spend by sitting on the chair and sit infront of my p.c,and reading those boring notes,and memorising those equations,equations which makes me want to vomit and headache...=.='Then,the next day,become another panda huisan.This is really called 平时不烧香，临时抱佛脚!!!!

Honestly,this time exam,i really din try my best...Before the exam,everyone in my class keep on reading biology or chemistry notes already.But,me still keep on talking,crazying and singing with xiaw sher them..Then,during biology period,still having 'kaunselling session'with xiaw sher...haha,wah..what a 'good student" lek me!!!O.O..So,the consequences is i really don't really do well in this BIO exam...Maybe god want to make me hardworking a bit.That's why what i read and memorise hard about cycle in photosynthesis,respiration and homeostasis.Don't even out one essay questions from this 3 chapters!!!!This really annoyed me!!!And the stupid music from the malay school beside our school are having some kind like Karnival Sukan and damn noisy with all the kids sound and malay songs!!!But,this makes our bio paper 1 interesting a bit,not so dull..haha...Everyone in the class keep on laughing due to the funny malay songs...

Then,talk about chemistry...i also din go chemistry extra class that open by my cute cute chemistry teacher..O.o..haha,our cute cute teacher^^!!I am sorry yea,as i am too lazy...And sometime i also don't even copy the notes...I wonder why i am soooo lazy!!!So,the consequences is i can't do well for chemistry paper 1,and even keep on laughing during exam lui..=.='haha...For chemistry paper 2,essay questions still ok for me..But,still got undone part...structured questions although done all,but like simply bom..haha..

And honestly,i never really heard what teacher said during pengajian am...Coz,those politics things seems very foreign for me and i don't even have little interested on it..So,what i did everytime exam is just before the days of pengajian am exam,read all the notes..But,surprisingly,pengajian am is my most good exam if compared with other subjects...But,this time not same...there are too much chapters need to study...All the chapters in a thick P.A book!!!So,this time will be very CHAM for me...no more A for P.A..T.T...I seems blur with all those dasar dasar things...=.='

Finally,hmm about maths...I got did all the homeworks that gave by our maths 1 and maths 2 teachers..sometimes too busy also got miss it lar..=.='But,still can't actually memorise those formula of maths and apply it correctly...I really wonder what is the correct way to study maths...Hmm,Math 2 seems still ok for me...But,maths 1 really damn tough...i seems blur with chapter 5 and chapter 6...T.T...And also thanks to my tuition maths teachers..hahaha,i always din concentrated while he teaching but after that keep on asking pulak,makes him like headache...haha,sorry,teacher~

Conclusion,This exam not seems like an exam for me..hahaha,as i really don't really try my best.But this reflect that i really should try harder for the next exam.(always said so,but never really did it..=.=')Anyway,hope everyone happy after exam finally finished^^!!!!But,scary days coming o,coz result will be distributed soon...T.T,hope will not killed by my mum ba...O.OAnd also happy graduated from matriks for yiewan,chuey sien and ling fei!!!waiting you all come back yea^^hope i can plan something special for us to gather together...=.='instead of kb mall...=.='!!

LOVE?

What is LOVE?This question had been in my mind for quite a long time...First,i think i talk about love between couples.Someone told me,when you in love with a person,when you see that person,your heart will beat very fast,you will miss him or her when you can't see him or her,in your world,he or she is the only one you think for whole day,for you,he is always perfect..is it right?For me,who is very appreciate friendship,even a friend i also will behave like this...If when you see someone,your heart will beat faster and shy,you will miss him sometime as you din see him quite a long time,but,in your mind,he is not the one you think for whole day,in your heart,he is not perfect enough...Then,what is this called??LOVE between friends or you really love him??

LOVE is really such complex thing..Maybe you too easy to fall in love with someone,but if want break,when you want to give up this relationship,it is too hard for you to do this..During this process,you will sacrifice your time,your energy,your tears and everything try to cure this relationship,and it seems like you can't even face this fact and hope for a turning point that can change everything just like before...This is not my experience,of course..LOVE can be very sweet and lead to wonderful marriage and family but also can be very sad till can cause someone do crazy things and commit suicide too..Maybe all of this got to depends on our fate...of course,we ourselves also have to try our best to cure our relationship no matter is between our loves one,our friends or families...

All of this seems easy to say out,but actually if we ourselves want to do that,it is very hard.Our hearts,our tears,our emotions,relationships seems uncontrollable.Sometime,even we tried hard,the thing also will not turn out to be the thing that we wish it to be...maybe it may turn out become more worse...which makes us more sad...This is because when we tried hard,while doing all of this effort to cure it,it seems giving us hopes...But,when it turn to be more worse which we don't even able to predict and expect it to be like this,we will be more disappointed and our heart may break into pieces...more sad if compared to we don't even do anything to cure our relationship...So,if really like this,we should do anything to cure our relationships when it changed or just don't do anything,let god decide all of this??For me,maybe i will choose both,I will do anything to cure relationships no matter is for our loves one,friends or families...no matter it turns to be more worse or better...Coz if really din do anything,one day maybe we will regret...Then,if finally after we tried our best,the thing still turn out to be more worse...I will just let god decide all of this...Hope god will do the best decision for us...Is it right??I also don't know...

Sometime we may feel tired after did all of efforts to cure our relationships...and try to give up...But,before you want to give up,maybe you should take a rest...Try to ask yourself whether you really able to give up...If can't,just take a rest and continue your efforts...Sometime we continue our efforts not only coz of our memories,or any other things...But,just coz of the people that we really concerned all the time,the people who stay in our heart all the time...We will do anything just for our cares one and loves one,right?But,sometime,if loves really changed and can't cure anymore,maybe we should learn to face the facts that our loves one's heart already changed...Of course,i think this is more applied to loves between couples...For friendship and families,there is only one thing will destroy it,that is called 'betray'...But,still,this also more applied to friendship...Until now,there is no such friend that had betrayed me.I don't know the feeling of being betrayed...But,i know,this will be very very hurt...until i don't know want to use words to describe it...I din hope this will happen to me,and i also won't let this thing happen to my lovely friends...So,i most hate such type of friends...

After all,i think,one sentence only i can concluded about LOVE,that is it is really the most complex thing in the world,and the most needed by everyone in this world.Coz,noone will brave to say that,they don't need LOVE,don't need friends,don't need families...right?

When night comes....

Don't know start from when,i start to feel my heart always start to feel pain when night comes...all sadness comes to me...miss feelings comes towards me also...Sometime,i wonder this heart belongs to me or not...I just can't control 'it'...Night,always be my time to miss people...memories always start to play in my mind during night,no matter is sweet,bitter,sad...Sometime,even tears more frequently falls from my eyes during the night...Sometime,i just hope night will not comes...Maybe this is the reason,i always suddenly send message to my friends when night comes...I hope someone to accompany me so that i will not think so much,and some words i really suddenly want to tell them,and sometime suddenly i very miss them...such an emotional huisan appears when night comes...really weird...

When night comes,when i miss some friends,i just realise how important they are in my heart...which i don't realise it...and this causes many dreams comes to me during the night...Dreams,make me more miss them...make me more thinking about our sweet memories...lets see,hmm...i miss our crazy trip to K.L...i miss funny friends who fills my life with laughter...i miss friends that brings warm feeling to me...i miss friends that i don't have chance to meet her and talk with her...i miss friends who i can't talk to her....still a lot a lot that i miss...Sometime i wonder,is it everyday i just live in memories??!!I think 50% is yes...50% is no...Maybe i am just an emotional people that always like to think about memories...as i think it is very crucial in my life...I will not forget it,it will last in my mind and my heart forever...

I dinlike heart pain feeling...it makes my tears come out...it makes me really suffered...It will be worse than being shot...I really willing being shot rather than suffered with this heart pain feeling...You will not understand such pain if you never experienced it before...pain than any wounds in our body...And it have no medicine to cure..this is most worst...If have a medicine that can cure heart pain,i really willing to buy it no matter how expensive it is...But,there are some 'medicine' that atleast can decrease my heart pain feeling...

Someone that I really can count on when i am sad,someone really able to bring me up when i 'fall down'..even fall into 'hell'...Someone that immediately called me when i said i want to hear her voice after so long din meet her...makes me so touched...her voice makes me feel calm...the best friend that i ever had...Thanks so much,and sorry...coz always disturb you when i am sad or trouble...I appreciate you as my best friend...

Another one...always makes me smile and laugh when i am sad...even her single message which is always so funny for me,makes me smile and feel much more better..But,recently,(last night)she makes me feel sweet...haha~hope you will not sad already,k?I am sorry if i failed to entertain you,but I will always try my best to help you...always support you...As you always stay beside me when i feel down...I know you always so optimistic~You always can overcome all of this de,you giving me energy to overcome all of this too,thanks..T.T..Your funny action always able to bring me up~...

Another one..hmm,i know her last year,but we very fast become best friend already...as we same like to sing and always sing together...when i am sad,she always try her best to make me crazy and happy...I really touched too,and crazy with her really can decrease my heart pain feeling...Sometime she really crazy,and sometime she really sad...I hope she will always being crazy~but if sad,dun worry,i will always share with you...sad and happy together~

Anyway,although heart pain feeling being decreased,but it still happen anytime...is it i have heart disease??I really wonder whether there is a disease called 'heart pain'...sweat...=.='

Is it Human always like that?When something precious which always stay beside us,we don't even realise it's existence...but when we lost it,we just realise how important it is...But,when we start to appreciate this,all of this just like come to an end,it's too late to cure it...Then,we just will sad because of it...and start to regret...I think I am one of such type of people...such a big sigh,...if time can return,how good is it?Human will never have regret already,and maybe decrease sadness to be happen,happiness always comes to us...so good...haihzz...

I like rain...

I like the feeling ..

when my body become wet coz of rain...

This is because,

rain can makes my mind suddenly clear of what am i doing right now...

rain can makes me express my feeling...

tears can drop while raining...

again,rain makes my heart feel pain...

when i am sad..

makes me cry...

when i am sad...

but,after burst out everything...

rain finally makes my feeling get better...

stand up again,and fight against future...

why such a miracle thing will drop from the sky?

is it god create rain just coz of the reason that i mentioned?

unknown...

Human always don't know what actually happening...

when we are sad,we don't even know the reason..

sometime...

when we are sad,we can't even think of ways to cheer ourselves up...

when we are happy,we don't even know why that person or certain thing will makes us happy...

is it called as human nature?or common sense?

again...unknown...

all of this maybe just scientist and god know..

but,i really hope one day,i will find out all of this...

I want to know one's thinking...

this is because,

it is too hard..

too sad...

too pity..

that we don't know what is our loves one thinking...

how are us infront of our loves one...

what is our position is in our loves one's heart...

sometimes...

coz of we don't know our loves one thinking..

misunderstanding happen..

quarrel happen...

breaking of heart into pieces happen...

a wonderful relationship broken happen...

a wonderful family broken...

Human always don't want to say out what actually in their heart...

so i really wish i can know what actually my loves one thinking..

includes my family..

my friends..

and my future life partner..

but,is it possible?

words come from our mouth is it really real?

really comes from our true heart...?

coz I myself always din say out and din behave what actually i want...

and what actually i want to say..

and what actually keep in my bottom heart...

noone knows about it...

Noone..

but,is it important?

even if we say out..

the result might not be the result that we want...

that we expected..

that will makes us happy..

and makes us will not regret...

sigh..

A new year..2009~

Just step into a new year 2009,just without reason,my heart is so pain...my mood goes into miss someone mood again...Actually,not really can say is miss someone,as actually i am missing one special feeling...A feeling that is so special,I can't use any words to describe it...It is just sweet and happy.Without her,it seems like no motivation...I miss,I really miss the time that can always chat with her,any sadness just can share with her...Now,until now,I not really clear,for me,she is an idol or a best friend..But,anyway,most important is,no matter how,in my heart,she is playing a role,that is most important friend...She always so willing to support me no matter what decision that i make...That's why makes me so appreciate this friendship..I remember before this,i am asking her to be my dear 'sister',but she said i am her best friend...that is real..But,If suddenly be her sister,she will feel weird...This answer makes me disappointed and touched...Yesterday i sent a message for her,said a very 'thanks' to her,for every advices that she gave me,for every support that she gave me,for everything...along the year 2008...For me,you are a good friend.That's real...that is the reply for your message.

Besides that,i received quite a lot new year message from my friends,thanks yea,but I can't reply..As my credits expired already,hope you all will forgive me yea.I am so touched with few messages...Actually,that is never mind for me to share sadness of my best friends,that is you all...So,no need say thanks you..I just so willing to share you all sadness,that is real...that is my reply for you all messages..Hope you all will be happier in this new year!!!let us work harder in this new year yea!!For my best friends,yiewan,chuey sien,ling fei who is striving for four flat in matriks,I hope you all succeed!!I will support you all deep in my heart...For my another best friend,maria,wish u able to get into the university that you want~For my dear sister,Jessilyn in Seremban and wan jun(first time mention you in my blog,haha),let us study harder together for STPM!!!

A new year...A new start for my sister to step in secondary school,it is so hard for her and which makes me so worry about her...My heart is so pain when heard she said in her class,peralihan 2 ,just have 9 students...pity my sister...haihz,what can i do??Just now,i have to see her tears drops again...Everytime see her like that,i just can use my hand to hug her as tight as i can...She asked me,why she can't hear as other people can hear,and why she can't talk normally like us?But,what answer can i give her?I just speechless...I am very sure,if she can hear like us,she sure will not study peralihan,being looked down by her friends,being alone as she seldom have friends,have to cry sadly coz din have friends,have to worry how people will think when they know she din have ability to hear sound...and can't talk normally like us...Sis,i will support you no matter what happen....

Besides that,I suddenly have a question....What is love?For me,Love can makes people very happy,but can make people very sad too...Love can make one have their confidence back,and feel somehow still have someone to concern and love about them;Love also can make one lost their confidence,and feel like want to give up everything,include their lifes...Love can make someone forget themselves,sacrifice anything just to make their loves one happy....Love can lead someone to wrong way and being crazy too...but,in love world,i think no 'wrong' or 'right',this two words..maybe.Just have who loves who more.


If like that,is it we should avoid from love?so that will not being hurt deeply?Hmm,I think,even we don't want to have it,but it still will automatically comes to find us...and at that moment,we don't even realise it...until we really goes into it deeply,we just realise we already cannot get away from it...Just like our leg already step into a mud,a sticky mud...Even we use our whole energy to get out there,we also can't even succeed to do it...But,when we really get out from the mud,we will be injured...Same like love,when we love deeply,we can't even get away from it...But,when we really get out of it,break up with our loves one,then we will be hurt deeply...is it i describe it correctly?I also don't know...As i don't really have such relationship experiences...Hmm,if want to say like someone before,I think everyone sure have ...

But,in fact,still din have someone really stick to my heart deeply,i mean lover...Someone told me,'like' and 'love' not same...'like' is when you see someone you like,you will feel very happy...'love' is when you see someone you love,your heart will beat faster than usual,your face will turns red,and you can't even control what you want to say...ya,for me,i really agree with it...How about you all?

I think that's all for my this post,happy new year to everyone!!No matter how sad our life,no matter how tough our life,we still have to continue our lifes...Although our face might not show smiles in this new year,but make sure that we must have some courage to continue all of this...And i hope i able to do it...be a tougher huisan...