负面想法

有时候,蛮羡慕那些肯在这里生活的人简单,开心.有时侯会想其实去外州读书,工作,为前途奋斗的目的是什么?值得吗?是不是在折磨自己和家人呢?即使在外,等拿到一份好工,一分好薪水,但是这分快乐和家人一起的快乐时光相比哪个比较重要呢?有时还要忍着不能和家人一起的痛苦,还有和朋友各分东西的痛苦. 这算值得吗? 其实,我也不知道. 好像把自己在外州当作是理所当然的...

我不喜欢离别,真的很痛苦,虽然我只需要几天时间就可以恢复,但是还是那几天已经让我的心弄得不像我的心...也不喜欢心痛的感觉. 真不喜欢自己是多情动物.宁愿冷血一点,潇洒一点...但是就是从来都学不会..

每一年的这个时候都是最低落的,就是我妈的祭日,不知道心情还是不好过,她永远在我心中...没有了她,我在家里都是寂寞的...这四年都是如此...温暖的家对我而言,好像我都忘了它是什么...什么感觉.我只知道看到任何一家人可以完美无缺的一起出去吃饭,都会很羡慕...因为我已经没有这样的机会,以前已经是少之又少,现在更是奢望...如果可以,我希望下辈子,我最爱的妈妈还会是我妈妈...下下辈子,永远...

欢笑?

  从您离开的时候,不知道曾经何时,仿佛把我在这个家的欢笑也都带走了。。。

佷“灰”的感觉。。

这几天突然很灰,心情完全是零开心,不知道为什么。。。很多可能,每一次回来,我都会看到我妹妹,心里好过一点,这是我第一次回来没有看到我妹妹的。家里只有我爸爸,还有我阿姨。这两个完全不会讲话的人,也把对方看成敌人。我在中间也不知道能做什么。。

这时候突然觉得我家里好静好静。。很想念我妈妈,很想念我妹妹。。很想很想。 。尤其是夜深的时候,唯一陪着我睡觉的只有泪水。

其实,我在自问是不是我不够乐观,所以才会把自己搞得这样没心情。但是,我实在想不到有什么可以让我开心的事,怎样乐观,也开心不起来。整个人好像跨了似的。。

以前家里吵得不得了,因为有我妈妈教妹妹读书的声音,现在就连那一点声音也没有了。。想到这样,我的泪水都不听话的流了出来。。

四年了,整整四年了,我对我妈妈的想念还是那么的深,我该怎么办?上了大学,很羡慕,那些想要回家的人,每次会打电话回家和父母亲聊天的人。。而我,几乎半通电话也没有。。很羡慕,那些在外面受了委屈还可以往家里躲的人,可以有家人的呵护,温暖。。。

我觉得我很像在海里漂浮的小船, 没有岸让我停下来。。身边的朋友很好很好,但也只能在岸边为我打气。。支持我。。进不了我的小船。。有时划得很累,夜深时,夜光对我来说,即美,也可怕。。。

这个假期,我选择回家几天而已,其他天都好像在外漂浮。。每个人都为我的行程感到惊讶,佩服。。但其实我并不觉得什么。从玻璃市驾去吉隆玻,是有朋友和我分担,就是一人驾一半。然后送完了他们回家,我是在夜深里一个人驾车去Seremban,到的时候已经是半夜了。。当时的感觉,很恐怖。。道路上没有车,没有路灯,我也只能用`最快的速度到达我的目的地。

然后,我再从seremban一个人驾车去柔佛见我妹妹,她很开心见到我,一见到我,就扑过来拥抱我,我也是很想她。。很开心的带她去买日常用品,带她吃好料。。然后我又必须回去了,因为并不想浪费钱,一个人住hotel,危险也破费。。只好日夜赶回去seremban,又在深夜里驾回去seremban...一来一回,一天以内,一个人驾六七个小时车,回到时真的有想晕的感觉。。。

然后隔天就因为有个interview在kl,又驾车下去。。去了我朋友家,隔天也再一个人驾回来吉兰丹,但是这一次还好有朋友陪着我。。虽然她不会驾车,但至少在深夜里,很怕的时候,也有个人在身边。。。

不知道是不是整个行程,自己一直在撑,整个行程,我是不懂路的,只能靠路牌,和电话的gps一路从北到南,在从南到北,一直告诉自己,自己能的。。到回家时,看到静静,完全没有温暖的家,伤上加伤,整个人都崩溃了。。。

很“灰”。。。质疑自己还能撑多久。。。

Deep feeling

Im suppose sleeping now,as im so sleepy liao. But dont know why suddenly got mood want write blog. Complicated feelings here. I just felt tired actually, felt im stressed with all the burdens around me. Sometime im swear next time should find a multi-purpose husband, who know everything, won give me a chance to think of such complicated stuffs. And such dad can give a safe feeling for his daughters. I'm actually in a very messy mood for few months already, because of my sis things. How to send her to university? How to bring her back during holiday? How if our holiday didn't same? How is she alone at there? I hate to depend on others actually, especially relative. I didn't like such feeling. I wonder why my dad can know nothing, even just ask for a bus ticket, also me myself find around the bus station. He just can standing behind me and ask me to be faster. I know maybe he is still a good father, because he always tend to manage house works quite well. But...Even my relative want discuss my sis things, also tend to pass the phone for me to discuss instead of talking and discuss with my dad. Although somehow i will felt very fed up sometime, but still i never blame him, i just can done my best for my sis. Just i have to giving myself to express sometime. Ahhhh...I just wish i can taking a very very very long breathe to express the feeling of like a lot of stones at the bottom of my heart...or take a long long long sigh...*haihz*...Im extremely stress!!!!!

I don't know how to express such feelings,and don't know where should i express. Even if i can express bit infront of my friends, i guess such feeling just me myself can understand. When i can't buy tickets go to johor for both bus and train...Im really helpless that time.Very damn helpless...my dad just can show his worry face infront of me without giving me any good idea. He just ask me drive to johor from kelantan. I was thinking is it this is a childish idea? Did he ever think this is so far? No people help me drive somemore. Im not a robot, Im just normal girl, who need a very normal life, but not such extreme life for having so much toughs along my life. In my mind,i just can think of friends can help me out. Luckily he helped me out. He was a special one, always treating me so damn good, everything he will think for me. I don't know where i can find such a nice guy like him already. But,somehow i still don't know how lah with him...like still lack of something. But in real, he gave me a safe feeling.

Every time i just can walk step by step without thinking so much, I just can be like this, and im really trying so hard. Somehow every time while im having so much problems, i just can stand up to settle again after cried for a short time. I just can felt comfort when i hug my sister tightly. Just think of whatever i do just for my sister. But everytime im home, every night i dream of my mum. This just can show how much i hope my mum was still here. Im pretty sure she will settle everything for us. She will arrange orderly everything infront of us. All i have to do just step over and follow the path. But now, im like the one who arranging the path for my whole family. Arrange one step and walk over one step. I really hope everything can goes on smoothly... I'm sorry dad, sometime i just can't talk with you. This will makes me angry. Coz every time you just keep asking how the things going on, im your daughter...daughter...I wonder how much i really capable to do all of this. I really hope i can be tough enough...but even tough enough,i wish i won getting tired mentally...i'm sad actually, didn't wish to going on all of this. But i have no choice...

Recently have some friends gathering, realise some friends who are quite close during secondary school, when meet up will become speechless. But very weird, some kind like very close feelings still exist between us. Can anyone explain about this? *haha* If for previous me, im sure keep finding reason for this. But now, Im just will smile towards all of this and just will satisfied even we just meet up long time once. Im just keep asking myself to be satisfied for everything i had.  Nice feelings anyway, but somehow will suddenly have a stupid thinking, like if didn't meet old friends better. Because meet for few times, when back to university, i will miss them =( But if didn't meet, i will forget the deep feelings. haha. But im still choose to meet them and had fun. Every time i just need time to get use. Get use back to university life, get used their absence for a while...Then everything will be alright. But for now, my feelings really deep =( Time time faster walk!

That's how complicated and deep feelings i have....That's all~*praying hard for everything i have to overcome soon*

心情

心情?为什么当深夜的时候,心情会特别奇怪,特别低潮,明明白天都会很开心的?为什么什么事都没发生,我们却突然有很深的感触?为什么对着我们重视的人,她们的一举一动会让我们那么容易开心,那么容易受伤呢?为什么明明知道不可能,却还是会去想,会去渴望?就是因为这些为什么,我们才称它为心情,无法控制的心情。。。人就是唯一有这些心情的动物,但是有时候都不知道应该把它当作特权,还是一种不幸。。。可以感受到是一种特权,一种福气,但是当我们感受2到要生要死时,那就是不幸,悲哀了。有哪些特别的人可以无时无刻那么开心?都把它当作特权呢?我想没有吧,人生总是有起有落的,没有任何一个人永远站在高峰,不会受到挫折的。

我思念小时候那些单纯的心情,不管有多伤心,一粒糖果就可以解决,要不人就是一睡醒就会忘记一切,重新再来。为什么当我们长大了就不行呢?只有一个解答,人总是贪婪的,渴望的东西总是一直提升着,跟着这个世界的脚步而提升,没有一样东西,从前的那粒糖已经无法满足了人类贪婪的渴望之心。如果我们永远都像小时候那样单纯,一切都变简单了。。。

心情的确是复杂的,很多时候都没有办法用一言一语来解释,有些时候更没有办法表达出来。。。如果言语没有办法表达,低潮的心情,眼泪就是它的表达方式。开心的心情,说不出口,笑容就是它的表达方式。心情也会是个恐怖的,它会让我们脾气变得暴躁,无法控制,他会让我们的心灵深受伤害。

有时候我们往往因为这样,怕心里受到伤害,怕可怕的心情影响我们,我们都会特别哦怕受伤害而拼命的封闭自己的心,自己的感情,这样我们就不会受到更大的伤害,这种叫自我保护性太强。但是,世界都是公平的,伤害得越少,保护得越强,我们就越不会表达感情,我们深爱的人就不会明白,我们在乎的人也更加不会察觉到我们的关心,真心,也更加不会和我们叫心比心的朋友。

所以说,要得到真心就要付出你的感情,心情能控制我们,但是我们也总有办法控制心情的,虽然真的很困难。人是理性的动物,不要被心情搞得不理性,乱发脾气,伤害你心爱的人。