My emo place....

Feel

2011-07-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

Feel is something can't be touch, can’t be understood, can’t be described; it just can be feeling inside our heart. Happy life should be simple, but yet human always get into more and more complex because of our feelings. Jealous feelings seriously can lead one into murder, goes into a wrong road and can't return back already. Sad feeling might cause commit suicide, destroy one's life. Happy feeling most wonderful, but it is too hard to achieve cause by our complex feelings. I know and totally understand that simple life lead to happiness, but yet how to make our life simple if we are having such complex feelings? And how to makes our feelings simple?

Feel can change anytime, sometime we can't even understand and can't even realise it. Try to imagine, how can it be? Just like sometime we thought we never like that person, but yet after sometime, we just realise actually he or she already left a very important place in our heart, but sometime it is too late to realise it. We thought we very hate that person actually we still very love that person. How can it be? It just can’t be explained.Without feel,without love, and without marriage, without break up,without sad,without happy,and human will become machine, this world no more wonderful.

We can cause of a feeling did something very crazy although we know it is crazy, but we just willing to do this just cause of this feeling. I guess everyone did this; I totally understand such type of feeling. Just like, I have a story here, someone without any reason, she very obsessed to one famous student who are very good in study and sports, treat her as idol, she just willing to do anything to get near into her, she never give up, this efforts never stop and continue until now, although she might get nothing in the end, she never regret although she know how stupid she is before this. But human inborn to be greedy, once we sacrifice a lot of things for someone, we will hopes for feedback from he or she, if we can’t get what we hopes, we will start to hate or blame him or her. But is it we should think like this? Is it the person makes us sacrificing everything for her or him? Is it he or she asks us to do this? The answer is NO, so we should not hopes any feedback from them, as all stupid or crazy things did just cause of our willingness, nothing related to them.

I wish there are ways to get rid of those negative feelings instead of have to wait it to fades away itself. This will makes us very suffer and can’t think of any way to solve it. But I know the only way to control this feeling just our conscious thinking, we should always have positive thinking, and think something from another views. This will make the thing simpler. Sometime not only complex feelings make our life complex, but also we ourselves make our life complex. Sometime a thing actually is very simple, but we human like to enlarge it. Just like break up with our boy friend, we try to enlarge it by feeling very sad cause of it and trying to tell ourselves we can’t life without he or she as our girl friend or boy friend. But after few days or if more serious, we actually can feel ourselves already can get rid of it. The truth is not you can’t, but is whether you want or not. If you can’t, that means you still hopes for something. If you want to get rid of it, sure you can do it, the condition is you truly get disappointed and already left no hopes for it.

Feelings are complex, but yet we can make it simple by our conscious and positive thinking. Add oil for everyone includes myself! I hope I can make my life simpler and happier!

放下往事

2011-05-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

放下往事？说得容易，但要做出来真的很难很难...即使负出最大的努力也未必做得到。要怎么放下思亲的心？要怎么放下你最亲的亲人为你所做的一切？要叫我暂时抛下也不可能，思念并不痛哭，痛哭的是思念永远都不会回来的亲人...再怎么思念，她也不会再回来了。别人老是说，她们永远活在我的心。有用吗？永远都无法再牵她的手，永远都无法再感受她再次摸摸我的头，无法在撒娇，无法再抱着她不放...只能凭记忆记得她，只能在梦里看到她。这种痛苦我再也承受不住了...

我以为我真的放下了，原来我在欺骗自己。因为一听到有关妈妈的东西，或则“妈妈’这个字，眼泪就好像控制不了了，一滴滴地滴下来，想忍也忍不到，真感觉自己很没用。常常想回往事。在这里想说一个故事，但是是真人真事，绝对没有夸张或骗你们。有一个家庭其实蛮穷的，刚开始是住板屋罢了。家里只有两辆老moto，老是死火，爸爸老是埋头苦工到半夜才回来，但是妻子还是会等着他回来，帮她弄烧饭菜，弄热水让丈夫冲凉不会感冒。然后载送儿女去补习，去上学就靠妻子了。这家的人最怕下雨，为什么呢？因为他们住的板屋会漏水，几乎还必须提心吊胆那屋子会不会倒下来，妻子都担心得不敢睡觉。然后还会担心，隔天早上会不会下雨，否则儿女又要全身湿湿到学校了，也深怕她的老moto碰到雨水会死火，不能走。一边一直祈祷...但是不好的事总会发生，雨还是下了，但是妻子还是不会放弃，还是硬着头皮骑着她的老爷moto载孩子去学校，而且还必须载两程，因为有两个女儿，三个人无法挤在一个moto上。她还是毫无怨言地继续，从女儿小学到中学都一样，而且还老是劝女儿努力读书，做个有用的人，能上到大学。

不好的事情也发生在这个家庭里，小女儿生成竟然是听不到的，而且也无法像常人一样说话。这让妻子伤心欲绝，每天都回想到她可怜的女儿，每天都流泪。但是她还是不放弃，到处寻找可以医她女儿的放法，但始终都还是没有办法。她还是送她女儿去平常小孩的学校，她坚持要证明，她女儿虽然听不到，但还是可以和平常小孩一样读到书，她真的有所成功，至少它女儿在班里不是最差的那一个，还比正常学生行。她还很努力为家里添补家用，一个人做两份工。每天都缝衣缝到三更半夜，但她还是不会喊累。常常省吃俭用，不舍得买任何东西给自己。她对女儿说;‘新年要到了，走，去买衣服给你们。’女儿问她；‘那妈妈要买衣服给自己吗？’她就会说；‘妈妈没关系啦，只要你们有，就可以了，你们开心，妈吗无所谓的。’她从来都不舍得买衣服给自己穿。生日或母亲节时，儿女问妈妈要什么，她总是回答说，她什么也不要，只要儿女考到好成绩，乖乖就好了。

随着爸爸的努力，家庭经济终于有好转了，一家人搬到一层排屋住了，不需要再担心下雨屋子会倒下来了，她终于有好觉可以睡了。但是她还是依然省吃俭用，依然还是必须骑老moto载两个女儿，每天都没有闲空的时候。直到终于这家人盼望的日子到了。他们终于有钱买第一辆车了，但是为什么老天要戏弄这家人呢？？？正当她很努力地要学车，因为想用汽车载女儿时，她因为太紧张了，导致血冲脑，高血压。在医院坚持了三天，就离开了这个家庭，这个世界...辛苦了一辈子，正当要开始可以享福时，老天就夺走了他的生命，就离开了这个世界，真不明白为什么老天要那么残忍！！！

这家庭的大女儿就是我...会想不到吗？我想，我也从没有让我朋友知道吧。你们说，没有了一个那么伟大的妈妈，这家庭该怎么办才好呢？？？事情突然让他们无法接受。在她的丧礼里，她的朋友己满了整个场。个个痛心欲绝，对她的一生只有赞，绝无批评。老板称赞她，绝对是个尽责的工人，很勤快...每一个人都说爸爸很庆有她这一个那么好的老婆。准备丧礼的时候，想找件美一点的衣服都没有，真让我痛心不已，因为记起她从来都不舍得买衣服给自己...妈妈，您太好了...是我从前不会珍惜您，多么后悔也没用了...

妈妈，我永远以你为荣！！！！你是我最好的妈妈，没人能取代的...我很想很想你。

Step into my hometown again...

2010-09-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

"For all of your information,im now studying at local uni Unimap,perlis.I'm sorry that have been a long time do not update my blog posts,promise will update it when i am free.=)"

When i was on my way to Perlis,I'm thinking i will have a new life at there,and i hope that i really can be happy at there.And yeah,this turns out to be true.I really had a happy life at there,although the environment at there a bit 'speechless',but I having a very cute coursemates.=)Hmm,about our lovely coursemates,i will update in another posts la k,be patient.While im studying at there,i'm slowly away from insomnia,maybe because of busying with all the assignments and tests,and i thought i'm already fine and ready to accept the truth that my mum already up to heaven...

After roughly spending two months at there,there is time to get back here,i'm really very scared and worry...wonder how my sis changed to be,wonder what is happening in family already,wonder whether i will be very suffered and sad when i get back into the family again..My heart full of nervousness and worries,i don't know what words should i use to describe it.

The moment i step into my hometown...Unexpectedly,my heart very pain,tears just running my eyes.My mind just like replaying the slide shows of the days when my mum at hospital...How i suffered when im just can see my mum lying on the bed and leave us,but i just can't do anything except just crying badly at there...I'm really very sad until now,the 3th days i have been in my hometown.I realised that all this while i'm just cheating myself,i never away from this,the most bad dream in my life...never...I'm just a very weak girl,missing my mum every seconds i'm alive in this world... I really miss her,miss her everything...1 years had gone,but yet i'm still like this,i really don't know what am i going to do...

Do you understand my feelings?Missing someone that will not come back to you again is more more more worse than missing someone will come back to you just the problem of time only...

"Mum,do you hear me?I really miss your scolds,your laughs,your smiles,your shoulders,your teaching,your everything...I really very miss you deeply comes from my bottom heart...did u know that?I'm wonder whether along this time i'm just living under your shadows,your images,i'm just never away from all of your memories...And I'm sorry i can't take good care of sister,please tell me what still can i do?what can i do for sister?what can i do for this family already?I'm really helpless...How good if you are still here with us..."

Instead of such kind of sad feelings,this time i try to think from my dad's side..I think no matter how he have did wrong,he still my dad...No matter how,i still will try my best playing my roles as his daughter..taking good care of him..I will try my best...I will talk patiently with him,will not argue with him like last time already,i promise...I really don't know why this time come back,i can be like this...I wish I can keep this up and maintain a good familyship with my dad...Really hope one day there will be no quarrels in my family again and my sister will become more and more good..Mum,please give me some strength to continue all of this...

Happy Mother's Day...

2010-04-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

Recently I do change to become more and more cheerful and realistic. But, I guess I have to become emo a while over here…I am thinking my mum again, just want to express my very miss feelings to her…

For me, my mum is very very great in my heart. No one can replace her, no one can compared with her…I want to say some stories over here..My mum having ten sisters and brothers in her family, five brothers and five sisters…And she is in the second eldest among all her sisters and brothers. Before my grandpa passed away, her family is very rich because my grandpa is very good in doing Business. But unfortunately my grandpa also passed away very early, about 40+years old. So, after that my mum’s family becomes more and poorer, because my grandma doesn’t know how to carry on my grandpa’s business. And plus my grandma are too kind and too honest..So, she very easy was being cheated. And because of that, my grandpa’s business become more and more bad…Thus, soon my mum’s family becomes more and more poor…

So, in order to support this big family, my mum decided to give up her studies and comes to Kelantan to work from her home town, Terengganu. At that time, she just 16 years old. She only work as a simple tailor over here, but she very very hardworking, in order to pay all the study fees needed by all her sister and brothers who are still very small and studying. She always told me, she even make a schedule for her tailor work, such as in two hours, must be able to sew one trousers…Just imagine how hardworking is she. Hence, because of her hard work, her sisters able to finish their studies. Some of them be teacher, some of them become clerks…etc.

Just because she doesn’t have a higher education, so she works as a tailor along her life. She is a great tailor who can be very neatly in sewing…But, as a tailor, her salary not much. So, she always keeps living in a busy life. When she is young, she has to support her family, now when she gets older, she still have to support our family. As my dad’s salary also not really high So, every time while my mum is working hard, she keep mentioning, she want to keep more money for me and my sisters, to further our study…

My mum is a very kind people, so she had a lot of friends and a very wide social network. She can talk easily with anyone around her even though she doesn’t even know that people. But she can be very fierce also, as she very strict in me and my sister’s study. Always ask us to study more everyday. At that time, I really felt very angry coz sometime she don’t even allow me to watch movies some more. But now I do realized that all what she did just for our own good…

My aunts and uncles always said that, without my mum, they won have today’s…And until now, I still keep on receiving my mum’s friendssss phone call. As some of them don’t even know when my mum had passed away, they just get a shocked. As they always meet my mum, my mum always so healthy. She is a very active person, always run her activities over here and there, find her friends to talk..None of my mum’s friends talk bad about her, but just always keep praising her…She is very responsible to take care of her family,support her family,very hardworking as she always very busy,very tough,very brave,very kind…etc.

When my mum’s friends keep saying, they really shocked when knows my mum passed away, I just so wish to tell them, then how about me?????????Just imagine, during morning, I just talk very happily with my mum…and always had heart to heart talk with her. But soon after tuition, I totally nearly faint when I received my aunt’s call that my mum had went into hospital coz of stroke!!!And after that, she don’t even can open her eyes to see me, don’t even can open her mouth to talk to me…until she really leaves us without any words…Just in three days, things can changed until so fast???Until I can’t believe this is the truth!!!Everything changed in just three days….

Mum, I love you more than I do…I miss your everything…I miss You badly deep inside my heart. I hope You can receive every wishes from my heart every day…that I really wish You doing very fine up there. Can You see me??I really tried hard to carry on my life, continue to support this family, and face any problems cheerfully…I really tried my very best to be your good daughter. I hope You can hear me…Happy Mother’s day…mum…I always proud for having You as my mum…You always live in my heart…

'SOMETHING'

2010-03-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

Since shapoh yiewan asked me to write 'something' in this rotting blog,then here i am la,and so i write STH here lo,Haha.Guess not going to write about my daily life,maybe next post la.Let's come to my all sorts of feeling again...I am thinking,this few months i have did a lot 'the first time'...

The first time I start to drive my new car on the road,the first time i felt the terrible feelings of lossing our loves one,the first time i learn to settle all sort of problems by myself,the first time i cook for my family every day,the first time i tried my very best to take care my sister,the first time i doing my very hard decision without my mum,the first time i felt so terrible for this 'qing ming'....etc.

By doing all of this 'the first time'...I really do felt very hard and very tired.It seems like noone can i depends,I just realise how important my mum for me.But yet it is too late already..For now,i just can continue to do all of this 'the first time' to continue my life,or else i can't imagine how my life will be...An example,when i am thinking the time when i want to go study,i am thinking who is going to bring me go.And i guess i end up with i can go by myself.I can't depends on anyone i guess...Noone.It seems really hard for me,but what can i do?i just can keep on being tough and slowly settle all of this problems.I really pray hard that everything coming soon in my future will be smoother...*pray hard*.

Such feelings that noone can depends and everything got to count on myself,i really don't know how to describe...You will never know if you do not undergoes...I just realise how hard our lifes will be...Mum,when you are here,you really always the place that i can depends,that i can feel your loves,that i won't felt so helpless....i won felt so hard...I terriblely miss you,and i always loves you.Life?is it so hard for me?Hope all the best for me ba.Friend,appreciate,take care and loves your mum more when they are still there for you all...I really hopes you all will appreciate this.When you lossing her,you just know how terrible you are,how helpless you are,how hard your life going to be...

Other than this,along this holiday,some friends i really long time din meet them.Recently,i do really miss them so much...>_

Memories always is the 'thing' that able to makes your heart felt sour and at the same time felt sweet...Of cause if for sad memories,it is able to make your heart felt sour and at the same time felt sad...and the same time tears drop too...right?but yet weird,all of this can't easily deleted from our mind even we wish to.

Sometime some memories or someone we actually just din think about it already but yet all of this can suddenly comes out in our dreams...So,when we wake up,it just a refresh back for us,making us think back all of the past time,the people involve during the past again...And we will started to miss them fully from our heart.What does this means?is it means actually all of this memories in our bottom heart,just we don't realise it?I also wish to know about it...

'Miss',can let people felt sweet but yet can makes our heart felt sour and finally end up with crying...Such a complicated feelings.But,we just can't avoided from such kind of feelings...I believe everyone do have such kind of feelings...Missing someone that we can meet again in other time is ok,but yet if missing someone who already in heaven or went to a place that are very far,then this can be very very painful...Miss but yet can't see them again...You will not understand how sad this feelings are if you do not undergoes all of this.

So,appreciate every single people around you when they are still with you...especially your parents...Loves them and take care of them or else you sure will regret...

The reality of life...(for me)

2009-11-26T21:08:00.000-08:00
There have been three months since my mum's go.During this period,i really learnt a lot of things about the reality of life.Life?is it so cruel and unfair?Just try to imagine,some people able to get what they want.Some people,maybe they have tried hard,but in the end they still might get nothing.Starting from the moment human born,we already walking to the road of death.Somehow i will think,if when we just born,we already heading to death,then what for we still striving so hard?As in the end we also will walk on the road of death and go somewhere else which we don't know.The difference just some people step on the road of death earlier,whereas some people later..But,this is absolutely wrong thinking.We should think like this,in reality,life is really like brief candle,so in this short of period,we should do as much meaningful things as we can.We should live life happily and meaningfully.So that,when we want to close our eyes and step on to the road of death,we will not regret..right?

All things happen in life are really unpredictable.Honestly,until now,whenever i think about what happen to my mum,I still thought is it a dream??For me,it really happen too suddenly until i still need some time to accept it.Along this year,i really heard a lot of bad things happen to the others and including me myself.One of my schoolmates from Chung hwa,it is so pity that in only one night,he lost his father and his brother,and even her mother and sister still lying in hospital,because of one scary accident.During his father and brother's funeral,he also could not attend.Just because he have to take care of his mother and sister at hospital.How much pity is him if compared to me...This prove that there are really many things that we cant predict and we cant control..No matter what happens in our life,what we can do just appreciate what we have around of us...live meaningfully and happily.When something bad happen to us,we have to hold on,accept and still have to striving hard for our own life.This is what we called 'life'..

For me,life is really cruel.But what can i do?blame for the God for taking my mum's life so early??blame myself coz less care of my mum?blame the new car?blame for my dad coz buy the new car?I really did blame for all of this before this,but now i realise useless for me to blame all of this,coz although i blame for everything in this world,my mum will not return back already....What i have now,just my little sister.She is my only hope,whenever i am sad,i will think of her.I will holding on just because of her...

During this period,i really really suffered a lot.This feelings...not everyone can understand it...My heart like broke into pieces,very pain sometime.But,i felt lucky that i have all of you.Your(refer to all of my friends) support,your advices,your helps and everything...makes me try to stand up again and again...really thanks....Without friend's support,I can tell you,i already collapsed long long ago...

And by going through all of this,I think i am not easily sad like before this.Now i only realise what is the most sad things..and i have undergo the most sad thing in my life.Thats why others less important than this will not makes me sad already.And i know more about the reality of life,but by knowing all of the reality of life,the conclusion that i have made just one..'Life is really very short,appreciate what we have,coz u can't predict when they will lost...and at that moment you will very regret.'Life is cruel,but we still got to accept it,holding on and striving hard...no matter what had happened.'

Although for now,i still suffering a lot whenever thinking of my mum.I really very very miss her,nearly every night tears accompany me to sleep...and every night dreaming of her...But,i believe one day i can overcome this.Hope i able to do that.

Gatherings on holiday...

2009-09-30T07:17:00.000-07:00
Don't know what should I write...Not actually happy,sometime still quite sad about it.Don't when this wound just can recover...My heart still numb,not really have feelings yet.*Sigh...*Hmm,anyway,still have something that i am bit happy with it.During holiday,I did go for some gatherings.And for those gathering that i can't go,sorry ya.I am not purposely,coz sometime i need to spend time for my mum's things..My gathering still in KB.mall...=.='(everytime also kb.mall...)But,not really boring lar.As i got you all mar.=)Friends come back from K.L,got Chuey sien,ling fei,Theng,Yiewan,Eet Ying and me.This is more than enough...Quite long we din meet.Roughly one year ba.We talk quite much...we walk in kb.mall,from 10.30a.m until 5.30,wow!!!You can imagine how long is it!!And we also took our breakfast and lunch at there,luckily not until dinner lui.kaka..=P And something funny happen there,this one...hmm,got to ask theng theng and eet ying's hair luuu...hahaha,u two know la har.

This is some photos that we take during gathering..=)Nice nice,thanks to our pro 'camerawoman'..haha...Theng,ling fei and Yiewan..=P

First Take. Second Take(whats wrong with me..=.=')
Third Take,whats wrong with lingfei?=P

Nice Take!!But me and yiewan's hair...kopek=.='
Fifth Take,Theng theng come^^
Sixth Take!!Ling fei disappear..haha..=P
My eyes..=.='why i so happy?=.='and ling fei still disappear,but lingfei's hair got lar..haha..=P
Perfect!!!!Finally!!!All comes in,and all smile..=)(theng theng a bit cool)haha.
Eet ying appear!!Take in the car.haha.dark dark..=PBut,yiewan disappear,lonely at kbmall..haha.
The final photo for this time gathering!!!tata...
Ok,after 5.30p.m,i have a small gathering with florence again.And xiaw sher with us too.^^Shapoh florence din give me take photo with her...T.T...Quite happy talking with her.Haha.I think this is our first time gather together.^^Florence,i am waiting you back again on November ya.Remember our agreement nah^^Must take photo with me already!!!!haha,see you on November...I will miss you,shapoh..~~!!We go to shopping at parkson,then have dinner at near Pantai Timur there.Then T.T...They tarik me go to Kb mall pulak.So pity me o...Go Kb mall for hampir whole day....Go Kb.mall until want to vomit already.Then we using my new car to send florence back to her church....This is the end of my gathering.Wah,gathering for whole day...really break my record...=)

During this holiday,I din meet my idol,haha.But,we make a yue1 ding4..=)I will practice my driving skill ya.You will be my first passenger,i promise..=)I will go to fetch u by using my new car at your house.Thanks for being there when i am sad and helpless...Although we din meet,but just talk in the phone with you,you really able to give me some energy although not much can cheer me up yet.But really help me a lot a lot already..We talk in the phone for 2 hours!!!I express all my feelings to her,and i felt sorry too coz i stop for a few times while talking with her in the phone.Coz my tears keep on flowing until i can't continue to talk...And very very thanks to her,coz she always being a good listener...and good advisor...And the feeling are so good when we always share our sadness and happiness together.=)Meiyee,gambateh together for our last exam.You can do it.=)

Life without you....

2009-09-10T05:20:00.000-07:00
Without you,i am just like living in something like empty bottle,not really happy,not really can feel anything special about my life.Go home?Just like go into an empty space,no love anymore for me,no warm feelings anymore...Just full of memories....I miss that time you still here...Just realise how important you are in this family.In this world,the person that i love most is you.Now you already went into other world,my heart suddenly felt nothing about this world already.Before this,my heart always pain as i am a sensitive and emotional person.But,till now,i never felt my heart pain already,really no..Sometime i do wondering where is my heart already.The only feeling that i felt is numb feeling of my heart...Noone can fit into my heart anymore...Include friendship that i thought most important for me before this.

Is it means i no longer be back who i am before this??Who are so sensitive,so care about friends,so emotional,sad anytime,happy can be very happy,sad can be very sad...When sad,always find friends to share.But now seems i am behave contrastly...I am not sensitive anymore,the thing that i love and hate before this now seems nothing to me...Not emotional anymore,just be in centre,not very happy...but,sometimes can be very sad.When i am sad,i am just avoid to tell my friends...Even avoid from facing them..Friend that i always share sadness with her,becomes i don't even think of finding her anymore when i am sad...I am just like to be alone.My heart just like close already,sad cannot be expressed through words,cannot be expressed through expression.Just can keep in my heart and tears out....The only way i like to express just right here...in this blog.

I hope this is temporarily me...Or else,i might change in all aspects...Maybe all of this cause i feel that life is just like a brief candle.Human can 'go' anytime they want,or even they don't want,they also forced to 'go'...Why our life like this??A person that strives so hard for her life but then she don't even can have chance to use the money that she earn,is it fair??And without telling anything,just can 'go' anytime...Makes their families very hard to accept all this.Is it this called 'fate'??Life just very short..I even think then what for we strive so hard??Cause no matter how hard we tried,finally we also need to 'go'....I know this is wrong thinking,but maybe i still need time to change this thinking if i can...

I also hate those being irresponsible doctor,i really hate them.I will never forget how suck are them,when we are damn worry about our loves one who lays at bed gasping for air..They just behave like hell!!!I will never forgive them...The images of my mum keep on gasping for air,i will never forget....Everything about my mum i will never forget....

My life seems boring and meaningless without you,mum...No matter how hard i tried to be happy at the beginning,but just like after i laugh and laugh,I still can't cheat myself that i happy,i still be sad in the end...No matter how hard i tried to be happy at school or outside,i still be sad when i return home.What should i do??but,i will take care of myself and my sister,this is what i promise you.I hope you are doing well at 'there'...I love you,mum...my most beautiful mum and no one can replace you...my only mum that can fully fits into my heart....

To my beloved,dear and most beautiful mum in my heart....

2009-08-25T21:33:00.000-07:00
To : My dear Mum in Heaven...

Now i rather you and my dad quarrel...Coz without you,my home not really like home.Without you,my life seems no orders...Without you,i felt my heart is empty,becomes no feelings...Without you,my everything that seems important to me before this now become nothing to me...Include singing...Since the day you go,i din sing till now.Duno why,everything seems not important anymore...I miss you so much,mum...really...I miss your voice while calling my name...Sometimes when someone whose voice is quite similar to you is finding and calling my neighbours,I really thought is you...And i really hope is you...Before this when i come back from school or tuition,you always comes out and help to take my things.But now when i go home,i don't even can see your shadow already....Every corners of my house makes me thinking of you...I miss your shouting voice.Now i rather you blame me or even beat me,i really willing...But,all of this seems impossible already....I keep on blaming myself for not enough cares for my mum...but useless already.The feelings of losing a precious and means very much to you especially our dear mum is very very scary....Whenever i thinking of this,the scary feelings comes over me again....And missing feelings comes to me continuously...Mum,you always my best mum....Our loves for you will never end...You always live in my heart...But,i really miss you very very much.....I love you very much,mum....The loves will last until the end of my lifes.No words can describe how much i miss you and loves you already.....I wish in the next generation,you still will be my mum....Noone can replace you in my heart....noone...

From your dear daughter:
San

10th August 2009
I feel very shocked when i receive my aunt's call that my mum sent to Hospital,coz she pengsan as her blood pressure is too high..until she don't even can wake up at that moment..Just imagine one hour before this,my mum just send me to tuition happily by using her new car with my uncle..But just after your tuition,you receive such call,just imagine how shocked am i??!!Then after that rush to Hospital,I saw my dear mum have to depends on many machine to breathe,and she cant even open her eyes anymore,makes me cry unstop...unstop...my mind blank...shocked until don't even can accept.At that time,mum's blood pressure already reach 249...In contrast,blood pressure for normal people just around 110 or 120...I really can't imagine this...But,we still having hopes that after her blood pressure drop,she can wake up.

After that,doctor takes my mum to scan for her brain.Then he told me that mum will never wake up again,the chances is very small...Ask us whether want to have surgery on her brain or not.But even undergoes surgery,the chances she wake up also very small,surgery just to makes her live longer...This makes me sad until i can't even say one word,my heart seems empty...What should i do????I really can't see my mum blaming me,talking with me,shouting at me already???At this very sad moment,we still needs to make a very hard decision that whether mum should undergo surgery or not...Just imagine how terrible the situation is...The whole night when i back to my home,i just watch the wall of my room until the next morning...really,don't even can close my eyes...Whenever i close my eyes,a lot images of my mum will comes out already...Don't even can eat,don't even want to drink anything...

11th August 2009
At early in the morning,we went for a lot temple just to pray for my mum and ask many other doctors...And after that we go to hospital to see my mum again,I keep on looking the two machine which shows my mum's heart beat and inhaled oxygen level.This is very very scary,the rate of my heart beating just according to this two machine...I just scared heart beat or inhaled oxygen will suddenly stop...We keep on praying for my mum so that miracles can happen and she can wakes up...I bring my sister to see my mum,she cried badly too.Everytime i visit my mum,my tears comes unstop....At that moment,i really hopeless....I can tell you all that,I hate kelantan hospital!!!!!!They don't even know what patients want...even glucose have finish,but the trainer nurse don't even know how to change that,and keep on asking us wait!!!!They never think of how scared we are....how actually our feelings...And the doctors...sucks...Ask them this,they answer other things,or just say for my mum case,they just keep as conservation.Is it means that they will not taking care my mum like other patients???Want to change to other hospital,they said all full???!!!What the...I really hate that.

12th August 2009
my sister,me and my aunt go to Hospital to visit my mum again.Everytime when i want to step into the Hospital,I am very scared...I scared i can't find my mum in the bed again...When i go to see my mum,i am very shocked,what???Why my mum's heart beat drop into 60+??For normal people,heart beat is from 60 until 100...And 60 is quite low already,i shocked until cried again...Then we quickly talk to my mum,gives her some supports...Then finally her heart beats rise until 90+,we just felt relieved a bit...But while we massage my mum,i felt that my mum's hand is a bit hot!!!So i ask the nurse,but she said nothing...=.='what the...Then after we having our lunch and comes back Hospital again,my mum is sick!!!!!Another shock comes over me again..My mum's heart beat rise until 140+!!!!!And till now i also can't forget how the machine sounds when abnormal heart beat comes...I am very scared until i ask the doctors,but the doctors seems know nothing!!!!What the....I scared until i cried unstop again...But,i can't do anything,we just can keep on using cold towel to wash my mum's body....But this seems useless...After that we go to have our dinner again,but i don't even want to eat anything....After finish it,we rush to hospital again,heart beat becomes normal a bit,but then inhaled oxygen becomes low again,becomes 80+ again,this makes me more scared!!!As for normal people,is 99...Then ask nurse to do something,but what the...The more thing she put in my mum's mouth,the lower the inhaled oxygen level...sucks...But then we can't stay long,the hospital guard waiting us to go,just left my uncles to takes care my mum....we forced to go home.

Just reach home,me and my sister pray unstop...until i received my uncle's call,my mum like not ok already...My heart seems want to drop already...We quickly rush to hospital again.But on the half way,my aunt call me again...said,mum go already....My handphone drops my hand,crying and shout to tell my dad...me and my sister run to my mum's wad,call my mum unstop...for half an hour,but my mum's heart beat lost,inhaled oxygen signal lost....me and my sister shout my mum without caring anything...but useless....My mum really go already....I give my last kiss to my mum face....

How suffered we are while looking my mum's face closed by a while blanket and push into a room which is to keep dead body.After 2 hours,i just can stop crying....and prepare for my mum's funeral....

All of this seems a bad dream for me.if you ask me now,I just can honestly tell you,i still can't accept this reality....I still having feeling that my mum will comes back....I don't even can use my words to describe how terrible,how the worse the feelings that i ever had...until I don't even want to face anyone or even talk....The real sad is you don't even know how to cry already...You just felt empty at that moment....

Laugh can laugh,smile can smile,ok is ok for me,Now...But,with empty heart...Nothing is important for me already...really....Include my favourite before this...seems meaningless for me already...The only thing that i relieved is my mum go with smiling face....Mum,don't worry,we taking care ourselves properly...I will takes care sister,loves her more than before...you just go without worry...Once again,I love you,my mum....very much.....

Hate...

2009-07-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Everyday quarrel unstop,especially coz of money,or just a small thing,why can't they just tolerant to each other a bit,then everything will be alright??I really tired,and feel like want to explode already.Marriage is something happy and it need tolerance,believes and love from each other.If they can't do all this,why they still get married??I really angry...and hate!!

Quarrel,quarrel...quarrel...They don't realise how their child think and their feeling???I feel so bad,feel disappointed,feel helpless,feel what is the meaning of this family??If a house always full of noise and quarrels,then this is just a house which no happiness,no calmness,just nothing...Just a place for us to sleep,that is ok already.When i want to study,i don't even can concentrate under this terrible situation..Why they don't realise this??Told them for thousands of time already what i felt,but this seems useless...What can i do??maybe i just wait for a time when i leave this family,then i will feel better...

Feel like losing direction now,everyday lives in such situation,leading me to such a pessimistic thinking and moody feelings..Looking others families which is so happy,and always laugh happily,makes me really jealous.I always thinking,why my family not like them??I asked my parents also,why???but they just give me useless answers...Makes me speechless and disappointed...

Breathless too,din give me watch tv many times,din give me cycle for many times,din give me sing,din give father rare fish,din give father just take a rest during weekend,want him do this and that,why she never think of our feelings?We are not a machine that can controlled by anyone!!!I respect my mum,sometime i do feel her care,but sometime really makes us breathless!!!Told her for thousand of times,but she never heard it..why???Just coz i always keep quiet,and she keep on blaming me...for useless small thing,and blame for something that i don't think i did wrong...I really tired...

Sometimes really don't even want to go home,and face all this terrible situation...which always makes me from so happy feelings directly drop into a hell feelings...Why?Family not a place for me to express feelings,not a place for me to feel calm,not a place for me to rest,not a place for me to do what i want.Perhaps,it is just a jail which makes all of us breathless...

Sometimes i really think if they are not suitable to built this family,then just maybe divorce is the best way for us to breath and maybe will lead to a more happy ending for all of us...As i am really...Tired,breathless,disappointed and ....sad..Enough for all of this already...

When we lost something,we just will try to pay attention and appreciate it...

2009-07-03T23:39:00.001-07:00
This week I seems moody without reason.I have some weird feelings,some kind like missing people feeling.But,i don't really know who i am missing.Weird,is it?Miss my friends?Miss some moment?Miss a special event?Or anything else?Maybe all...I miss my friends studying at K.L.I miss the moment we being happy together.I miss a lot of events that we are together to celebrate it.A lot of memories still keep on playing in my mind.I know and understand that we should look forward but not look backward by thinking all of this memories.But,for me that,I think i will never forget all memories no matter is sweet or sad.If the memories had goes deeply into my heart and my mind,then i am sure i will never never forget it...

I keep on downloading a lot very very nice piano melody...This makes my heart more and more sour when the miss feeling comes over me more strongly.Try to feel something by closing your eyes while listening all this smooth and damn nice music until I duno how to describe how nice is it...You will feel very very good until i don't know how to use words to describe it.You can ask from me,if you want all this smooth piano melody...~At this moment,you will know who really important in your heart until your mind keep thinking of them.Very amazing feeling.That's why i said human relationship is always the weirdest thing in this world,nothing else...

Human will only appreciate thing when they had lost thing.Same like me..When we nearly lost or had lost something,we just will know their importance and their role playing in our life.Sometimes it is too late for us to do anything,but sometimes the time still allowed us to do something to cure it.Anyway,No matter it is too late or early,I think we still have to try our best to do what we can and what we want,right?As there are chances we also should try.We can meet our friends,our loves one,our families all depends on fate or destiny,right?Do you believe in fate?For me,I quite believe in fate.As there are no reason can explain how actually we will know our friends that staying beside us now,how actually we being together with our loves one,how actually parents are our parents now??There are so many questions marks if we din explain all of this by FATE,this word...
An example,Michael Jackson...When he already left this world,a lot of people just try to appreciate his music that bring so much happiness for us,included me.Maybe a lot of negative news about Him,but we still can't deny His contribution in our music industry,right?News recently really makes me angry,they just admit actually they do added something fake news in Michael Jackson which really bring negative imagine on Michael jackson..Although we can't actually differentiate which news is real about Him,but i still admired Him as the King of Pop songs...His marvellous dance like Moonwalk,robot dance which really amazing and voices that bring out all those damn nice music to all over the world..I bet that nobody can competed with Him...
Our future also seems fated where we will goes..Some people even get good result also can't get what they want.But,some people did get what they want although their result are not really good.Some people born in poor family,and have to makes a lot of effort just can get what they really want,but somehow they might failed to do so.But,some people borin in rich family.Without doing anything,they can get what they want and maybe more than what they really want.This world is not really fair,right?But,i am not going to blame for it.As i believe as it is fated how we will going through our future,so God makes this to us,sure have His reasons...What we can do just tried our best in our life,not to make us regret in the end of our life.Try to appreciate what we have right now....

But again...Human always like that,sometimes although we know it is very important for us to work hard for our life and future,but still we choose to being lazy.The reasons??I also don't know why...As i also one of them who being lazy although i know i should strive hard for what i want....Haha,*sigh* also.Maybe we will being like this just to give chance for our friends to play their role??I also don't know..Haha.But,when i am lazy,i do get motivation from a lot of friends through their words,through their advices,through their actions...That is how actually human relationship works on,right??I do believe this...Sometime through words,can heavily affected someone.So,sometime we should be careful of what we have said.It might bring positive or negative effects to someone...

I am sorry as i always like to say about all of this.But,don't you all think i really able to do all of this ya.Just cause i always failed to do so,Haha.So,i am trying hard to write out all of this to remind myself better...TRY TO APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE NOW...That is really the thing that i should learn...And STRIVE HARD also i should learn..No matter how hard our life goes on,we still have to live,right?So,we have to choose to face all of this and goes through all of this bravely.I wish i able to do all of this...

Gathering~~**

2009-06-28T04:21:00.000-07:00
Have been a long time i din update my blog,no idea,my computer had been sent to repair for 3 weeks.Wah,in this 3 weeks,really very bored.Life without computer makes me crazy.But also can makes me do homework and study.Haha.I will start with my some sweet gathering.

Lets start with gathering with Yiewan,Chuey sien,Ling fei,Theng theng,eet ying,ee wern and chai ling.Hmm,what should i say about this gathering.It is quite enjoy,i quite like it.This gathering held in KB mall again,a common place..which I go until wana vomit already.Haiz.haha.But by having time with you all,even a boring place also can become very interesting,don't worry.We also take quite a few photos,which is quite nice^^I like it very much.^^And crazy yiewan simply use her new h.p and take crazy photos.Why i say is crazy photos ni?coz all photos she took all show her beauty side,then all friends beside her become weird.=.='naughty yiewan.But,i also like it^^haha.Please send for me if got chance yea.

I also meet with Eet ying,who i din meet her for almost one year!!After our nice,enjoy and happy trip to K.l^^Her hair change colour,become a bit red.O.OHaha..But afterall nothing much change^^still as funny as before.Haha,O.O.One different thing is......Haha,don't want to say about it.You just guest what am i trying to say la ya^^Hope to see you again~

After spending 2 months here,they went for U again.Yiewan,I first time song4 friend at train station de ya,U got appreciate this!!!hahaha...I will miss you.T.TActually when i see you going into train,a bit sad feeling really comes over me.I wish you all the best ya~When got anything,can always msg me like before^^I will ready for you here...Chuey sien,I am sorry i can't song4 u ya,coz that day is schooling dayT.TBut i really also wish you all the best ya.Same as yiewan,when got anything can always msg me like before and of course call me like before^^be here for you two.Take care ya~Theng theng,I also wish you all the best^^be an most professional Akauntan^^!!Aza aza fighting,Gambateh ya for U life^^You all wait me ya,I will try my best in exam so that can join u all at K.L^^hahaha,but got to be you all junior already.T.T

But,i feel sad coz of Ling Fei.What the...You get 4 flat and band 5 for Muet,but get your 7th choices for U places.Is it very 'funny'??I wonder whats wrong with the government?Ling Fei,I wish you all the best ya.No matter what decision you made,i will always support you~When feel helpless or sad,can find me anytime.I will try my best to help you,k?Wishing you all all the best...My dear bestiesss..^^Ok,let me attach some nice photos^^

Smile^^~~!!Peace^^=P

Another one,smile once again^^!!!

Ok,Lets start with another gathering.A friend that have not meet for 7 years!!!Finally we meet again.Her name is chia poh.It's quite shocked when i receive Theng theng messages that chia poh come back here,as i din hear any news from her for 7 years already!!!Can say lost contact already.Nice to meet her back,she changed a lot until i not really know her.Haha.Chia poh,really nice to meet you again.I feel warm feeling from you again,don't know why.Maybe in my heart,i still treat you as bestie ba after so long...Hope to meet you again if got chance.Besides that,i also meet some friends and talk with them,as we long time din talk together already.All of this are classmates of 1 pinang.Haha.Quite miss that time,no worries,just play and play and play,and can see idol every day at class.Such an enjoyful life!!!Ok,here are some photos from us again^^

Nice^^pinky^^

pinky again^^three of us^^
Four of us^^
Ok,that's all about gathering.Next post maybe I will write about journey at xiaw sher's house??Hahaha...Let see what i will write^^

Love's feeling....(To be continue)

2009-06-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

How we know when we fall in love with someone?Thinking of her or him for whole day....Even you just meet him,after a few minutes,or even seconds...you will miss him again.In your world,maybe just got her or him...the only one...When you go to shopping centre or anywhere,you will think of buying something for him...thinking of his smiling face when receive your present,you will feel extremely sweet.When you meet him,your face will turn red,your heart will beat faster than usual...You will feel nervous until don't know what to say...Holding his hand or just stay beside of him,you will feel enough sweet and warm...Din meet him for one week,just like ten years for you.You miss him until your tears can out from your eyes...In your dreams,you just will dream of him.

A little action from him enough to make you feel sweet,but for others,even they do hundreds time,you also feel nothing.'I love you' from him enough to make you sweet until don't even can sleep.A bright smile from him,will stay in your mind forever.For you,he is the most handsome guy in this world,noone can replace him in your heart...You will sad coz of him,happy coz of him.Your mood will swing according to his simple actions,words,or even expressions...Holding his hand or even hug him is the most happy or warm thing in your life.Other thing will no longer important for you,he is the most important person in your life at this moment...

Some people can found their soulmates,lead to marriage and have their own kids and stay with their loves one until the end of their life...This is the most happy thing i think in our life no matter they are rich or poor,it doesn't matter anymore.But,some people can just keep their love for someone their loves in their bottom of heart,cannot tell him,cannot show how much they care for their loves one,this is the most sad thing...Everyday just can keep watching him,whenever you see he is sad,you can't do anything,just because you don't even brave to do anything...Whenever you see he is happy,you will feel happy too,but is happy in deep of your heart...You care for him too much but then never can show out...You loves him so much but then you can't even stand near to him,can't even talk to him.You sad for him,but he never knows it...You care for him,he also never know it.How pityful is it....Whatever you did for him,he just know nothing...

Another types...He do whatever things for you,show his care for you,expressed how much he loves you...Everyday find chances just to talk with you,send messages for you,bought or even did whatever present for you just to make you happy..Try to date with you...But,your uncertainty makes he feel so hurted...He even told you,maybe he got cried because of you,but you don't know...He propose for few times,but your uncertainty just like telling him you already rejected him...But,finally..When he totally give up,and found his soulmates.You just realise maybe you already likes him,but not yet totally in love.You feel jealous when you see him and his soulmates pictures..And start missing him,missing his love poems for you,missing his sweet words for you...But,everything already past...You already can't say anything,but then just can keep in your heart...and wait...Maybe one day he will come back to find you again.But,the chances is too small that you can imagine...So,maybe what should you do just let it go...And take a deep breath and maybe you will found your soulmates soon...This is another sad thing in love world...

Love means everything...But,doesn't mean that you have to sad until die because of LOVE.There are still a lot of things in this world that you need to appreciate.Life is just like a brief candle.Don't think too much if it is not needed(just like remind myself),don't sad too much if it is not worth(reminding myself again),don't care too much if it is not worth to care anymore,don't care what others think too much as you can't control their mind and mouth,take a deep breathe...and you will found there are still a lot important friends and family stay beside you...who always supporting you,but just you don't even realise their existence..appreciate them before you regret...人世间情为何物?*sigh...*
*added a romantic love korean drama pictures,try to watch it if you interested,you will touched by their loves....

Relationship between human...

2009-05-30T03:40:00.000-07:00
Have been long time din update my blog...At first,plan to write about our F6 motivation kem and my group singing performance,but seems too lazy to write...Maybe next time ba~Last night i watched 小孩不笨二once again,I cried again...Actually this is my third time watched it,but i still cried...Don't know what wrong with me..=.='But,honestly,this movie really very touched.All singapore movie also quite nice,I like to watch such type of movie,钱不够用二also is a touched and funny movie.I think they are really enough pro,can make the movie until so touched instead of funny,then the audience can learn something from it and can have fun too,how meaningful is it...

From all of this,i realise that relationship between humans really is a weird thing and seems noone can actually explain about it.I realise that some people are able to communicate well with their families,they can share whatever sadness and happiness with their families.But,some are not,they don't even can meet their once in a year. Some,although they can meet their families every day,but they seems nothing much to talk about,then i wonder the meaning of FAMILY.For me,of course,i able to talk with my family well.But,if want to talk about my sadness,happiness...I will not choose my family.I also don't know why...Maybe because they don't really understand me...My ambitions not really supported by them. I like to do what i like,just like singing...But,they never understand...Whenever i thinking of this,how sad am i...They don't even allowed me to sing in my school...The feeling if we can't do what we actually like is really very bad.It sounds like they are forcing me to lie to them...which i really don't like to do so,but just no idea.What i can say,just 'sorry'...

Whenever i have friendship problems,i also will just keep in my heart or keep to my other friends.This is just because whenever i want to share with them,they will just ask me to concentrate into study,and said that friends will no longer important to u after some time...I can't deny that they experienced more than us,what they said might be true.But,I still insist with what i believe.I believe in my friends..They are very important in my life.Whenever i am sad,they are the one who cares about me,understand me and support me.Of course,family will playing such role in my life,but for me,not much if compared to friends.Maybe some people don't agree with am i writting here,but just only applied to myself.As the first person i tell or call when i am sad,still FRIEND.Friends are the one understand my feelings...

Of course,family still very important in other aspects,i can't deny this truth.As without them,i can't face infront this p.c,and write this blog.Without them,i will not know how to use my language to express all of this.Without them,there are a lot of things i can't imagine....This is because they tried hard to provide us comfortable life,and let us able to study and become a useful person in future.

Although i believe in friends,but sometime all of this got to depends on how actually the friends that we make.There are some people that can't be trusted,maybe in their life,they don't really understand what is friends.Maybe for them,they just know how to 'use' their friends,but not treat their friends as true friends,will not care for them,support them,sad and happy with them.This really pityful...I don't know what to say about this...So,i hope that when we make friends,we will keep our eyes open..O.O...or else we will just being 'used' by them...and our eyes get blinded by their all lies...

Besides that,i found out something weird too...sometime we can chat nicely with some friends and know some new friends through MSN,messages,or any other ways of contact,but in reality,when we meet,one word also can't even out from my mouth...I don't know whether this can be applied to all of us include you all,or just me such a weird people...Not only that,some best friends...How close we are when in primary school or secondary school,when all people goes to different place to study...And after some time,when we meet together again...We seems not really have any topic to talk.This is really hurted...But,what can we do?This is just the reality of our life.This is the only thing that make me doubts about friendship sometime..Do you think friendship can be forever??I hope friendship will be forever,but i don't know whether it really can be realised or not....I just know,i appreciate every friendship that i had for now...I care for my best friends,i love you all....really...say it out from my bottom of heart....you sad,i am sad...you happy,i will happy for you by watching your smiling face....

Gathering...

2009-05-05T02:33:00.000-07:00
Hmm,a gathering is held at Hayaki,a very hot place when evening...=.='haha..hmm,maybe quite long we din meet each other,so less topic can talk about...But,i am happy can meet Yiewan who already with a long hair,become more pretty^^,Maria,Ling fei,Theng theng,Chuey sien,Winnie and Li En.All of them having long hair,except me..T.T..Never mind,I have to be more patient for half more year.Haha...Whenever they talk about their hair,i just can't say even one word..T.T...

Actually nothing change between all of us,just hair...Hmm,Yiewan still as funny like before^^,Ling fei hmm...maybe change into cheerful a bit,always smile...Chuey sien and Maria still also very quiet..haha...Maria still continue her weird behaviour,keep on observing me...=.='make me very shy...Others still same ba~haha...But,of course,long time din meet,so less something can talk.I hope that next time we gather more often then can have more thing to talk~

I always hope that we can have more special gathering,but i have no transport,My mum still give me drive..T.T..so i always failed to plan something special...So,i waiting u all to drive...*evil laugh*this is more applied to ling fei,chuey sien and yiewan!!!who have 2 months holidays...And we can meet more often during this period of time...Maybe we can play badminton sometime??haha...I just hope can spend more time with you all,Friendship forever~~!!I always appreciate our friendship de,please forgive me,sometime i think too much about that,ok??

This are few pictures we took at Hot Hayaki..=.='haha...all looks quite nice,except me..=.='who with short hair...=.='

Pictures 1~cheese^^
Pictures 2~smile^^
Pictures 3~Take 3^^
Yi?where r yiewan??haha,she so wei3 da4,be a cameramen^^good job wanwan,haha~

Exam finished!!!

2009-04-16T05:54:00.000-07:00
Have been suffered for four days!!!But,this four days just like four years for me!!Everyday after back from school,although tired like hell,but still need to find back those notes which are nearly become 'yellow',haha..And keep on opening my eyes so that my eyes will not close while reading those notes..=.='Then,my whole day just spend by sitting on the chair and sit infront of my p.c,and reading those boring notes,and memorising those equations,equations which makes me want to vomit and headache...=.='Then,the next day,become another panda huisan.This is really called 平时不烧香，临时抱佛脚!!!!

Honestly,this time exam,i really din try my best...Before the exam,everyone in my class keep on reading biology or chemistry notes already.But,me still keep on talking,crazying and singing with xiaw sher them..Then,during biology period,still having 'kaunselling session'with xiaw sher...haha,wah..what a 'good student" lek me!!!O.O..So,the consequences is i really don't really do well in this BIO exam...Maybe god want to make me hardworking a bit.That's why what i read and memorise hard about cycle in photosynthesis,respiration and homeostasis.Don't even out one essay questions from this 3 chapters!!!!This really annoyed me!!!And the stupid music from the malay school beside our school are having some kind like Karnival Sukan and damn noisy with all the kids sound and malay songs!!!But,this makes our bio paper 1 interesting a bit,not so dull..haha...Everyone in the class keep on laughing due to the funny malay songs...

Then,talk about chemistry...i also din go chemistry extra class that open by my cute cute chemistry teacher..O.o..haha,our cute cute teacher^^!!I am sorry yea,as i am too lazy...And sometime i also don't even copy the notes...I wonder why i am soooo lazy!!!So,the consequences is i can't do well for chemistry paper 1,and even keep on laughing during exam lui..=.='haha...For chemistry paper 2,essay questions still ok for me..But,still got undone part...structured questions although done all,but like simply bom..haha..

And honestly,i never really heard what teacher said during pengajian am...Coz,those politics things seems very foreign for me and i don't even have little interested on it..So,what i did everytime exam is just before the days of pengajian am exam,read all the notes..But,surprisingly,pengajian am is my most good exam if compared with other subjects...But,this time not same...there are too much chapters need to study...All the chapters in a thick P.A book!!!So,this time will be very CHAM for me...no more A for P.A..T.T...I seems blur with all those dasar dasar things...=.='

Finally,hmm about maths...I got did all the homeworks that gave by our maths 1 and maths 2 teachers..sometimes too busy also got miss it lar..=.='But,still can't actually memorise those formula of maths and apply it correctly...I really wonder what is the correct way to study maths...Hmm,Math 2 seems still ok for me...But,maths 1 really damn tough...i seems blur with chapter 5 and chapter 6...T.T...And also thanks to my tuition maths teachers..hahaha,i always din concentrated while he teaching but after that keep on asking pulak,makes him like headache...haha,sorry,teacher~

Conclusion,This exam not seems like an exam for me..hahaha,as i really don't really try my best.But this reflect that i really should try harder for the next exam.(always said so,but never really did it..=.=')Anyway,hope everyone happy after exam finally finished^^!!!!But,scary days coming o,coz result will be distributed soon...T.T,hope will not killed by my mum ba...O.OAnd also happy graduated from matriks for yiewan,chuey sien and ling fei!!!waiting you all come back yea^^hope i can plan something special for us to gather together...=.='instead of kb mall...=.='!!

LOVE?

2009-04-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

What is LOVE?This question had been in my mind for quite a long time...First,i think i talk about love between couples.Someone told me,when you in love with a person,when you see that person,your heart will beat very fast,you will miss him or her when you can't see him or her,in your world,he or she is the only one you think for whole day,for you,he is always perfect..is it right?For me,who is very appreciate friendship,even a friend i also will behave like this...If when you see someone,your heart will beat faster and shy,you will miss him sometime as you din see him quite a long time,but,in your mind,he is not the one you think for whole day,in your heart,he is not perfect enough...Then,what is this called??LOVE between friends or you really love him??

LOVE is really such complex thing..Maybe you too easy to fall in love with someone,but if want break,when you want to give up this relationship,it is too hard for you to do this..During this process,you will sacrifice your time,your energy,your tears and everything try to cure this relationship,and it seems like you can't even face this fact and hope for a turning point that can change everything just like before...This is not my experience,of course..LOVE can be very sweet and lead to wonderful marriage and family but also can be very sad till can cause someone do crazy things and commit suicide too..Maybe all of this got to depends on our fate...of course,we ourselves also have to try our best to cure our relationship no matter is between our loves one,our friends or families...

All of this seems easy to say out,but actually if we ourselves want to do that,it is very hard.Our hearts,our tears,our emotions,relationships seems uncontrollable.Sometime,even we tried hard,the thing also will not turn out to be the thing that we wish it to be...maybe it may turn out become more worse...which makes us more sad...This is because when we tried hard,while doing all of this effort to cure it,it seems giving us hopes...But,when it turn to be more worse which we don't even able to predict and expect it to be like this,we will be more disappointed and our heart may break into pieces...more sad if compared to we don't even do anything to cure our relationship...So,if really like this,we should do anything to cure our relationships when it changed or just don't do anything,let god decide all of this??For me,maybe i will choose both,I will do anything to cure relationships no matter is for our loves one,friends or families...no matter it turns to be more worse or better...Coz if really din do anything,one day maybe we will regret...Then,if finally after we tried our best,the thing still turn out to be more worse...I will just let god decide all of this...Hope god will do the best decision for us...Is it right??I also don't know...

Sometime we may feel tired after did all of efforts to cure our relationships...and try to give up...But,before you want to give up,maybe you should take a rest...Try to ask yourself whether you really able to give up...If can't,just take a rest and continue your efforts...Sometime we continue our efforts not only coz of our memories,or any other things...But,just coz of the people that we really concerned all the time,the people who stay in our heart all the time...We will do anything just for our cares one and loves one,right?But,sometime,if loves really changed and can't cure anymore,maybe we should learn to face the facts that our loves one's heart already changed...Of course,i think this is more applied to loves between couples...For friendship and families,there is only one thing will destroy it,that is called 'betray'...But,still,this also more applied to friendship...Until now,there is no such friend that had betrayed me.I don't know the feeling of being betrayed...But,i know,this will be very very hurt...until i don't know want to use words to describe it...I din hope this will happen to me,and i also won't let this thing happen to my lovely friends...So,i most hate such type of friends...

After all,i think,one sentence only i can concluded about LOVE,that is it is really the most complex thing in the world,and the most needed by everyone in this world.Coz,noone will brave to say that,they don't need LOVE,don't need friends,don't need families...right?

When night comes....

2009-03-04T06:48:00.000-08:00

Don't know start from when,i start to feel my heart always start to feel pain when night comes...all sadness comes to me...miss feelings comes towards me also...Sometime,i wonder this heart belongs to me or not...I just can't control 'it'...Night,always be my time to miss people...memories always start to play in my mind during night,no matter is sweet,bitter,sad...Sometime,even tears more frequently falls from my eyes during the night...Sometime,i just hope night will not comes...Maybe this is the reason,i always suddenly send message to my friends when night comes...I hope someone to accompany me so that i will not think so much,and some words i really suddenly want to tell them,and sometime suddenly i very miss them...such an emotional huisan appears when night comes...really weird...

When night comes,when i miss some friends,i just realise how important they are in my heart...which i don't realise it...and this causes many dreams comes to me during the night...Dreams,make me more miss them...make me more thinking about our sweet memories...lets see,hmm...i miss our crazy trip to K.L...i miss funny friends who fills my life with laughter...i miss friends that brings warm feeling to me...i miss friends that i don't have chance to meet her and talk with her...i miss friends who i can't talk to her....still a lot a lot that i miss...Sometime i wonder,is it everyday i just live in memories??!!I think 50% is yes...50% is no...Maybe i am just an emotional people that always like to think about memories...as i think it is very crucial in my life...I will not forget it,it will last in my mind and my heart forever...

I dinlike heart pain feeling...it makes my tears come out...it makes me really suffered...It will be worse than being shot...I really willing being shot rather than suffered with this heart pain feeling...You will not understand such pain if you never experienced it before...pain than any wounds in our body...And it have no medicine to cure..this is most worst...If have a medicine that can cure heart pain,i really willing to buy it no matter how expensive it is...But,there are some 'medicine' that atleast can decrease my heart pain feeling...

Someone that I really can count on when i am sad,someone really able to bring me up when i 'fall down'..even fall into 'hell'...Someone that immediately called me when i said i want to hear her voice after so long din meet her...makes me so touched...her voice makes me feel calm...the best friend that i ever had...Thanks so much,and sorry...coz always disturb you when i am sad or trouble...I appreciate you as my best friend...

Another one...always makes me smile and laugh when i am sad...even her single message which is always so funny for me,makes me smile and feel much more better..But,recently,(last night)she makes me feel sweet...haha~hope you will not sad already,k?I am sorry if i failed to entertain you,but I will always try my best to help you...always support you...As you always stay beside me when i feel down...I know you always so optimistic~You always can overcome all of this de,you giving me energy to overcome all of this too,thanks..T.T..Your funny action always able to bring me up~...

Another one..hmm,i know her last year,but we very fast become best friend already...as we same like to sing and always sing together...when i am sad,she always try her best to make me crazy and happy...I really touched too,and crazy with her really can decrease my heart pain feeling...Sometime she really crazy,and sometime she really sad...I hope she will always being crazy~but if sad,dun worry,i will always share with you...sad and happy together~

Anyway,although heart pain feeling being decreased,but it still happen anytime...is it i have heart disease??I really wonder whether there is a disease called 'heart pain'...sweat...=.='

Is it Human always like that?When something precious which always stay beside us,we don't even realise it's existence...but when we lost it,we just realise how important it is...But,when we start to appreciate this,all of this just like come to an end,it's too late to cure it...Then,we just will sad because of it...and start to regret...I think I am one of such type of people...such a big sigh,...if time can return,how good is it?Human will never have regret already,and maybe decrease sadness to be happen,happiness always comes to us...so good...haihzz...

2009-02-03T03:47:00.001-08:00

I like rain...

I like the feeling ..

when my body become wet coz of rain...

This is because,

rain can makes my mind suddenly clear of what am i doing right now...

rain can makes me express my feeling...

tears can drop while raining...

again,rain makes my heart feel pain...

when i am sad..

makes me cry...

when i am sad...

but,after burst out everything...

rain finally makes my feeling get better...

stand up again,and fight against future...

why such a miracle thing will drop from the sky?

is it god create rain just coz of the reason that i mentioned?

unknown...

Human always don't know what actually happening...

when we are sad,we don't even know the reason..

sometime...

when we are sad,we can't even think of ways to cheer ourselves up...

when we are happy,we don't even know why that person or certain thing will makes us happy...

is it called as human nature?or common sense?

again...unknown...

all of this maybe just scientist and god know..

but,i really hope one day,i will find out all of this...

I want to know one's thinking...

this is because,

it is too hard..

too sad...

too pity..

that we don't know what is our loves one thinking...

how are us infront of our loves one...

what is our position is in our loves one's heart...

sometimes...

coz of we don't know our loves one thinking..

misunderstanding happen..

quarrel happen...

breaking of heart into pieces happen...

a wonderful relationship broken happen...

a wonderful family broken...

Human always don't want to say out what actually in their heart...

so i really wish i can know what actually my loves one thinking..

includes my family..

my friends..

and my future life partner..

but,is it possible?

words come from our mouth is it really real?

really comes from our true heart...?

coz I myself always din say out and din behave what actually i want...

and what actually i want to say..

and what actually keep in my bottom heart...

noone knows about it...

Noone..

but,is it important?

even if we say out..

the result might not be the result that we want...

that we expected..

that will makes us happy..

and makes us will not regret...

sigh..

A new year..2009~

2009-01-02T05:16:00.000-08:00
Just step into a new year 2009,just without reason,my heart is so pain...my mood goes into miss someone mood again...Actually,not really can say is miss someone,as actually i am missing one special feeling...A feeling that is so special,I can't use any words to describe it...It is just sweet and happy.Without her,it seems like no motivation...I miss,I really miss the time that can always chat with her,any sadness just can share with her...Now,until now,I not really clear,for me,she is an idol or a best friend..But,anyway,most important is,no matter how,in my heart,she is playing a role,that is most important friend...She always so willing to support me no matter what decision that i make...That's why makes me so appreciate this friendship..I remember before this,i am asking her to be my dear 'sister',but she said i am her best friend...that is real..But,If suddenly be her sister,she will feel weird...This answer makes me disappointed and touched...Yesterday i sent a message for her,said a very 'thanks' to her,for every advices that she gave me,for every support that she gave me,for everything...along the year 2008...For me,you are a good friend.That's real...that is the reply for your message.

Besides that,i received quite a lot new year message from my friends,thanks yea,but I can't reply..As my credits expired already,hope you all will forgive me yea.I am so touched with few messages...Actually,that is never mind for me to share sadness of my best friends,that is you all...So,no need say thanks you..I just so willing to share you all sadness,that is real...that is my reply for you all messages..Hope you all will be happier in this new year!!!let us work harder in this new year yea!!For my best friends,yiewan,chuey sien,ling fei who is striving for four flat in matriks,I hope you all succeed!!I will support you all deep in my heart...For my another best friend,maria,wish u able to get into the university that you want~For my dear sister,Jessilyn in Seremban and wan jun(first time mention you in my blog,haha),let us study harder together for STPM!!!

A new year...A new start for my sister to step in secondary school,it is so hard for her and which makes me so worry about her...My heart is so pain when heard she said in her class,peralihan 2 ,just have 9 students...pity my sister...haihz,what can i do??Just now,i have to see her tears drops again...Everytime see her like that,i just can use my hand to hug her as tight as i can...She asked me,why she can't hear as other people can hear,and why she can't talk normally like us?But,what answer can i give her?I just speechless...I am very sure,if she can hear like us,she sure will not study peralihan,being looked down by her friends,being alone as she seldom have friends,have to cry sadly coz din have friends,have to worry how people will think when they know she din have ability to hear sound...and can't talk normally like us...Sis,i will support you no matter what happen....

Besides that,I suddenly have a question....What is love?For me,Love can makes people very happy,but can make people very sad too...Love can make one have their confidence back,and feel somehow still have someone to concern and love about them;Love also can make one lost their confidence,and feel like want to give up everything,include their lifes...Love can make someone forget themselves,sacrifice anything just to make their loves one happy....Love can lead someone to wrong way and being crazy too...but,in love world,i think no 'wrong' or 'right',this two words..maybe.Just have who loves who more.

If like that,is it we should avoid from love?so that will not being hurt deeply?Hmm,I think,even we don't want to have it,but it still will automatically comes to find us...and at that moment,we don't even realise it...until we really goes into it deeply,we just realise we already cannot get away from it...Just like our leg already step into a mud,a sticky mud...Even we use our whole energy to get out there,we also can't even succeed to do it...But,when we really get out from the mud,we will be injured...Same like love,when we love deeply,we can't even get away from it...But,when we really get out of it,break up with our loves one,then we will be hurt deeply...is it i describe it correctly?I also don't know...As i don't really have such relationship experiences...Hmm,if want to say like someone before,I think everyone sure have ...

But,in fact,still din have someone really stick to my heart deeply,i mean lover...Someone told me,'like' and 'love' not same...'like' is when you see someone you like,you will feel very happy...'love' is when you see someone you love,your heart will beat faster than usual,your face will turns red,and you can't even control what you want to say...ya,for me,i really agree with it...How about you all?

I think that's all for my this post,happy new year to everyone!!No matter how sad our life,no matter how tough our life,we still have to continue our lifes...Although our face might not show smiles in this new year,but make sure that we must have some courage to continue all of this...And i hope i able to do it...be a tougher huisan...

Tagged by ling fei

2008-12-30T00:07:00.000-08:00
01. what is the most important thing in your life?
family and friends =D
02.what is the last thing you bought with your own money?
ice-cream? =Phaha,sure is chocolate favour..^^
03. where do you wish to get married?
=.='..a place that like beautiful like heaven^^but sure is not heaven.^^
04. how old do you think you will get permanently owned by your lover?
20+? or 30+?
05 are you in love?
nope
06. where was the last restaurant you had dinner at?
erm... a restaurant at Tumpat,forget what name d..=.='
07.name the latest book you bought?
reference books but forget which one d..hehe
08. what is your full name?
Goh Hui San
09. do you prefer mother or father?
mother lor..when she is not in angry=.='
10. name a person that you really wish to meet in your real life for the first time?
one of the member of Dong Bang Shin Ki??XP
11. christina or britney?
britney~
12. do you do your own laundry?
No...=.='lazy worm...
13. the most exciting place you want to go?
korea? or paris?haha...undecided..
14. hugs or kisses?
hug!a warm one...
15. point out five things about the person who tagged you
- best friend since form 4..haha...
- fan of DBSK,who affect me to become DBSK's fan too..XP
- friendly
- sweet
-blur-blur...kakakaka^^
16. eight things i’m passionate about
-music(of course),anything about music
-sing and sing and sing
- online
- blogging
- Dong Bang Shin Ki^^
- my best friends?a wonderful friendship
-sleeping=.='
-playing like fool?haha...
- 17. eight books i have read recently
- biology reference book(coz wana copy essays..==)
- chemistry reference book(coz wana do notes...==)
- mathematics reference book(coz wana do holiday homework==)
-that's all ba,ling fei,pity me le...T.T..make me feel like i am truly lazy worm...
18. eight songs i’ve been listening over and over again
- どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？- 东方神起
- Love in the ice - 东方神起
- Mirotic - 东方神起
- Hi Ya Ya 여름날 - 东方神起
- Drive - 东方神起
- hey!don't bring me down-东方神起
- Are you a good girl-东方神起
- miduhyo-东方神起-(all is dong bang shin ki's song..hahaha..XP)
19. eight things i learned this year
-My heart cannot being so soft,must be hard a bit!!!
- life is too short,must live happily...must learn to be optimistic..!!!
- Let go anything that hurts me...
- must try and work harder to achieve what i want.
-appreciate what i have for now...
-care anyone that i feel they really care for me only...
-live independently without my dear best friends beside me...
-knowledge?haha..thats all ba...(think for so hard..=.=')
20. persons you tag
- Wong Yie Wan!!!(since you so seldom update your blog...kakakaka^^wana tortured you)
- maria!!!!(wana c what weird things will you write..kakaka^^)

Holiday...

2008-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

For this holiday,except finish my MM2 and MM1 holiday homework,i feel nothing i had done..*sigh*..i feel myself wasting a lot of time...the things that i have planned to do during holiday,like useless only...=.='Now i still left 21 bio essays that i haven't complete,*sigh* again...but,holiday just left about 2 weeks only..T.T...Anyway,when thinking about this holiday,i really speechless...I really spend too much time for watching tv,eat,sleep and my computer...

After this holiday,i will be in upper six already,i started to feel scared...really scared...STPM,such a big word that make everyone shivering include me...Everytime i just know how to scare,but never really try hard for it...I wonder why i like that...Maybe i should know the reason.This is just because my real dream is not in study field...No motivation that push me to study harder..*sigh* again...I really hope i can really try harder and go into the local University...that is the only thing that i should think for now...and i hope my mind really can think for this only...

Last night,got such an entertainment show that have an instrumental competition...I am so like the music that played with the help of instrument...Hmm,the instruments like piano,drum,saxsafon,guitar,harmonica...The instrument that i most prefer is piano,saxsafon and harmonica...*sigh* again...I really wish i can learn one of it...But,my mum will never allow me to do so...She just will say it will waste her money only...I wish someone can teach me...*sigh*...The saxsafon that played with the music 'winter sonata',is totally nice,until i don't know what word should i use to describe it...I am so envy those who can learn those instrument...Music is such a big word make me can totally forget about everything when hear it...

Besides that,after this holiday,my sister also will go into secondary school.If any of my friends always view my post,i think you all will know the condition of my sister.But,if no...I think i mentioned a bit right here...(So sad to say out all of this)Her ear cannot hear sound,even with the help of the er3 ji1,she also can't really hear like what our 'real ear' can hear...So,coz of she can't hear what we said,she also can't exactly talk like normal people...her talking way sounds like really weird...Just me and my mother will know what she want to express...I feel very sad whenever talk about this.Coz of the reason mentioned above,she can't study well...So,she have to study peralihan for the next year...I am so worry...I scared i can't always protect her...As i know the people in secondary school are not good enough,I really scared she will being bullied...*sigh...Everytime i remind her to be careful when she go to secondary school,she told me that she feel scared...All of her friends can go into form 1,her tears flow from her eyes...At this moment,my tears also follow her tears and flow from my eyes too...what can i do?i just can hug her tighly...just to tell her i will always support her...I hope that all of you don't look down on her,try to help her if see she being bullied...that is the only thing you all can help me...please...

I think that's all for this post....maybe a bit bored coz all i mentioned is about my daily life...I will write something special in the next post...oh ya,for the last post,i really appreciate for all my friends that concern me,thanks ya...Now,everything is fine already...and i really hope it will last forever....

Sad...very sad..tears came out again....

2008-11-18T03:37:00.001-08:00

At the midnight...first time i see him such sad...drinking alcohol...smoking..and cried all night...Maybe he don't realise what he said,coz of the effect of the alcoholic drink.But,i heard every sentence,every word he said.This is the first time his words makes me cry...tears droping...i don't even realise...but,I just stay at my bedroom,din brave to go out and see how is him...Coz i know,he will be more sad if he see me and my sister...and i don't want to see his sad face which probably will spoilt the little good images of a father in my heart...I din brave,i din brave to step out from my room...

I know,he loves us and don't want to leave us...But,i don't like the way he blaming my mum...why don't he just think of why?why everyone hates him and quarrel with him?instead of blaming everything to my mum..At that moment,i just want to go out from my room,and say out everything that keep in my heart all the time...But,i know my words sure will hurt him deeply and makes him more sad...his crying sound..makes me give up to do so...

The whole night,making all of my family suffered...I don't know how is my mum...but,i know she is more tough,maybe can say tougher than my father...But,last night...i still see and feel she sure got cried while seing my father being like that...This is really the first time i saw my dad such sad...as he never cried before...all of this making me,my sister and mum mostly din sleep for the whole night....but,tears just accompany me for the whole night...

I know,this time is the most serious time...and we must be prepared that he might leaves us and go somewhere else...my mum seems very tough,she never cried...i wonder is she really haves no feeling towards my father?coz quarrel always happen...or she pretend and keep everything in her heart?i so wish to ask her,but i don't brave to do so...i scared to see my mum cry...i know,if she cry,my heart will be very pain...i love my mum than my father,i know...is it i am too bad?as i know my father very care for us...but just his behaviour making us feel tired...but there is one possibility...maybe he is too loves us,whenever such a small thing,he might feel very very hurt and angry...I know this..coz i have been behave like this before...

Sigh...what will happen finally happen...i wonder my father will just leaves us like this?or will be back...and behave nothing happen just like before again...but finally end up quarrel with my mum again?I am so bad think that sometime i really wish divorce happen,and all of us will not suffered already...Tonight,what will happen again?sigh...unknown...i just know my mood now absolutely down to the hell....heart pain like ...don't know how to explain...and describe...but don't worry,i am still fine...
All of this making me more and more don't believe the word..'Love'....relationship between human is such weak...and can be broken anytime...and hurts us finally....

Dreams

2008-11-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

Dreams?
what is it actually?
why someone will appear in our dreams?
even someone you don't know also might appear in our dreams...
why?
All of this seems noone can explain about that...
For me,Hui San'theory..haha^^
i think we dream of someone is just because...
we too miss them...
too cares about them...
too love them...
too appreciate them...
For someone unknown who appear in our dreams..
maybe is just because he or she will appear in your life in the future...
soon...
Last night...
I dream of you...
such a sweeet dream that i will not forget...
your sweet smiles...
our sweet friendship...
make me smile even in my dreams...
wah...how good is it?if this dream really happen...
i hope so much we always can spend time together just like before...
went library together...
'watch' you eat in the canteen...
your words always brighten my life...
make my life not so dull...
such a wonderful best friend...
you always is the first one in my heart...
although i know i might not be the first one in your heart...
but i don't mind...
coz your cares for me cover all of this...
when i am totally depressed and sad,
you always is the one giving me the most perfect advice..
i always remember..
never and ever will forget it...
i meet you...
i don't really shy anymore..
my heart beat faster like usual..
so happy and so excited ...
but,after we meet...
my heart feel pain...
coz we din behave as best friend like before...
but i never blame for anything...
i know..
such a special friendship...
me and you...
always need a enough place and time..
to make us close like before..
the shy situation always exist between us...
so weird...
so special...
that makes me more appreciate this friendship than others...
i miss you....
very very miss...
Another dream...
such a very very funny dream...
until i laugh unstop in my dream..(so ugly=.=')..
i watch you two dance and sing in the dream...
dance very very funny...^^
I dream of...
we can happy chatting together just like before...
just like at the school..
crazy together...
and of course our kl trip...
which will stick in our heart forever...
haihz..such a big sigh...
Dreams..
always make me more miss...
make my mood sink to the bottom...
make my mind just can play all of this sweet memories...
just can think of my dear best friends....
i always hope...
time can return...
let me undergoes all of this sweet memories again...
as i really miss it....

To my friends...

2008-10-30T07:08:00.001-07:00

Standing infront of library which is full of my sweet memories,
Standing infront of the previous classes which is full of laughter,
standing infront of the canteen which is the place where we always meet,
My heart feel sweet and sour..and even pain...
Sweet,because all of this really my sweet,happy memories,sweet deep in my heart..
Sour,because the places are still exist...
but, friends that involve in all of this sweet memories are all leave...
Sad,because I really miss them...but,all of this sweet memories will always stay alive in my heart..never,never disappear...curved in my heart...
My heart never change till now...although i really want it to be changed....
I might change in the future start from now...
But,I still will care best friends that really worth for me to care...
But,I really don't know i can be changed or not...
Wish to change,because the definition of love have changed...
Love??Friendship??
Distance and time really is a factor to change a wonderful Love and friendship?
No matter is distance between two people's heart or between places,
For me,it really able to change Love and friendship...
Time,..able to let Love and friendship fades...
I feel the distance between us becomes more far and far...I no longer really know you...mentally...what is in ur heart...
I care about you,but maybe coz of too cares,i hurted you...
and myself being hurted too...I am very tired...although i care aboutyou...
What should i do?
maybe nothing,I am too tired to do anything...
I scared i will being hurted again....
Our sweet memories,I will never forget...
Still stay alive in my heart...making my heart feel pain and sweet...
I choosed to let it go...but,I doubt is it really works for us...
Unknown...
maybe time can be the best thing to proove all of this...
I just know until this moment,this second,i still care aboutyou...
My friend...
For my friend who do not meet for few years,
I am sorry to say...
i think time and distance will be a factor to let our friendship fades...
Honestly,i don't really care you like before,
i am sorry...
As i know you still very care about me like before...
But,i promise...
i will try my best to care you just like before...
and maintain our friendship till forever...
I promise...
For my friends that always support me...
Time and distance really not a factor for this case....
Maybe before this,i thought i miss you less than before..
and I not really care about you like before...
But,I am truly wrong...
whenever meet you again and hear again ur sweet voice,
you still the best friend who able touched my heart...
make my heart beat faster than usual...
your advices,your supports,your sweet voices have touched my heart....
curved in my heart,
become the best motivation for me to continue my journey...
no matter how hard my journey is...
I appreciate that...and will always appreciate our friendship...
you always is the one willing to share my difficulties,problems,sadness..and even happiness...
Thanks...
Even thousand of thanks also can't express how much i appreciate your help...
Your cares for me..I will always remember...
No matter how shy we are infront of others,
i know...in our heart,we still treat each other as best friend...
forever...
friendship forever....
Going to meet you,my heart beat faster...
don't know why...Maybe i scared we will shy like before...
But i still willing to face it...
coz i willing to do anything...
just to maintain this sweet and wonderful best friend like you..
and our wonderful friendship...
I wish we can talk as much like usual...
and really behave like best friend...
even can't,i also will not blame for anything...
coz i know,you also don't know why we will like this...
but,i don't care...I just want to see you...
as i really very miss you..
my dear friend...
waiting you all to come back,
that is the only hope for me recently...
I really wish we can talk happily like before...
you all really always able to cheer me up...
share my problems..
i appreciate our friendship..
believes me,
you all will always my best friend..
deep in my heart..
i miss you all...
my friends...
waiting you all to come back...
I love you all,friends...
stay happy always...
remember that i will always cares for you all,support you all,
try my best to do anything for you all...
my best friends..

I need to change...

2008-10-25T00:02:00.000-07:00
After so long din update my blog,my feelings become very complex...Happy?sad?worry?touched?All just accumulate in my heart,until i don't even know want to use any words to describe it...A lot of things happen to me...Let me describe it one by one,or else i really don't know how to start this blog..

BAKAT CHUNG HWA
This word really make me feel tired...Whenever people say about this word,my feeling will become very complex...HAPPY coz i can really show a different huisan on this day,someone can't even believe the one sing at the stage really is huisan...Does this means that the ordinary huisan and the huisan who is singing at the stage have too much difference??I admit that,for me...I also think so...At the stage,I can find my confidence which i don't even have in other aspect...That is one of the reasons that i like to sing...Sing can express my feeling very well...Most of the time i sing sad songs,this is because i really is a pessimistic person..

TIRED coz everytime i will cause of this event and can busy until i don't even have time to think any other things else..And at that moment,in my brain all just will full of lyrics,full of melodies...My feeling at that time is really very excited,until i can't even concentrate into any other things already...

SAD coz i still coz of sing and singand sing until i really forget other things include study...So,that's why i said my feelings are such complex...Ok,let us talk about bakat chung hwa instead of keep on describing my feelings..Most happy things is my group succeed to get champion again...But this time is totally different..Another new group with me,this group have xiaw sher,that is one of my best friends,who is extremely like to sing,good in singing malay songs..another one is Desmond,my class's monitor and quite famous in chung hwa as he very good in communicating,can friend with anyone...and finally another new guy called chun way who always show his cute face infront of everyone but actually i don't think he is really happy sometime and quite good in singing...My group's members all really work hard for this competition and i really appreciate that...That's why our hard works get pays!!Hmm,any comments about our performance?for our singing and what should we do while at the stage,we really plan hard and practice...Instead of work hard,we also spend hard..=.='guess what?for our cloths,we have spend almost rm 320!!!I can say that,before this,for my any performance,i never spend so much...

Besides that,I also FORCED to perform solo songs...And the teacher last minutes just ask me to sing...=.='.Not only that,he also choose a 'very special' song for me,that is the oldest song that i ever sing...I can say that i really try hard to sing as this song is really really very slow...So,that's why i choose to sing without music...How you all think of my singing??I do not feel good while singing this song lor,as i really don't have any confidence while singing this song as i really never tried to sing such old song..

No matter how,when all of this come to an end,what a relief!!!I do not feel tired for singing,just I feel tired..coz I can't spend time to practice,coz of ultimate reason,i can't practice songs while at home...So,I just can practice at school,so this makes me really indeed crazy ..busy and very tired...But,if give me enough time,I really like such life,that is singing life~that is one of the reasons that i think my ambition is to be a singer...but i don't think this dream can achieved.I will not feel tired if give me such singing life,as i really very very like to sing...But,maybe all of this just always can be my dream,i can never achieve it...

QUARREL HAPPEN IN MY FAMILY
I think,i will not describe the quarrel that happens in my family,coz i think this is not good to say out everything about my family in blog...So,I just can express my feeling right here...I really don't understand,if we choose to love someone,then why can't we tolerate with our love one?For me,once i love or care someone,I really can sacrifice everything just for them,include time,energy..and of course myself,just can do whatever to make them happy,will feel extremely bad when i see them sad...is it what i did is wrong?Love not suppose to be like this?Love can be affected by any other reasons,can fade coz of no reasons??If it is really like this,then why we should sacrifice ourselves and even any other things for our loves one,and what for we doing all of this if Love can never last forever?If Love can so easily being affected and can't even last forever,what for human still keep on compete until die for their loves one or cares one??haihz,i really don't understand...what can i say just,all of this really make me feel very tired about human relationship,no energy to care all of this already,no matter is family,friendship or even think about those couple relationship,I just feel really tired...

MY BIRTHDAY
What word should i use to describe my feeling on this day??First of all,I am very touched for my all best friends that really wait until exactly 12a.m 20/10/2008 just to send a birthday message for me..Thanks ya,chuey sien,ling fei,meiyee,yiewan,maria,Jessilyn shi hui,meijiun,wooi mee,iznin,yi hao,xiaw sher,caryn...Thanks ya,i really remember whoever send message for me,coz i know this is 'true wishes' that really meant to me...

Besides that,thanks ya for this two best friends,Xiaw sher and caryn^^ who spend their days just to make a special beautiful cards for me and do a special chocolate cake for me..Although when receiving the presents,I just can say thanks you...but,you all don't even know how much it means to me...I really feel very touched..Thanks..I really appreciate that...Just i don't know how to express how touched i am..hahaha..i am shy mar...=.='hahaha..THANKS^^

Hmm,besides that i also get a free call from hotlink,Thanks you hotlink^^I really feel very happy for this service,coz i can have chance to call my special best friends^^As i really very long dun even have chance to talk to them..

First one,MEI YEE^^UNBELIEVABLE!!We talk for 2 hours!!!I really very long din hear her sweet voice...we really share everything happily...I really express everything in my heart to her,include my sadness and happiness...I can feel she really tried her best to give her advice...and her words really wake me up!!!She also share her stories at her college there with me..meiyee,don't worry ya,I always believe that you can...I always support you fully in my heart...no matter what difficulties that you faced,i will try my best to share with you...I really appreciate what you did to me...that is what i called true friend...When i am sad,you always is the one sharing all of this with me...I really don't even know what should i say to you...of course when i am happy,i always will share with her...how much i appreciate this best friend...After talking with you,i just realise how much i miss you...But,I believe our friendship will last forever...I promise,I will not let anything that break our friendship...friendship forever^^meiyee,Thanks...although this word i really so many times to you,but i think even i say for thousands of time,there is still not enough...coz you really help me a lot...what you said,i will remember it...curved in my heart...

second one..YIEWAN AND CHUEY SIEN^^
this two voice shout 2gether hor,really will make my ear pekak already...haha...I really very long din so happy already...^^you two really cheer me up whenever i am sad..and share my sadness when i am sad..I really appreciate that...

YIEWAN~
don't be so manja already lar..haiyo..18th years old already eh!!!haha...But,everytime i ask you don't be manja,but actually i really like your manja face..hahaha..and i really miss your manja face very much^^still remember our K.l trip??when we sleep together,i still remember your cute face hor^^hahahaha...and of course when we play at sunway and genting,your cute shout,i will always remember^^don't think that i will forget oo^^!!!!and yie wan,don't give up ya,I know you can de.I believe you can settle those physic questions!!!I will always support you ya..Thanks ya,sometime when i am extremely down,but after i hear your manja voice,and your cute jokes,you really able to cheer me up^^and i really miss the moment you call me 'siao po',hahaha...Very long already i din hear this name,call me le when you are back^^I miss it..siao po!!!gambateh ya for your exam,waiting you come back,this time we sure will meet ya^^or else i will mecok you,hmph!!!!haha..

CHUEY SIEN~
don't be so stress la ya,haiyo..Sometime you really can de,but you really think too much already..I always believe you really can de.Chuey sien,thanks for trusting me,and let me share your sadness when you really sad.Honestly,I really willing to share every of your sadness...I am very happy that you trust me and willing to let me share your troubles,and sadness...So,never feel sorrow when u want to share with me your sadness ya,i always welcome^^chuey sien,never doubt that you are one of my best friends la..haha,sometime when i said you are my best friend,you like shock or anything...Sometime try to have confident to yourself..k?the difficulties that you face will make you stronger and more tough^^maybe you will feel you are bad luck right now,but maybe you will feel how lucky you are in the future,k??haha,gambateh ya^^i always always always support you too^^No matter what obstacle you have infront of you,let me cross all of this together with you,k??Gambateh together~!!!Don't ever give up ya^^

waiting to see you two^^I really very miss the moment we can talk together happily in the class.Yiewan,i miss your jokesT.T..haha,now without your jokes,sometime really noone can cheer me up le..pity meT.T...chuey sien,when i have sadness,i also thinking of you le,as sometimes we really have some similarities...miss you two so much^^know what?that day when i call u two and talking with you two,i really feel very happy,it is just like we back to the moment that we talk happily and crazy at class...Haihz,damn miss that time...gambateh to you two ya,I will always always support you too^^

MUET SPEAKING TEST
wah,such a scary day for me..But,after this test come to the end,suddenly i feel it is quite interesting for me..haha..It is a great experience for me...Honestly i am happy for having such group with me,coz all members of my group are quite cooperate..Thanks god^^At first,when i know I will be the first one of the first group,I really feel i am having bad luck..But,after thinking of your support and your advice,suddenly I become very calm...and able to speak quite smoothly during the exam...Thanks ya,friend...such a wonderful best friend for me...

Test
Haihz,this time exam result really cham,but I think all of this just can blame myself who really don't even work hard for it...And coz of your words,I promise..I really promise i will not being affected by any other things or person,but only will concentrate into my study..Whenever i feel like want to give up,I sure think of your words...which really wake me up....We gambateh together ya,that is what i promise...

CONCLUSION
And all of this event..and coz of someone and even some words which really hurts me...I really will change...change into a person that I will not too cares of any other friends who i think they don't even cares of me...Coz no point that sacrifice for someone that do not appreciate you,right?what you did just meaningless...All of this happen around me,really affected me a lot...And I really don't think Love can last forever...If someone really change their heart...And i admit,if a distance between two friends is too far,their friendship will not last long..no matter the distance that i mean is distance between places...or even distance between two best friend's heart...So,what can do?Just nothing..For now,I just will cares anyone that i can feel they really cares for me,appreciate me...Then,i will eventually appreciate them and cares like how they treat me...I will sacrifice my time,my energy,and even myself ..for the ones that cares me and i also cares for them...

人生真的如此神奇？？

2008-08-27T04:57:00.000-07:00
这是我第一次用华文写部落格，似乎有点不习惯。。。。因为太久没有用华文的关系，如果我的华文太烂，请多多体谅。

打从我听到关于‘时空’这两个字，我就不断地想。。。时空？真的存在吗？当我们在做某些事时，发现那些情景都很熟悉，发现我们仿佛不知何时曾经做过同样的东西时，是因为另外一个的我们在别的时空做过同样一件事吗？如果时空真的存在，那有人说过，如果两个时空撞在一起，时间可以倒流，这是真的吗？这些问题到现在还是一个没人解到的谜吧。。。但我的好奇心真的越来越强，真的很想知道。我想，如果时间真的可以倒流，人类就不会学习珍惜时间了。但是，如果时间真的可以倒流，也可以使我们改变历史，让我们挽救一些我们做错或错过的东西。。。所以说，做人有时就是如此的矛盾。。。。有时真的会失去分辨错对的能力。。。。

尤其是关于感情问题。以前，当我听别人说，爱情会使一个人变得失去理性，甚至仿佛盲了一样。。。。我会有些无法相信的感觉。但是，不知从何时开始，我开始相信了。我真的可以了解到爱情的魔力。当然，所谓的‘爱情’并不是只是指男女之间的。‘爱情’也可以分为友情，亲情，和男女私情的。就拿我来做一个最好版本吧，不知该说我自己笨蛋，感情丰富呢，还是悲观？常常会为亲情和友情烦得。。脸苦得比苦瓜还苦，眼泪总会在我一个人在房间，在加上一些情歌，慢慢地从我那双小眼睛流了下来。。。。有时真的希望自己会是一个铁石心肠的人，绝不会再因为这些事而伤心了，只会为了自己而奋斗，因为有时真的。。。真的很累。。。。

朋友？好朋友？为何你会认识现在的好友呢？别告诉我，你们认识的故事。。。因为，我的意思不是你们怎么认识。。而是，为何？到底是谁在安排这一切的一切？？上帝？真的存在吗？那，家人也是上帝安排的吗？这些都是很奇怪的问题，但我却很想知道。。。有人说，好友是上天忘了给我们的兄弟姐妹？这是真的吗？

一个人的一切，真的是由我们自己掌控呢？还是一早已经是被注定了？如果说，我们可以掌控自己的前途。那，为何每个人家庭背景都不同呢？有些人出生于富豪的家庭，要风得风，要雨得雨，甚至要出国深造也不成问题，无需为金钱而烦恼，也无需顾虑自己的成绩好不好。。。一生人就是无忧无愁，大富大贵地过。。。但有些人呢？却出生在贫困的家庭，要买某些东西，都必须三思而后行，要拼命地读书，以便争取奖学金。。。如果争取不到呢？那他们的前途也就没救了，必须低声下气地向人打工，受尽委屈。也有些人，一出生就是残废的。。。对，也许像别人常说的。残废人士也可以像平常人一样开开心心地生活。他们也是有用的。但，又有谁知道，他们所承受过的苦呢？？被众人欺负，鄙视，甚至嘲笑。。。。痛苦得无法用文字来形容。。。。每天只可以用眼泪来洗脸。。。人类真的是平等的吗？

如果是的话，那这些种种的问题就不会出现在人世间了。。。。难道真的是因为像佛法所说的，这都是因为我们的前世所造成的因果报应？？但是即使是如此，也不见得公平啊。。。因为那是我们的前世嘛，我们根本就不知道我们前世做了些什么。而且，都会说了嘛，那时我们的前世，那为何要让我们在今世受罪呢？？这叫公平吗？？？前世的我们跟今世的我们根本就是两回事，根本就是不同个性的人。。。。真是不明白。。。但，如果要用科学来解释，就真的无法解释了。。。

最后，人与人之间除了一段距离以外，还有其他东西的存在吗？相信，这也是个没人知道的问题。有人说，人与人之间可能还存在很多东西。。。例如，灵魂？一个时空？我们都不知道。。那，宇宙到底有多大呢？和宇宙相比，地球都算小了，那人类不就更渺小吗？那，人与人之间有何苦吵吵闹闹，争风吃醋，自相残杀呢？因为，这根本就是没有意义的事，即使在地球外的外星人也听不到，最多只是瞄地球一眼嘛。。。人类就是如此的渺小，很多事情都不知道。

人生真的如此的神奇吗？很多事情我们身为人类的，都不知道。。。。真的很多。。。。人到底是谁创造的？这世界又是何时才存在的？时空真的存在吗？同样一个的我们存在另外一个世界？还是时空呢？种种问题，我们似乎都一无所知。。。

What must be done in this holiday??!!=.='

2008-08-19T04:24:00.000-07:00
HAIZ~one week holiday,sweat..=.='but a lot homework,practical,exams are waiting me..I really will become crazy...I hope for one month holiday actually,haha..so that i can do what i want(sleep,eat,watch olympic,play sms,....swt..=.=')and of course spend more time with my dear friends who all come back to Kota Bharu..^^Hmm,i think tomorrow i am going to meet them,yeah!!!damn miss you all,without realise,you all play such so important role in my bottom heart...T.T..

Few months din see you,and less sms with you already,I thought i can fully declared that i din miss you a lot like before already.But,after chatting with you yesterday,I realise i am just like cheating myself.I still very miss you,and treat you as my most bestie than anyone around me.Coz you are the one who always share my happiness and sadness..always support no matter what had happen.After chatting with you,i always feel like very comfortable...really..Maybe you feel that you din help me anything,but i can tell you that you had help me a lot.Imagining how you had become now...I think i din have chance to meet you this time although you now at k.b already.HAIZ...coz i din close with your friends,and you din close with my friends,just left we two...I scared that i will make you feel bored and i really just want a sweet memory with you.I want to see my this dear friend smile along when you are with me...Everytime you treat me such good,my heart feel like a bit ..how to say..hmm,like after you had eat lemon or something which is sour...until your heart will feels sour too.This is because i have hurt you before.Before this,duno why,i had decide to give up this friendship before..But,i can promise you,start from now,this moment,this second,my stupid mind will not think such stupid thing again.I promise...You will be my bestie forever...and ever...I really miss you,wish have such a chance that i can meet you for few seconds,really..few seconds also never mind...O_0''

HOLIDAY,such a big word that can make all people feel a relief and feel very happy..but,what can be done in one week..=.='do few exercises of MM1,and din touch any notes of biology,and din touch any of chemistry notes...???!!!=.='Haiz,hope school will give us few weeks holiday for form 6 students.As one week really very insufficient for us to complete our hill,and tones of homework,tones of exams waiting us,scary practical and experiment which really very blur waiting us too,which make me breathless..zzz~But,hope and hope..also useless,as this is unchangeable..one week is really one week..What can i do just try to appreciate every second and every minutes that i have for now..(writting blog now..=.=')

Hmm,so I must write down what i must complete in this holiday(left four days..swt..=.=')keep on reminding myself..!!!!

1.revision my Biology(DNA!!!DNA!!!what is that??!!) coz next week will have Biology exam AGAIN..(after every chapter of Biology,teacher always give us exam)..

2.revision my MM2(blurrr subject...super blurr subject,i must get it clear!!!!)next week exam also...=.='

3.Make myself clear that what must prepared and know about the experiment that will be carrying on next week also..=.='scary~coz it is do by individually...=.='

4.if possible,must finish my MM1 exercises...Review chapter which contains 27 super tough questions,but now i just complete..4 questions..=.='

5.my p.a homeworks at school all like half-finished or din touch at all..swt..=.='zzz...

6.if possible,want to try to do Mr.Yam homework for ONCE...(as i never do his homework before..swt..=.=')sorryT.T..Mr.yam..zzz~

I think that's all,if i remember that which i forget to write in this blog,i will add in later on...HAIZ,hope i can finish all of this stuffs...pray hard..swt..=.='...

Let it be,that is the words that i learn for this week,like what you said,i have done my part and what i need to do,so what i can and need to do now is...'let it be...'I will appreciate what i have now,and i will remember your words,never do things that i wil regret already..Thanks for give me such lots advices ya^^i will remember instead of remember my Biology things..(swt..=.=')..hahahaha^^I will appreciate every friendship I have now...and especially you..^^Maybe something that had past,i should not think back again and again,just let it be...then i might can be a happy huisan^^I will come back become a happy huisan after this holiday,i promise^^..and be a hardoworking huisan..swt..=.='(if possible)..throw every of my sadness into the sea!!!!and ignore anyone that hurt me!!~~~cheer up^^The thing that i need to do now just do well in exam and go into local university!!!!that's all^^

Friends!!Tomorrow i will take a lot photo with you all,hope it will be our sweet memories...I love you all!!!!and will miss you all !!!^^always be my bestie till the end of my life..T.T...

-Holiday- = no holiday=.='

2008-08-14T07:02:00.000-07:00
I am sorry to say that,long time i din update this blog already.Form six life?one word:-aiks-...homework like hill,exams every week atleast once,practical a lot which always make me like crazy people,start to feel stress...And plus,recently i have encounter many sad things,which make me extremely in a down mood.Happy huisan have gone!!can u find her now??she have lost her direction,duno how to go back the 'happy'road.

Every day,i don't feel like i want to go to school.haiz..coz after all my best friends have went other places,i feel the school is no longer a place that can give me a warm feeling..but in contrast,become a strange place for me ...I very very miss the time we can be together and play like a fool,chit and chat at the school,laugh until my tears out from my eyes...very miss...but now,i just like a huisan that always pretend to be happy infront of all my friends,noone can actually cheer me up,make me happy again although i am very sad at the moment..I think until now,just one or two of my precious best friend able to do this...But they both went to other places to study already.I very miss you all..T.T,until don't even know what words should i put to describe my feeling now...

Now holiday finally comes,but i din feel i am happy or what.Just feel like same like no holiday.This is because homework still like hill,exams still coming soon,practical also coming soon,make me breathless..Now,i just hope i can meet you all earlier,and i know..you all able to cheer me up no matter how sad i am...yeah,you always able to cheer me up...So,now i really very need you all...very very need...

Friendship??Haiz,sometime i din hope for any special friendship already.I just hope my friendship will not be such complex until i duno how to solve...make me really very sad...heart break until i duno how to describe the sad feeling that i had...can't even sleep...When i just close my eyes,i will thinking of something else already.Breathless...Tired,but i still want to continue.This is just because i know,i can't give up already as i tried before.Losing of friendship will make my life like less something very precious,very precious..Now,i just realise how important it is in my heart which i don't even realise before this.Regret?ya,i really regret..for saying the words which i always din mean that.I admit that i always do or say something that i really din mean that,why???!!!i myself also don't know what for i m doing all such kind of things??what can i say now??-speechless-Everytime i close my eyes,memories start to play in my mind,no matter is sad or happy..all attacking my mind and my heart..and also keep on 'asking' my tears to come out from my eyes...I still can't change myself to become as tough as possible..I just know, want me become happy??just have two ways.The first option,meet you all earlier,and chat with you all day and night...The second option,if i able to do something and save my friendship which i don't even want to give up...coz it had been my precious and invaluable friendship in my bottom heart since long time ago...

'I really miss the time that we can happy together,play like a fool..
I really miss you,although i can see you...
I am sorry to say such terrible words to you,but i don't really mean it..
I can see your tears in your eyes,but i don't really mean to let it flow from your eyes...I wish i will not let you sad...
if time can return,i will choose our friendship...
I appreciate you so much but just i don't really show it out infront of you...
I will not force this friendship become as good as before,but i will wait until it become as good as before,and i will try hard to make it become true...I hope you too...Hope that we will not give up it so easy,.
I appreciate you more than you thought...you are important and precious best friend in my heart...all of this is true.And all of this is really what i think from the first day i treat you as best friend till now,never change...'

Friendship is still my most precious thing in my life,i can't even change ...until the end of my life....This is huisan...

Waiting the time i can meet you all.Coz you all are my medicine...and my most precious friends..I just realise after long time din see you all,start to miss you all in my bottom heart...Human is always such weird,when things lost from our hand,we just know and start to learn how to grab it back and try to appreciate it...But,sometime it is too late...we can't even grab it back already..coz it already gone away until we can't even see it or it already belongs to others....So,friends..appreciate what you have now..don't try to give up anything that you might regret after that....

sad?

2008-07-09T04:58:00.000-07:00
I am going to ask a weird question.what is sad?I think the definition of sad might be different for every people.But,for me,sad?is like a 'motivation' to let our tears drop from our eyes.(=.='),which make our heart damn suffered,until no medicine can really cure it.Somebody and scientist said that chocolates can make ones become happy and decrease our stress.How come i do not think so?No matter how much chocolates that i ate,the sadness is still there in my heart...Noone can take it away,noone can make it disappear from my heart,noone can really turns it into a sweet feeling,even me myself.No matter how i try my best to cheer up myself,but it is some kind like useless.Maybe when my friends are around me,my heartache will not be so serious.But once i am alone,my 'weird mind' start to think of nonsense,and the sadness which is no cure come to colonize me again....

The rainy days always make such emotional person like me have so much feeling.Sad and happy comes together to me.Happy?This is because rainy days give me a calm feeling,a great way to relax my myself.My hope is always let myself being wet by those beautiful drops of rains.Let me stand in the middle of some place,and let all rains come towards me.Ya,i think this feeling is great.I hope i have such chance to try it out.Not only that,if rains+ music,this is a wonderful pairs for me...Sometime,in certain condition or situation,i would like to feel sad and express all in out in a songs..This is because i thinks that if a songs without an real feeling,this song is no more a complete and wonderful song.But,of course i do not like the sad feeling all the time...I can say that i only like to be sad when i am singing...

Happy?Long time i din have such feeling already...I think is because friends that able to cheer me up already din by my side,sometime i really miss her laugh and cute voices and her jokes which able to cheer me up no matter how sad i am.She really have such ability to make anyone cheer up...i miss her...What i have just now?i hope i really can happy back.But i know...Since from that 'darkness day',i never smile or laugh which really comes from my bottom heart...The only cure just STPM...If i still can't do well,i think friends...i will never can stands up again,is not that i am not willing to stand up;but is i can't even forgive myself...Just like now,although can stands up again and try my best to do every exam again...But,the real smiles will not really appear in my face...since that day till now,NO...

Every day,wake up from my bed,looking at the beautiful blue sky..fresh air that make me relax a while...cute birds that can 'sing' with their sweet voices.Such beautiful environment or condition still unable to let myself get rid from my sadness which already being curved in my heart..noone can actually rub it out from my heart.Sometime i really wish i can change a new heart,so that i will not suffered heartache anymore...Heartache is more suffered than any diseases in this world...I just can't describe how pain is it....At this moment,you can't even concentrate to do anything,your tears just will keep on dropping and even dropping in your heart,until you feel you are really breathless.The most sad is,sometime i don't really let my tears drop from my eyes,coz i don't want let anyone see it.The only one see huisan cry just me myself...So,after sometime, when i am sad,my tears are just like already 'blame' or 'angry' me.'They' don't even want to out from my eyes although at that time i want express everything out and turns it into tears...The most suffered things is not when you are crying,but is when you are sad,till you can't even cry...That is what i felt before...Noone can understand it...even families or even my closest friends...

Here are some live songs from the most best,perfect,wonderful and marvellous group-Dong bang Shin Ki which always melt my heart,and make my tears that angry me finally drops from my eyes...hope this songs will touched you all to...try to listen using ur heart,instead of just watch and listen....

LOVE IN THE ICE...WONDERFUL,TOUCHED,PERFECT SONG FROM DONG BANG SHIN KI...WHICH MELT MY HEART EVERYTIME I HEAR IT...

ASU WA KURU KARA...Touched song...They sing with their true feeling.. TRUE FEELING...JUNSU CRYING WHEN SINGING IT..and let my tears drops too....

HEY!GIRL...Most Wonderful Combination Of DONG BANG SHIN KI'S BEAUTIFUL VOICES...

Down....'haiz...'

2008-07-03T04:20:00.000-07:00
Long time din update this blog already...I am sorry to say that,this blog will be a sad blog again...This week,too many things happen on me,until i can't even breath...maybe friends even around and close with me do not sense that whether any changes had happened on me,just maybe sense that i am not in good mood.This is because i just keep inside my heart and din burst or express out to anyone yet even my close friends.As i know i will and for sure i will say until cry...I always want myself to be happy and can bring happiness to everyone...but...y i can't???How to cheer up myself??I hate myself to be like this....*help...haiz...

First of all,i sad coz of my family problems...but i am not going to mention in this blog,as it is not good to say family problems in this blog...so what i can say...just maybe ''house' is just a place for me to sleep,eat and watch TV...someone told me,a house not same with home...home is full of warm feeling,you can feel your family are concern about you...but house is just a place for u to rest,eat..all that..i guess my house is just house....full of quarrel and cry voice only,no happy and laugh....'what i can say just this...

Second,I am sorry to say that...friends,i still can't out from SPM this words...i thought i will be ok already even though anyone ask me about that...but actually i am not...once anyone ask me about that,what can i do just hide and avoid myself from that topic...but sometime i asked myself,did i have to hide myself from that question forever???!!this is really the only way for me???!!!my respond is just 'haiz...'...just like what i said before,my wound in my heart will never recover...this is true,noone can cure and rescue me from this darkness even myself...

Third,this saturday after my muet tuition,i start to become depressed...teacher talks about when choosing our career,we have to consider what factors...1.parent's expectation 2.interest 3.career prospect..and another one i forget already...it is about speaking skill...Among this three factors,i know i already choosed parent's expectation...and i am totally depressed as i can't choose my interest when i want to choose my career...I think you all know my ambition already.When i see those artist having their concert,i really very envy...i wish will be one of them...No need to say until concert,even a small singer is enough for me already.I really very enjoy to sing and expecially in front of audience...I really enjoy in the process of singing..but all of this just a dream,i know...And i realise i din have enough criteria for a singer...short word--being a singer just a dream for huisan...although know is a dream,but i do really hope one day i can achieve it...'haiz'...again...sometime i ask myself again...y??y i like to sing??y???!!y everyone ambition just like engineer,doctor,nurse...can include in a catogory ordinary ambition...but..me??haiz....choose a dream ambition...every day just day dreaming about that...

Fourth,my terrible result of one of my bio exam...short word again--haiz...i hope i will do better in next week exam...if not,i can't imagine how i will be already..my heart is not enough to receive any sadness again...pls...don't....if not,i can say...huisan will fall down forever,and never stand up again...just let her continue to sink in the depth darkness....noone can rescue her..noone...

Fifth,i think i am quite disappointed to myself,coz din being choosen as a prefect...what can i do,just see other people to wear the blur shirt and white skirt....haiz...i know my weakness...i duno how to talk or can say communicate especially in a nervous condition(interview)...but i just duno how to change this weakness....as my concept is always action more than talk...I will do more than say about nonsense....that is huisan..As an example,i will not say i care for ones,but just will say after he or she did see i do really care for her or him....that is me...so when want me say what i will do if i be a prefect...i will not answer well..coz what i think is,give me chance,i will be a good one for you...but if want me to say,i really duno how to say...'haiz' again...

Lastly,i miss my friends so much....haiz...hope can meet them soon...whenever i have sadness,i always think of you all...coz now less and less ppl can share my sadness...can say i duno want express to who....sad to say that,i din actually trust anyone for now...all best friends that i trusted went to study d...i miss you all from my bottom heart..T.T...now feel like want to cry already.....

i think my all sadness are shown at above ....all of this make me really very very down....duno how to say...heartache comes again...haiz....someone please help me to get out of this...i can't help myself already....

Hmm...How should i say about this performance ni?

2008-06-21T04:31:00.000-07:00
My second singing performance AGAIN for this year,i think some of you all who read my resolutions before this in my blog are going to beat me already.Come bah,i admit i break it already.haha...As i promise not to sing and not too fond of music,but i am sorry,i really unable to do it...Haiz,maybe music is really my soul.My life will become colourless without music.That is real.So,i think i going to change my resolutions into~once it really affect my study,i just will not sing again.haha..like this is ok already bah?I think i will make myself to arrange my time properly,sing and study must have equal time...

K..I think some of you all want to know my singing performance and also want to know how i think this performance...I am sorry to say that,this is the first time my group being 'boo'...But,not coz of our singing is worse or what..Just coz of the 'good' p.a system..So,i guess the audience not really 'boo' my group lor.right?The first time when we sing,we actually really can't hear what ourselves are singing,So,we start to angry already.How come we can't hear ourselves singing??!!!So,we decide to stopHence,this causes the audience 'boo' us...But,i know they not really 'boo' us la...Then,we sing for the second time lor...Hmm,this time really can hear what am i singing already.And i think i succeed to sing my most high notes in that song..'deraian cinta yang suci...'..haha...right?my dear group,did i make you all shame??i hope i really did the great job already...dear hsieh yie sha poh,don't nervous la,and don't close your eyes when you sing^^haha...dear xiao sher,your voice really amazing and good,so don't worry so much la^^..you all really did a great job...but,of course,there is something we still have to improve,me and my group decide to cabar this song again when malam koku!!!!i do hope we can improve our singing on that coming malam koku!!!!I have confident to my group~~we sure can,right??haha^^

Dear hsieh yie sha poh,thanks for your first rou ma words which the first time comes from YOUR MOUTH!!haha...i appreciate that,and what you say really what i think in my heart^^I am soo touched oo,until no words can actually come out from my mouth that moment...so we will not scared already,right?i will always remember~~haha...Thanks ya,your warm hand make me and xiao sher hand damn warm...make us not too scared already~~and thanks for your very comfortable shoulder,make me feel comfortable to sleep...haha^^always de hor,this sleepy girl always want your comfortable shoulder...haha^^thanks for lend me your shoulder..i always appreciate that~~So,may i continue to borrow your shoulder??hahaha..waiting ur answer ya^^kakakaka~~ oh ya,dear group members,haha..it is quite funny that we each also have our own 'style'...haha..i think you all know my style...it is quite ugly..=.='which let my dear teacher to laugh at me...zzzz...i hope i can stop doing that......kaka~my group members style:hand always up and leg???always open ..to balance her voice..swt...=.='first time i heard that...then,hmm...the other one is like too kind to sing...haha..and her funny malay language...and cute voice..kaka~blek..i think you two know what i am talking about...haha..

This make me feel that,the words which comes from our mouth actually more meaningful than what we wrote in letter or whatever....really.Coz some words which really comes from our bottom heart,it is too hard for us to say out....But once say out,it really enough melt a person's heart...and the person will always remember.But,haha...i such kind of shy people,i think it is impossible for me to say out anything that i think in my heart and what sometime i wrote some word which is rou ma to the person i care...haha....But,i will try..if i really can...coz i really wish to let them know i really care for them although most of time i really quite weird...i do really care them,but i try to ignore them pulak..haiz,hui san..huisan...why you so weird??can you tell me??haha...

So,that's all about that..oh ya,one thing,thanks to my class's friends ya..thanks for your all support when i am having my performance..I really feel touched..^^i will do better next time..but if i let you all disappointed..i am sorry ooo^^hope you all will forgive me^^all the best in form 6 ya^^and for those who is just come to chung hwa...welcome to our school ...wish you all will have fun in this two years^^all the best!!!!!!so waiting for my another performance when malam koku bah^^~~~continue to support me and my dear perfect group oo!!!!

MY REAL FEELING....

2008-06-10T06:25:00.000-07:00
Here i am."Stealing' my cousin's laptop and update my blog again although i am not active anymore in msn,but this blog still is a place that let me express my REAL feeling...I think from here,you know me better, than when you face me,talk with me,or even you are my quite close friends... or in short words,when you interact with me...you still don't know what actually this huisan is thinking....

I have went to school for three days,every day also very tired.But,I think there are still not much homework.Maybe i spend much time in doing again all homework for tuitions,revise again what teacher taught and a lot of tuition!!Ya,i admit i become more hardworking than before.A bit la..haha..Life in Form6 till now still quite ok la,the condition of my class quite conducive for study,sometime la..This is because when i din understand something,i can ask a person who is pro and sit infront of me..haha..and discuss with some friends.Thanks ya,for all you all helps.I appreciate that.I also get close with a friends in quite a short period of time who maybe before this i have misunderstood to her.With her,i feel quite happy and i realise she is quite a not bad people,not as what as the rumours said.But,i hope i din become 'crazy huisan' again..Now,still thinking want buy presents for her or not,as her birthday is coming...Hmm...haha..

K...my form six life is briefly like that.After saying all that,i guess this is the time for me to express my feeling right here.As this blog always is the only place that i can express my REAL feeling.Haiz,what am i doing??i really don't know...Life which is always keep on pretending and hiding my real sad feeling is really very hard...I CAN'T!!!wondering what i did is right or not.The people infront of you although you can see her or him every day,but she or he become a stranger that you din get to know her or him anymore is most desperate thing than anything.On the way of doing the 'action',i thought i can continue although i am sad,but i never thought i CAN'T!!!why?why i always decide something that i CAN'T do??Now,i just like a bird of losing direction,but still keep on flying although my all feathers already keep on droping from my body...and keep on pretending that i can go the destination that i planned to go,smiles still always appear in my face...The most bad feeling is not when you are sad,but is you have to pretend happy although you are very sad...That is what the silly thing that i always did.I already don't know the way to cure it.'it'..the wound that pain in my heart every single seconds...I think everyone thinks that i am such a cruel person,but i actually just a people who is wearing mask infront of my friends.But,the mask here din mean that i want to cheat what or trying to do whatever bad things,just coz i don't want let anyone know my real feeling...izzit i am stupid?i also don't know what for i doing all this?coz of too care and scared of losing or i really get tired??I really don't know what myself thinking of...what i can do just try to forget about all such damn feelings...i just hope i am not such emotional person,i hate such characteristic of myself...i really hate that.How good is it if i can become a human that din have any feeling just like a clon human?Clon human?why i said so?coz they same as us is a human,but is a human without any feelings.(That is what i watched from a movie.)

Life being like this is just really like 'killing' my own heart...i wonder my heart still function normally or not...

DUNO WHAT TITTLE SHOULD I PUT...

2008-06-06T06:45:00.000-07:00
I use my half hours online time in my relative's house to write this post.Hope able to express my feeling well in this post.Life without MSN,still quite meaningfull.I found out that the time that i use to online actually can use to do a lot of other more meaningful things.But,honestly,i not so used to it.Life without chatting with friends especially you already,make my mind always playing the scene that the moment when we always chat.Whenever i share my sadness with you,your support melt my heart.I suddenly think of the sentence you said,'i happy,u happy,you will always support me no matter i am sad or happy...'what a touched sentence,believe me,it already being curved in my heart.No one can grab it away...of course,noone can grab our wonderful friendship footstep in my heart away...Every moment,every hours,every minutes,every seconds,i always appreciate our friendship...The leaving of friends especially you always left me feeling of vulnerable and depressed.But,no matter how hurt i am when friends leave,i always wish you all all the best,support you all fully from my bottom heart...I can swear,my support and spirit always with you all no matter you all go where to continue study.But,i really very miss you all.No matter how many new friends that i known,noone can replace best friend's place in my heart.I always says that i found an 'idol' to replace you,but honestly,NO...noone can actually replace my friend's place in my heart,NOONE.Of course,new friends can create another places in my heart...I think recently i found one.My first impression to her is someone who is quite active...But,through chatting with her,i think she not such kind of people if we know her well,and she is such same kind of people like me...who is always so emotional,can sad without reason,can happy without reason,can have some weird friendships which even we ourselves duno how to explain...

This few days,coz of certain reasons which i don't want to mention,I duno what am i doing,just don't know..but i think i just will try to do it until my heart truly heal or until there are any reasons that stop me from continue my actions.Give up...Duno when i start to make such decision...is it a impulsive action?I DUNO...I wish to be a magnanimous people,and won hurts easily.I still cant change the actual huisan...I always do silly things,pretend to be happy and din care the person who actually i care most.I duno why,maybe i want to proove that everything that i did are right??or just to pretend happy so that everyone beside me will not feel that i actually in a bad mood.Of course,sometime i din succeed to do it-pretend happy.If i really can't able to do it,means i truly in a bad mood,cant even pretend anymore.I need people concern especially friends,but i don't want their words make my tears which always running in my eyes drops ...hard,is it?So,i always said that i am very weird,people can't even catch when i actually sad.Maybe coz of this,i should not blame anyone if they can't catch when i sad and din concern about my feeling.But,i feel very happy,some friends still can catch when i am really sad even i din say out,Thanks..thanks you all here by my side when i am sad...I miss you all start from the moment you all leave here.Maybe you all din believe,especially YOU-who always din believe i miss you,and din believe even i put u as my display picture..haha..Tomorrow another friends will come back here,hwaiting~I will 'clean my ear' and ready to hear whatever you try to express(although tomorrow will be my most tired day),as i know you really not happy with your study environment which is not really conducive for your study.Another friends will come back next week,I hope i can meet her before she go back study,as i really miss her so much,miss her 'matured' expression when i say she inmatured,miss her jokes which always able to cheer me up,miss her advices which always change my decision...miss her 'pig sleep face'..haha...

Another friend who already being my sister for 3 years,she will come back from NS soon,i suddenly miss her.As i already 2 years din meet her,very very miss her...Whenever i have any sadness,i din forget to tell her,she too...Sometime she call me,and we have chat for quite many hours.I am very happy to hear her voices,which always have the ability to calm me down,cheer me up.She always like a big sister in my heart who always try to protect me...I think she start to protect me since i am kindergarden already.Maybe this is what we called 'destiny'...She will be my lovely sister forever...I hope in future,there are still some chances for us to meet,then for sure i will hug you tightly...and hold your hand every second you stay by my side...before you leave again...She is a very tough person too,no matter what difficulties she face,ya...i can feel she very sad when she try to express everything to me...But,after sometime,she still able to stand upp again and solve all that problems...Sis,no matter how hard your life,please remember my spirit and support always with you.This is my first time saying all this rou ma things,haha...Coz you always is the one who saying all this to me...I know you will never see this blog,but i still intend to say about you,coz i want to leave your images,our memories in this blog...Every words,every sentences in this blog who describe you,really comes from my bottom heart...which only can be written,but will not brave to say out from my mouth when i face you...coz I am a shy people,and i know you too..haha...Some words just can be written,but not saying them out,but they still remain very sweet in youe heart...until melt your heart...

I think i will not try to change who i actually is...but,some changes still will happen in huisan.I must do that just for my future,my study...I promise in my heart,and swear in my heart...in this 2 years,huisan sure will change to become better.But,if she become someone not too care about some other things,please forgive her...As she hope that her mind just have STUDY this word...

Memories...

2008-05-29T22:04:00.000-07:00
Yesterday,when i step in a builiding,a smile appear in my face.. some memories start to go through my mind.The laugh of both of us when we talking about movie...The first time i know more well about you,the first time i went out with you,the first time i did project with you,the first time i feel you are helping by giving me all informations about the project,trying hard to help me,the first time i feel close to you,the first time our friendship have a wonderful footstep in my heart,the first time i feel you are appreciate our friendship,the first time i feel you concern about me...All of this always keep in my heart,until i step in this builiding once again,all of this appear and melt my heart again.I think this is just what a true friend means...Start from that moment,I just feel actually we still not enough know about each other,I still in need of time to know more about you,but i wonder how you think about that?!i will not ask you,coz some question if remain in heart,it is better...it still will remain sweet and unforgettable in my heart...3 years,i still can't forget the moment ...I think,this can proove that how important this memories for me...Everytime pass this builiding,the time is just like return to that moment...a wonderful smile will appear in my face without any thinking...

Until now,I still cannot complete my resolutions- not too care of friendship.This is because I have a great experience of friendship,so it is too hard for me to forget.This is a sweet friendship...of course,that is another one friendship that i think ,it is quite hard for me to forget,give up,let it go...But,I will ...This is because,quarrel is no more a good things for this friendship,it is just like a sword which always go through my heart.It is too pain.So,i think if the 'sword' still go through my heart,my heart unable to function like normal anymore,and of course,me myself also cannot do my daily routine like normal anymore.This is just because,my mind will always think of the pain that my heart undergo...and my heart will pain in every second...until all of this receive an apologise.Honestly,I found like a very warm feeling from this friendship...very warm...and very happy sometime...but,coz of quarrel,this friendship already being destroyed and changed.Before this,no matter how,i always try my best to maintain this friendship,as it has been one of my sweetiest friendship in my heart.But...after all this efforts,i already start to be tired...and sometime when quarrel happen,maybe i too care of it,so my heart really very hurts...So,for the sake of my heart,for the sake of myself,I think the only way just give up...let it go.Although it is still make my heart pain,but no more pain in every second...it is better than before.maybe i am selfish to make such decision,but ...I think every human also selfish.Of course,there is other friendship still remain sweet in my heart,never let my heart pain before...So,I think i just will appreciate the friendship that is worth for me to appreciate...That is me.A new Huisan-will not do anything just to maintain a friendship which just will let her suffered and tired.

My resolutions..hmm...

2008-05-26T06:24:00.000-07:00
From the resolutions that i listed in my previous post...Hmm,i think some of them i able did it...but some of them i also din succeed to do it la..haha...Hmm,first,i already changed my 'artistic' handwritting become 'normal' handwritting..haha...everytime i write one essay,i will give my mum to see,after she satisfied,i just pass up to my teachers.Second,I am quite serious when tuition,no more play in tuition,just have serious huisan when at tuition,yeah!i really able to did it!!Third,I had do revision everytime after some tuitions.Fourth,i had save some money,even at school,rm 2.50 for one bowl of mee or other food,i also will not buy.haha...

Then,i will say about the things that i haven't do but i am going to do.hmm,first,i will not online already next month,no more online huisan in msn,but i will miss youT.T...the moment when we share our sadness and happiness while chatting...sharing my everything with you is my most happiest time and msn is the 'place' that i know you more well...let see what i remember about you...

=Favourite food : spicy food,example:Tom yam.
=not so like food : potato,milk.
=favourite colour : blue
=most scared 'things': coakcroach,at lift alone.
=favourite drinks : cool drinks
=like raining
=always have some weird dreams when you small.funny dreams..haha
=not so like shopping.
=have fall down when you small and your head are injured.
=favourite subjects: math
=dinlike pets
=favourite fruit: watermelon

haha..this is some about you..but,of course,not only about this,i really know you more well..I will miss this moments..When you go study,no matter how hard and how expensive the cost,i will try hard to keep in contact with you...i promise...Second,i am going to learn to become more matured(hope i can)haha...but,honestly maybe i have improved la,really won play during tuition and concentrate when teachers are teaching,and no sleep when teachers are teaching!!!

But,i think i also break some of my resolutions..haha..First,I promise not too fond of music,but during teacher's day,i already have a performance of singing..haiz..and before teacher's day,i also spend quite lot time to practice songs.I promise again,i will not sing except for some special reasons,I promise...Second,I still can't treat fair to every of my best friends,But,i promise i will not too care of friendship anymore..Now,For me,if some friendship really not worth for me to maintain anymore and it make me very tired,i will give up and let it go...i will not behave like before-always maintain friendship although it makes me tired and suffered.I just will keep one thing in my mind,that is STUDY..that's all...ya,now,friendship is still 'a place' that can let me express my feeling and 'a place' for me to share my friend's sadness and happiness,support my friends and 'a place' to support me...But,some friendship are not anymore...it just let me feel tired and suffered..Quarrel and cold war can make a relationship become closer,but also can make ourselves tired to this relationship...Maybe let it go is the best way and easiest way... No matter how much a friendship bring happiness for you,but once it has changed,it is meaningless for us to maintain anymore...I admit that one of my friendship really bring some kind like very warm feeling to me that i can't ever found in other friendship,but now once it has changed,i will just let it go...maybe i still will miss such warm feeling,but already become memories for me...i will not do anything in order to maintain it anymore...don't want myself to be tired anymore...I think maybe i can find happiness in other friendship which i din appreciate before this..i also start to believe in our life,if one of our friends go,but another one will come to step in our life again.So,there is nothing for us to worry about and there is no need for us to maintain other friendship that let us feel suffered.Life is for us to enjoy,but not to suffered coz of all of this...I am going to enjoy every second of my life,but will not think of any friendship problems anymore...

Hmm,i think that's all for my resolutions,if i still din list some of my resolutions that i haven't did..friends,tell me ya^^i will try hard to complete all of this resolutions!!!gambateh,huisan^^

A sweet performance....always remember....

2008-05-22T07:16:00.000-07:00
Such a sweet performance in my heart,make my heart feel very sweet...Although i think this song din make our school audience feel high,but i hope our songs can touched you all heart...

The day before teacher's day,we have a raptai.But,don't know is coz of the mic problem or is myself too scared??make i din satisfied with my singing and feel disappointed as i always want perfect for my singing.I am a perfectionist.haha...So,that day i really in a bad mood and scared mood.This is because they ask us to sing the second song!!!But,we just practice one song,for second song...Our mind just like blank,duno what song should we sing...God!!!!how we practice another new song as we already din have enough time??!!This also make me feel very angry,scared and sad....Haiz,such a terrible mood that i had.I know you are looking at me with a hope that i will not sad again...I know..But,i am sorry,at that time i just can't control myself,coz i like music!!i cannot let my performance not good,i just want my performance to be perfect.Sorry ya...I very appreciate your concern,and at this time i know...You are really my best friend,I can feel your concern to me.Before this,when some misunderstanding happen between us,someone told me...When i sad,you also feel very sad,but just you dun wan tell me...i maybe din believe ,but now i believe it and really feel very touched.Thanks...

After i reach home,i just think of a person,a person that always give me a lot advices...Thanks,your message have give me 'energy' to put more effort in practising song but not just merge in my sadness...You told me you also will have your car test,and ask me to gambateh with you...Ya,this enough to give me energy already...So,at that night,i keep on listening to the song that we choose and keep on practising.

Then the day finally come...Morning,when i just reach school,i quickly rush to find my group and practice our second song in acapella way...Hmm,although we just practice a while,but with my group members cooperation,we sing quite well...I feel so la..hahaha..So,after that...my heart start to beat faster and faster...Coz our performance is nearer.And this is my FIRST TIME to sing without stage.This make me feel a bit not used to it...and scared.haha..But,again,I lay my head on your shoulder and your head also lay above my head.This make me feel very calm..don't know why...And i feel a sweet feeling of our friendship already come back...Your hand always have a 'power'to make my cold hand feel warm again...we hold each other hand...You always is the one who able to calm me down...Thanks...Make me feel touched again,but just...i din tell you...haha...And finally reach my group turns...but,weird..haha..I din feel scared anymore while i singing..Maybe this is because we use our eyes to 'communicate' with each other..and of course with our smiles,we din feel much scared anymore...I just try my best to sing ..although our songs din make audience feel high and din receive a lot claps...As i know la,this is a sad song...haha..so i expect this situation already.but this din make me disappointed.Coz after this,we receive many ppl praises...And some say my group is the best among all..izzit?hahaha...Hmm,and this is my first time to sing malay song...How you all feel?izzit got anything weird with my singing??And i already break my own record.Coz i had sing english,chinese and malay song before.So,maybe this means that I already can 'bersara' from singing??haha...I always wish to be audience la,than the person perform...Coz,i am lazy already.hahaha...

Hmm,after that,after waiting some people performance,it is our turns again to sing our english song in acapella way again...Hmm,i am the one who 'pei4 ing1'..haha..i hope my 'pei4 ing1' din hearlike weird?izzit?haha...hmm,i think we perform quite ok la...So,after our singing finish...phew~~i feel very happy and relieve...yeah!!!finally,we can sit at audience sits and watching people other performance.haha...Me and my two group members behave like crazy while listening to music...haha...This is what we called form six 'matured' behaviour???oh,god!!hahaha..but i really enjoy it...Hmm,and we talk about when our form 1 sweet memories...actually i would like to say that,'you are one of them who able to make my form one school time become a sweet memories ...and i din regret make friends with you...and become best friend with you'....Hmm,ya,after some performance and talks,finally teacher's day had come to the end...wah,i feel very tired...my eyes can't even open already la...so wish can quickly back home and sleep as long as i want...haha...(sleepy pig)..haha...

I think that's all bah about my group's performance...I don't know whether this my last time performance in school or not..coz i think it is time for me to retired la...as i already sing for quite a long time...I think audience also see me until bored already...haha...But,this will be my sweet last performance..Thanks,ya,my group members^^we did a great job!!!by practise two songs only in two days,but we already able to sing such well,this already very good!!!!haha,i am proud with my this new group^^thanks you...

hmm...another practice song day....

2008-05-20T06:36:00.000-07:00
Haha,finally i update my blog..so long i din update my blog.This is because haiz...I busy with my singing things AGAIN...And i hope this is my LAST TIME to sing already ...

Actually,i really very enjoy while practicing songs..haha...I really very enjoy...Especially can sing with my best friend..^^haha...Hmm,after some misunderstanding which happen between me and her,i really very happy that we can be back like before.And i also hope that we will always be best friend till forever...I always want to tell you that,'haiz...no matter sometime how weird i am,how cool i am,how strange i am,i still treat you as my besty^^as i always is such a weird person,i always do something that is totally contrast with what i am thinking...And i hope you will not cry and sad la...haiz...i sometime just want make our friendship better...that's all..i din mean anything....so i hope you understand it^^haha...'(i hope you will not see this blog...it is too rou4 ma2...haha^^blek!!)Music is just like something that combine we two...This song,actually have such a lyrics that i really want to sing meanly for you..."aku menyesal tlah membuatmu menangis'Actually i same with you la,once you sad,i will sad too...So,we two must happy 2gether!!!^^I also want to say that you always is the one that able to cheer me up^^

Hmm,let me say about my this perform group^^my this perform group not same as before..This time is my first time to sing with a special friend.Haha...One special friend that when i always see her,i feel i want to laugh...hahahaha..Really so weird.And this is my first time to sing malay song.wow,i also want to try lar.haha..after i perform,you all must give me comment o..hahahaha...^^Today..huh!really very tired.After school bell ring,we rush to kb mall to buy CD that contain the karaoke of that song which we want to sing.Then,rush back to hsieh yie home to practice songs until 6p.m!!!!!I wear my school uniform from morning 6.30 a.m until 6.00p.m evening!!!wow...12 hours...zzzz..damn 'busuk'!!!haha...But,today really very tired...We such rush to prepare,coz we have to perform it when tomorrow 'raptai'...

haiz,said about 'raptai' only,i also got a bit scared d...haha..Eh,you all noh!don't think that i had very normal sing infront of audience le..thought i din scared of anything???!!!i sure scared la..haiya.if din scared,i am not normal people already la.haha...Hmm,i hope my group performance will be good....i really hope that,Hmm..coz maybe this is my LAST TIME to sing...Coz i really don't want myself involve too much in singing already..STPM now is everything for me.So,i need to concentrate to it....And i hope i able to do it...

Today...

2008-05-15T07:05:00.000-07:00
Today,my mind always playing some questions...'a friend that u feel that u will not share your sadness or even happiness with her anymore,is she still your best friend,true friend?"I just feel whenever i plan to share my sadness with her,she gave me a respond,like not so willing to share...And whenever i am very sad,the one who appear by my side and give me the best advice,is not her anymore...she even don't know when i am sad.Especially 'the scary day'...I realise who is really concern about me.This make me lost all confident to her...Ya,in my heart,i still very very care about her,but i just maybe don't treat her like before already...Coz she really make me disappointed.Actually i just want to say,' sorry,sometime do not treat you like before already,but sometime i really feel nothing want to talk with you already...i am very sorry to say that...I behave like i not so care about you,but FIVE YEARS friendship make me still very very care about you...' Maybe u din did anything wrong la,just i....haiz,i also duno how to say...I still appreciate this friendship deep in my bottom heart....i also admit me myself is also a weird people,sometime people will not catch when i am really sad...so duno is her wrong or my wrong...and i know i din blame her for anything.Now,maybe she just can be a friend that can play around with me....Although in my heart she still my best friend,but my heart like try to 'reject' her as best friend already...just to avoid myself being hurt...

Today,after heard what our principle said,ya,what he said is right...This make me pick up my confidence again. Form 6 maybe is a good choice also...and if we study hard,we can make it!!!! Although din score well in spm,but if try harder,i still can make it for stpm!!!!!so now what i have to do is just concentrate for stpm!!!trying to tuition anywhere to make me better,try to arrange my time so that i will not waste my time^^i wish i really can make it...for myself,my family,and also for my all lovely friends who really concern about me....

Haiz,i truly miss my friends who went to study...chuey sien!!!yie wan!!!i miss the time when we all 2gether!!!i wish u two are doing good.....without you two,i like not very used to it already...But,no matter how tired,u two must be tough to face OOO!!!i always support you two...yie wan,without you,no one can cheer me up already,make me happy like before.No matter how sad i am,you still able to make me happy again...i miss youT.T....chuey sien,when i am sad,you try to share my sadness.Now without your advice,i don't know how to share my sadness with other people already..I miss you tooT.T...waiting the time we can meet each other!!!!!!!i also always miss a friend who is still in kelantan...but is going to leave me AGAIN...I wish JPA will not send her to a place which is very far and very pian1 pi4 de...Coz i will worry about her...Gambateh o,no matter you are going where,i always support you,and i will try every way to keep in touch with you...I will miss you tooT.T...haiz,school time without all of you,maybe no more a very happy school time for me now...every day go to school,see everything around the school,just make me more miss you all...

Form 6^^

2008-05-13T07:53:00.000-07:00
Finally,the life of form six have started.But,not really start la,just have an orientation for this week.Then,what is my final decision ??(which subject i choosed)i finally also choose biology which i like more if compare to physic.I do really hope i will do well in this subject already,and i promise i will.hmm...Today orientation is really quite fun,i do really enjoy...ice-breaking...haha^^devide us into group,then ask each of the group member to draw each part of the elephant,then paste all together.This is quite fun.My group's elephant is just like the UFO or maybe what they said,elephant from India.haha^^my job is to draw elephant's body.=.='at that moment,i suddenly forget how is actually the body of elephant.kaka^^so,i just draw a circle...kaka^^paiseh paiseh!!I really have fun la,and know some new friends..hmm...i wonder i still remember or not??ya..all of the names still in my mind,coz we have to memorise every name of the member of the group.haha^^I found one very active girl in my group,she can talk like very friendly with all of us!!!although we not so close about her.wow!!i really wish i can learn from her^^such a cute active girl!!!

Hmm..then,we have to take a simple counselling test!!!we have to answer 100 of questions!!!!then we have to count the mark and c which type of group we belong...(got emas,jingga,hijau,biru)I have more 'tick' in biru,so i belong to 'biru'...wow,this is extremely accurate la!!!!I am the 'biru' type of people,which mean is someone like have a deep feeling,have more interest in art(me:sing),romantic,like harmony,loyal,i will treat everybody equally,i will not pretend infront of people(ya..in fact,i really hate people who always pretending,like become good infront of certain people,but become bad infront of other people!!!hate!)....kaka^^My friends say this is all describe about me,it is very accurate!!is it?hmm,ya,i also think so.I really is such type of people.

hmm..besides that,we also follow the type of person we are and become a big group^^actually, there are four type of people~'Emas',"jingga','hijau','biru'.Then,in the group,we have to introduce ourselves again and tell other what we like and what i dislike.I mention i like t have a friend who knows me well,and know what actually i want..a real friendship~~i dinlike people cheat me.ya..i really hate that!!!i really tell everything honestly^^

I think that's all bah,i wish tomorrow will more interesting^^but.tomorrow like need to donate blood??!!!=.='but,i still wish i can enjoy every day^^chung hwa pre-u is the best^^haha!!

Hmm..happy things i already listed above of this blog.Now,i want to express some of my feeling...haiz,today i look around my school,is just like although i know one of my best friend will not come to school already...But,i still like use my heart to 'find' her...Look around the school canteen,i think back we sit together in canteen and talk,i always see u eat in canteen,such a cute eating face...Look above the building,i see the library,which we always went...we study together in library...spend our last day of spm in school...a special conversation happen between us...haiz,see all the prefect cloth,i always imagine you still wearing the prefect cloth and walk around the school..friend,i really miss 'the you in school time'..i still wish we can study together.But,of course,i do really happy you get what you want.The happy feeling come from my heart...you happy,i happy...gambateh ya,my friend...although you haven't leave here,but i have din meet you for quite a long time...i wish i can meet you before you leave here again...I will miss you,my true friend...^^friendship forever...no matter where you go,i always support deep in my heart...no matter what happen,you still my best best friend...

Physic or Biology??!!HELP...

2008-05-10T03:28:00.000-07:00
thinking...thinking and thinking...haiz..think for so long already,but i still can't make a decision without struggle in my heart.Honestly,make decision is the most difficult thing in my life,and of course this is my weakness.friends,can you all give me some advices??Let me list out how i think about this two subject and my situation...

Biology
1.I like to study biology,because i like to study about living things and cell.
2.I scored bad in my spm. ;(
3.I have no confident to the jobs offered in biology,like in biotechnology,biochemical science...
4.In malaysia's Local U,it is hard to get such courses of Biology.
5.i am good in memorising things

Physic
1.I not so like about the formula in physics and calculation.
2.I don't know whether i suitable to work in engineering or not.
3.I am weak in calculation and understand things.
4.I have confident to the jobs offered for physics.
5.my mum encourage me to take,but not Biology.

I think that's all bah.I hope you all can give me some advices...HELP...one day left!!!!if i still can't make decision,then how am i going to register for form 6??but if want me take both,zzzz...I am sure teachers will think:'this student result so bad,but still think of she can take both subjects???!!!really don't understand...'haiz...hard...really hard!!!!

my sis....and my resolutions for this year...

2008-05-06T05:54:00.000-07:00
Today,don't know why,when i am talking with my mum,suddenly we talk about my little sister.Haiz,few drops of tears flow from my eyes again...i said to my mum,sometime we should not blame her for what she did.Just like she like to stand infront of mirror and try to make up,mum always scold her,as she is still small,but want to learn to make up already.Maybe we should think in another expect,she try to make her beautiful,is just to make other people more like her and be friend with her...or she wan get other people attention...So,we really should not blame her...my pity sister,i really wish you can be like normal people...I wonder how is actually your world?what actually is 'sound' in your world?and i wish i can understand you well...I still remember what you said to me,you said noone want to sit with you in class,they all think you like weird people...I really feel very sad to hear that,haiz...what can i do for you??i just can hug you tightly....hold your hand fondly....I just can do that,sorry...I promise you,i will not blame you already,maybe what you did,you really have reason which we hard to understand...I will think in your corner before blame you...i promise...sister,wish you can be happy always...my love for you never end...

After express my feeling...Hmm,after i read somebody blog,i think it is time for me to say about my resolutions for this brand new year too!!!next week need to register for f6 already!So,i think i need to change my life style,so that my f6 life will not be a night mare,but is a sweet dream for me...right?And i wish my mind will have capacity to remember all my resolutions and i NEED to to do it!!!

Following is some resolutions!!!I am resolute to complete all promises this year!

1.I cannot be lazy!!!i must study hard,no more play in f6!!
2.I need to change my behavior,like easily annoyed and be a considerate person.
3.i cannot make my mum angry,i must get a good result for her to c and try my best to help her to do housechores.
4.I need to treat fair to all my best friends,i cannot make myself sometime too care of a friend,but must care equally.(it is quite hard for me)
5.i should make myself not too fond of music?i will try bah..i need to change my principle into..~~'din hear music for one day,i still can alive!!!'haha...
6.I need to improve my english..one day atleast need to learn 10 vocabulary!!!!
7.I need to do revision every day after school!!!
8.decrease my online time..=.='or maybe after this month will not online anymore.
9.No play during tuition,must be serious and concentrate.
10.change my handwriting,no more 'artistic' handwriting..=.='
11.must save money,to keep for future.atleast rm 1 per day?haha...
12.become matured,no more childish and crazy huisan...

I think that's all i could think for now.If next time i think of others,i will add in here again.wah..quite a lot!i will try my best to keep all my promises!!!!friends,you all must see whether i can make all this o!if i failed to do it,please beat me!haha^^a whole new huisan will appear!!new year..new hope...new dream...and new huisan!!!^^

Sad feeling comes to me continuously....

2008-05-03T07:26:00.000-07:00
Happiness always too far from me....whenever i want to go near...it always away from me.why?I am making the steps,to make my mood stable back.But,keep on having disturbance and obstacles.haiz...why?

I just need encouragement to make my steps,but it seems so hard for me...even my 'medicine' also cannot cure me anymore,so what can i do?I already try my best to be happy again,but on the way to achieve the happiness,always have a large obstacle which make me so suffered and tired.I really scared one day i will give up,and just be a dead body half of the way....Friends..sorry...sometime i do really wish to say out everything of my sadness,share with you all,but i still don't want make u all worry about me or..haiz..i also don't know why...I just prefer calm down alone,hide myself alone to express everything..but,sometime i really can't solve it alone...

Sometime,maybe noone can understand my feeling....spm?!!!!why everyone ask about you?i am so scared of you although you already become a history...Whenever got some my parent's friends come to my house,i prefer to hide myself in a room,don't want to face them,don't want to answer their question about you...even want go a new tuition,i also will try to hide myself from the teacher..just want avoid teacher to talk to me...I am just like a snail...or a turtle..din brave to face people sometime..i dinlike..i really dinlike!!!!but,what can i do?I really feel shame coz of you!!!now i already start to imagine,how am i going to face my teacher at school?if they ask about you..how am i going to answer?i think that time i need a hole to hide myself again...haiz...my life..when such life going to be the end?.....i just don't know how to share my sadness to you all,so i just writing this blog to express everything...every sadness in my heart...everything that i worry about...and everything i want to say....

Thanks...

2008-04-30T20:58:00.000-07:00
'u happy,i happy....i will always support you no matter u sad or happy....'i will always keep it in my heart.Before this,i always tell you this sentence,and i really wish i can do it....But now when you say it back to me,I feel really happy..sweet till my heart..and until melt my heart...Coz...finally,you learn how to say this to me..and finally you know how to appreciate this friendship.Thanks...Thousands of thanks keep in my heart,I don't want to say it out.I want to use action to prove how i really appreciate this friendship.Now,i realise my sacrifice and what i did for this friendship is worth.I feel really happy for having you as my best friend.... and of course true friend...

I don't know how to appreciate friendship until i meet you all.I just realise, friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.Remember last post?That time when i sad...thanks for you all advice.I will keep it in my heart,i will not keep it in my mind..coz I want it to be curved in my heart.I will not say thanks to you all..Again,I will use my action to say this 'thanks'...When you all have any sadness and happiness,I will waiting here to share with you all...I willing to be happy and sad just for our precious friendship....promise ya?waiting you all sadness and happiness ya^^..i will always support you all....With you all support,I promise,I will stand up again and continue my hard work for my future..continue to strive for my future!i promise...But,if i fall down again,I also will waiting you all to share with me Oooo...wish you all willing to share me?can?Friends are the most important ingredient in my recipe of life.The love of my life is the love between friends....I will always miss you all...T.T...gambateh!!and good luck for all of you.My life now is like a rainbow ...which beautify by all of you...every best friend in my heart...

When i am thinking ..suddenly a song played in my mind...that is 'i'll be there'by Dong Bang Shin Ki...In this korean song...That is a sentence..'thanks for everything,and thanks you here'..I think this is very meaningful.This is because i think that the 'you' inside this song...are all of you all..all my best friend...

sad feeling comes over me again.....haiz...

2008-04-26T01:49:00.000-07:00
Yesterday is my happy day...so i suppose to write some event that make me happy about yesterday.But,my mood being spoilt today....Early in the morning,while i am still sleeping,my mum suddenly told me someone daughter score well in SPM..and start to compare this and that...why?is it result is the comparison of the teaching way of parents to their daughter or son?is it result is the things that parents use to make themselves proud?is it result is everything for parents?Actually i just make my mood stable after that scary day,and start to make myself study for form6...but one words from my mum already push me into the place that i don't want go-'hell',makes my mood drops from the highest point until the lowest point....did she know that,just a simple words,can make my heart pain again.The words is just like a 'sword' that shoot into my heart accurately,make my fat drops of tears flow from my eyes again...i really hate that...But,of course i din blame my mum,coz i know that is all my faults,cannot blame anyone.Now,notice that my friends is going to leave me,i already keep on telling myself..'i cannot be sad,and i can make it.I can be a tough and happy huisan without being the obstacle of their happiness,and will not make other ppl pity to me.I can do it.'But,i think i had fail to do it half already...my heart still will pain...the sadness never away from my heart,my mind...especially today when i hear the 'cruel' words,i suddenly burst everything out.... no energy to make myself tough again,and start to express every sadness out from my heart by writing this blog,by filling my emotion voice into a sad music,by make myself lying at my bed for few hours while my mum not at home....trying to make myself happy again..let myself can be tough again....but till now i din succeed to make it...haiz...huisan be back sad huisan again...cannot improved anymore into happy huisan d till now...but no matter how,i will try...i think i should remember this sentence...'a smile's curve can straighten everything'... hope i can make my mood up to the highest position again....and can secure myself from the place called 'hell'....i think now...i need TRUE FRIEND to share everything with me....

time...why you 'walk' so fast?...

2008-04-22T06:07:00.000-07:00
Today..very cool...i like such weather....the wind flow over me....the cool feeling really very good...In such weather,when u are hearing music...this is an amazing feeling...want to try?close your eyes...use your heart to hear the music....you will feel the difference when u use ear to hear and when you use ur heart to hear...totally different....heart...when you use heart to hear..you will feel the lyrics in the song is so meaningful....and some memories will suddenly appear in ur mind...sweet memories...

So,thats why..today my mind playing some memories again...and make me feel...time really pass so fast....very fast..until i just feel that..yesterday is like the first day i step into secondary school....

The first day i step in secondary school...feel very strange to the surrounding of the school...feel very strange to the friends that around me....that time,i start to think..is it my all primary school friends all disappear already?why i din found any of my primary school friends?then i just follow all students go into a big hall...and when i see there are so much students who are so strange...the scared feeling comes over me already....after a talk,i start to find my class...i very late just found out which is my class...When i found out my class,and i look around those people in this class...i really feel very strange...and very scared...This is because..NO ONE IN THIS CLASS IS MY FRIEND!!!!!I start to think,is it this is my night mare?but i dun realise...this is the start of my sweet dreams....

I keep quiet in my class for almost half year,i just know some of my friends...weird,is it?because i din talk much at my class..always alone...and i quite enjoy the feeling of alone..sometime..but sometime also quit lonely...I think,at that time..that is the new HUI SAN born again...coz she change into a person who is more quiet...din playfull anymore...but also think in the way of pessimistic already...totally different with the HUI SAN when primary school...who is very playfull,happy everyday,scared of nothing,always so optimistic...but this is not a good thing..coz she never think of her future...her study..is NEVER...but amazing is she score quite well in exam..but not UPSR...i think mayb this is the first time she 'fall down' ...very hurt..very painful..until she change into a different person....

The start of my sweet dream?why i said so?coz she found so much true friends...concern about her...share everything with her...sadness..happiness....and of course..at start,she very lonely..but one special friends make her change...a people with dark skin...haha...always so happy...try to talk with her..when they tuition togather...i think i will never forget until eternity..and the second one...the people let her know..she should study hard...and what is future..and what is hardwork....and a lot true friends who start to cheer her up..of course will not change her into primary school de HUI SAN...but..already make her very very happy...she already found the place to express her feeling..everything with her friends...that is the truth...Now,she realise...primary school?maybe ya..no worries at all,no sadness at all..but she found no true friend at there...just have friends who always play with her...happy togather..thats all...noone able to share everything with her....so i said..secondary school is the start of my sweet dream..and this dream still make me feel very sweet till now..sweet in my heart..play in mind...always...until the end of my life...all of this..never disappear...

Although it is over...but still can feel it's presence in my heart and mind...sometime,i do really hope some miracles could happen...time can be back again..let me 'sweet' for once again..although it is impossible...ya..impossible..so i also no need think so much about that...Now,so fast..i am going to face my f6...is it another sweet dream?or night mare?i don't know...but i will try hard for it....and make it into sweet dreams..that is my hopes..my promise to my family..my promise to myself..my promise to my friends..and a guarrentee if my future...it is everything for me....So,i am going to change into a more hardworking HUI SAN again?i hope i really able to do that.....friends,thanks for you all support..you all support is my moving strength to try hard for my future...and gambateh to all of you who wan go for f6!!!wish we can create a wonderful future ..sweet dream 2gether!!!!

sweet feeling comes to me again....

2008-04-20T10:20:00.000-07:00
Face to my computer...hand type until can't stop.....looking the words in the small box in msn which is full of our memories.....make my heart feel as sweet as honey...my smile appear at my face...music that play unstop from the speaker even is sad song...now go into my ear..become a happy song...it is such a wonderful feeling...that is when i am chatting with my best friends especially you,when i share everything with you...include sadness and happiness...that is the most sweet feeling that i ever have...Hundreds of thanks in my heart...but can't even brave to say out when i face my best friends...include you...and especially you...who able to make me shy without any reason...that is most special friendship that i never have...although face each other infront of a lot people,we can't talk naturally...but happy to know you still treat me as true friend...really happy...such happiness unable to described...just can be feel in my heart...noone can know such happiness...just myself can know that.... coz it really meant to me.....

Sit at different place...we still can look at each other and being crazy..that is quite happy...with you,is a most great happiness that i never have.Just sit at a simple restaurant,we able to give each other happiness by talking.Now thinking back...can't find the reason we so happy for..but,just can remember our laughing and happy image...all of this already in my mind...noone can grab all of this away...noone can understand it...maybe just we two...such memories become 'alive' in our mind...which can bring happiness for us...and make a footstep in our heart...a wonderful friendship footstep....

Looking you all wan go away from me...my heart start to feel pain...the pain..again..even myself cannot describe it...but din show infront of you all...pretend to be happy,this also can make me more happy and din so sad coz of that.So,i choose to pretend happy.No sad for you all from me,just want you all go there to achieve your dream with a happy and good mood.I choose to be people that wish you all all the best and always support you all,but not being an 'obstacle' of you all excitement and happiness....who need you all pity and advice.I dinlike such pity...i dinlike people pity me.I tell to myself,even sad,still have to face it,and i able to do it no matter what difficulties infront of me.Coz i had fall down before,now in the way to make up my steps again in my road,i need to become stronger,although may have to walk till all my body get hurt by those obstacles at the road...but..i NEED to make up my steps again...that is the way to become stronger.Friends,all the best.I am waiting here for u all to come back.Please don't forget me as my heart always have such places for you all.....even new friends...can never grab the place of u all from my heart...noone able to do that..that is my promise...be tough and happier at there as my support and spirit always with you all...especially you...my true friend....

no more idol...kaka^^a weird and special friendship that i never face...and a wonderful group i want to introduce^^

2008-04-19T20:30:00.000-07:00
Friendship....a weird friendship happen between us...i first time will feel shy infront to a friend that i treat her as best friend.This is not my own problem,but our both problem.We will feel shy if we face each other infront a lot of friends,and cannot talk naturally.why le?we both also don't know the answer.After chatting and chatting,but still don't know the answer.haha..really weird.But,if i think in another expect?is it this friendship not suppose to say it weird,but say it special?because of such weird things happen between us,then just make this friendship most special than others.is it what i think is right?kaka~but think like this,will make us more happy about it^^think optimistic mar...haha..u all want me to do that de.wakaka~~But,after we say out everything,i really feel quite comfortable already,or else my heart just like want to explode already.This is because 'it' is full of questions,full of doubtful,full of the shy condition between us...so complicated...but,no matter,it is such sweet already.This is because in our heart we got a place for each other...that is true friend.Maybe that is enough for me.

My present for you..i am very happy that you like it and treat my present as precious present....thanks...although i don't want you say thanks for me,but me is the one would like to say thanks...haha...i am very glad to know you say you will keep it nicely...my heart out a sentence:''yeah!!!you like it!!!'wakakaka..^^ya...those present i had spend much energy and time to make it better and better...haha..so i am very touched to know you like it^^

K...finish my friendship things..then in this post,i wan introduce a wonderful singing and dance group^^from the amazing singing voice...see the wonderdul dance step...hear the beautiful and amazing high voice....hear the shout of all audience....then this wonderful group..must be our DONG BANG SHIN KI!!!!!!!!^^famous for half of the world!!hmm...before this,i always heard people crazy of them.Then my mind will wondering..what so good about this group?coz of appearance?haiyo,no need so crazy mar...but,now i realise..they not only good in singing but also good in dancing...is extremely the best in the world..not only good..kaka~~till i duno got use what world to describe it...they able to sing while dance as this is most hard for a singer to do that.Although sometime may out of the key,but this show that they really try hard for that.Every member in this group...have their own beautiful voice...and own style...This wonderful group,can't even less a member.This is because every member is such important in this group!!!!They own style make this group wonderful~~hmm..let me introduce every member in this group~~

U-KNOW~~~^^/yunho^^

wow...a good leader of dong bang shin ki!!!extremely good in dancing^^and a charisma leader^^his voice not very high...but also quite good..have a sweet voice actually. He is suitablein rap song ..and i realise he is very good in rap song..^^

Hero~~~/Jaejoong

hmm...this is very secretive handsome boy~~get no.1 handsome in Asia!!!!!He have a wonderful voice which can make people touched and of course a beautiful high voice...^^His wonderful voice suitable in slow and romantic song which really able to make tears flow from my eyes..of course..also suitable in fast song^^coz his voice just very wonderful^^

Micky/yoochun^^

Most charisma boy^^haha...having a most different voice with others...hmm..mayb use sexy voice to describe his voice ..maybe?haha^^He is very good in rap song too...and able to write a very good..touched songs...just like 'girl friend'...which able to make all girls being attracted to this song...haha^^

Xiah/junsu^^

hmm...most cute boy!!!haha..get 4rd place most cute boy!!!wow~~haha...he have an unique voice^^and when even he talk,also talk with a soft voice...coz he really having an unique voice^^kaka~he also very good in dancing....and his voice is most stable one ..when dance,his voice hard to out of the key...wow^^very pro,right?no wonder my friend will crazy of him..kaka^^

Max/Chang min
hmm...chang min is the youngest boy in this group~~He having a very very high voice!!!!!i think his voice can even fight with girls^^hmm...his very high shout in 'rising sun' is most amazing^^kaka~~

wow..finally finish!!!

how can it be??

2008-04-19T01:48:00.000-07:00
The question keep on repeating appear in my mind.Looking at the clock,time already become later and later.But,my mind still can't ever get out of that question.Asking and asking...but no one can answer my questions.

Maybe i should ask the friend that let me keep on thinking this question.But,how to ask?izzit just ask her...why we can be so close when chatting in msn and sms...but not when we face each other?coz i am not sure whether the problem is me..or we both....is me that one who is too shy to talk to her everytime?or we both also like that?5 years half friendship....in this 5 and half years...i always thought that in my heart..she is my idol for forever...but i din realise since when i din treat her as idol anymore...but till now,i also din sure,izzit i din treat her as idol already?or maybe i treat her as idol just less than before,and still treat her as idol?Face to you,half idol and half best friend...make my mind so doubtful...duno how am i going to face you..duno what am i suppose to talk with you...duno how am i going to communicate with you..duno where to start the conversation with you...Such friendship..will let me think too much..and finally make me tired...i really duno wan get tired coz of friendship...This is because..till now,i really have no confident to my family already...u all sure feel weird..right?There are some stories behind this..but i dun wan to mention about it already.Just in short words,friendship is the only 'place' that can let me rest,let me share everything,let me express my sadness and happiness.So,that 's why i said,friendship is my most precious thing in my life!That why i always think much in friendship problem.Because i don't wan the only 'place' that can bring happiness for me just disappear like that and i don't want 'it' change to a 'place' that make me tired.....So,i just want to get clear in friendship and be happy coz of it.That's all for me.

I really wish to find the 'best friend' feel between us.From i know you till now,i wondering ...izzit such feel never appear between us?and maybe even 'friend feel' never exist too?like what i mention before in my last post..'best friend' feel..is just like someone you can crazy with...someone you can share everything with...someone you can share sadness and happiness..and how can when in msn and sms,we can be such type of friend..but when we face each other infront of a lot people..then we change to another type of friend...what type of friend?i also duno the answer...i wish anyone can answer me....i wish to find the correct reply for my questions...i wish to open the question mark in my heart...i wish to let my mind being clear without doubtful already..This is because i don't want make myself tired...not coz i think too much..Just coz the weird friendship that i have never face make me feel tired.....

2day meeting of friends....hmm....

2008-04-18T04:59:00.000-07:00
Today...meeting of a lot friends...include mei yee...and of course hsieh yie....when i arrive k.b mall,i meet earlier with hsieh yie...she accompany buy something for my idol...then after that..we go to drink a super big drinks at noodle station....actually we share that drinks...but still cant finish it...kaka~hmm..before this,we already long time din talk till so happy....today we really talk until very happy...until she keng3 dao4...wakaka^^and i laugh till my face also ma2 already...kaka^^...we actually talk about the messages that we send to each other....haha..by looking the messages....we really enjoy...then we still like very crazy like before...kaka~but duno is me crazy or we both??=.='kaka^^

hmm...then reach the time...2p.m...the meeting of friends....my heart beat very fast when me and hsieh yie going down from noodle station...actually i really duno i scared of what??weird me....then coz some of them din arrive...so..me..hsieh yie..mei yee..chuen ling...yen jie...go to pacific there to choose cloth for chuen ling bah..but as i know...i very damn dinlike shopping...so i feel sleepy when go in...kaka...hmm..then after all friends reach...we go to pizza there to eat lor....i really eat till very full..actually the super big drinks inside my stomach still din digest la..haiyo...so i eat one pizza...then till second pizza...i give to hsieh yie half...kakakaka^^pity hsieh yie...sorry ya...when go out with me..u always need to share my food and drinks...kaka^^hmm..along when we eat..i just go talk a bit with my idol....

Hundreds of words keep in my heart..but when i meet her,even one words also can't be said out from my mouth...why?but i realise the feeling that i feel to her...already less than before...hmm..this feeling is like the feeling that treat her as idol...is that because i more know her already?or because in my heart..she already my best friend..so i din treat her as idol anymore...the 'idol' ..this name that i always called...just because i already used to it?i really duno....but i am sure my heart really treat her as best friend de...just till now..i can't find the real best friend feel between us....why?the best friend feeling is just like...u can crazy with your best friend....you can play fool with her....you very close to her...but i just can't find it between us...haizz...what does it mean??!!today meeting..i really quite enjoy la...although some of the friends..i not very close...but really quite ok already....hmm...between...still got people say me have no eyes.....=.='...duno is coz of hsieh yie mouth or not...zzzz....

After eat till very full..until i just want to sleep at there...haha...then we go popular bah..but not all la..some of them i also go where already..of course..i still together with hsieh yie....hmm...i can't find dong bang shin ki's songs at popular la..haiyo....haha..then after that we go to pacific lor...we help yen jie find her ingrediets for her 'fruit popiah'...haha...then after that..hmm...i want go back d bah..coz mum already call me lor...so just say goodbye to they all lor...when i say good bye with my idol...hmm..we just a bit close to each other..i feel not willing to go home lar....coz i know after this...duno when we can meet again..maybe got to wait few months d bah...but no matter how..i will wait for you...and waiting the time we can meet again....i wish i can get my answer from my questions above....i really wish to know...you all..please give me answer ya...kaka^^but today still my happy day la^^...meiyee..if you view my blog..i wish you also can answer my question by giving comments...

hmm..it's time to introduce myself.....and also my all best friends....

2008-04-13T06:17:00.000-07:00
like primary school always did...write an essay about yourself....haha...now i am going to this thing....hmm..what actually i think of myself?maybe from my blog...you all sure know a bit about me already...hmm..maybe pessimistic?haha...ya...i admit...i am a person who is pessimistic...always think something with a negative thinking way...i also din like myself being like that..but hard to change....can anyone teach me how to change?haha...maybe hope for an angel like what i said for my last post?haha~hmm..but actually some best friends already change me ...i wonder y i can change so fast...i remember when i am in primary school...i always very happy,very naughty,and of course playful.......can say happy every day.....every day also like a happy day for me...but duno since when...i become so pessimistic...and become quite quiet than before already....is it a good change of me?or a bad change of me?haha...y not u all tell me?haha~

Besides that...now...and i think in future....friendship still is my most precious thing in my life....no other things can take over it's important place in my heart....say about friendship...hmm..let me introduce some best friends in my life...want?kaka~

MEI YEE~~ a special best friend and my first 'ido'l in my life....the first person...let me realise...'hard work is A MUST to achieve our dreams in our life'....hmm..and she teach me ...'live happily is the most important in our life'.....i really learn a lot things from her....thanks ya..mei yee...and i really know you really my true friend...as when i am sad..u always by my side..and give me a lot advices....and we really have a lot same interest.... hahahaha..recently..i just realise it....you will be my best friend in my heart...forever....before this..i always din believe you treat me as best friend..really sorry...in my bottom of heart..now you always is my most inportant friend in my life....when you have any sadness and happiness..i willing to share everything with you....always ...always....i miss you^^you always my idol^^no matter what fault that u did to me...that is not pain for me...but is a process to let me know you more...till now..u still a perfect friend in my heart....always....

HSIEH YIE~~a dark dark best friend...naughty girl...cute girls...hahahaha...always crazy with her...if we 2gether...haha...then cannot imagine what will happen already...'sky fall'??haha...but i really very happy to have her as my best friend....the feeling while together with her...really great...she bring a lot happiness to me...really...but...weird things is...we always quarrel...can say all the time..then din talk for few days..after friend back..then crazy again...then quarrel...then friend back...then crazy again..this process keep on repeating in our friendship...haha...but all quarrel is no more pain for me...but a sweet memories...which let us feel we care about each other...hsieh yie!!!!you always my beat friend!!!although sometime i din choi u..haha...

YIE WAN~~a sha poh...haha...but always bring happiness to other people..include me....where got a lot laugh voice...then i guess...she will be there too...hahahaha...yie wan...i always bom u hor...haha..but now want to say something to you la...you are a good friend in my heart...always rescue me when i drop into 'hell'....really thanks....i want to say...you really quite good in comforting people...haha....(paiseh la..say so much such things to you)dun bom me back nah!!!hahaha..or else i 'kill' you...kaka~wong yie wan!!!!can u be my best friend forever??kakakaka~waiting ur answer ya^^ don't u forget me ya~as u always for get things=.='...i will beat u^^kaka~still remember the trip at k.l?always be me..u ..chuey sien sweet memories..right?haha^^always miss that....will be my sweet memories forever....

JESSILYN~~my cute..kind..most friendly sister in my life....always concern me...always willing to share anything with me...we actually have know each other when we 5 years old!!!!she is the first one to protect me....from being bullied by others...haha...that time..i really very admired her...sis!!!you always my best sister !!!!!i miss you o~~although you have transfered to Seremban...but like what you said....your spirits always with me...ya..i know...and i also know...'best friend's heart will always together'....sis..i always waiting you back to here ya...you are my most good sister!!!!

YAR MEI~~always in her 'love world'....i also duno how to do ..so that she will not suffered again in her 'love world'...of course..i know love is very complicated....sometime can make you happy until want crazy...but sometime can make you...sad until...you duno actually what you should do...and realise you really do nothing to cheer urself up...i know...and sometime can make you miss someone until ...other people will think...ur thinking world...only got 'him'....and in fact...when you in love...ur thinking way really got 'him'....haha...but dun consider i am very experienced ...haha...yar mei...you really change a lot from i know you when primary school..from a playful..cute...always happy girl..change to sometime very quiet....and always in sad mood....i just want to tell you that..i really more like your happy face^^hope you happy always ya...no matter you stil treat me as best friend or not...you will always be my best friend in my heart~~

CHUEY SIEN~~haha...from i know that time..a very very pessimistic girl..until i dun brave enough to talk to her...but now she really change a lot....chuey sien..want to tell you that...be optimistic nah!!!gambateh nuuu..i know you can did it better de....gambateh!!fighting^^kaka~chuey sien...i do realise i always can share my sadness with you...and i promise you..k?i will try to share with you all when i am sad...will not hide myself again when i go to 'hell'...i waiting u all rescue me ooo~~hahahaha^^chuey sien..you also will be my best friend forever...dun always thinks that you have less friends,k?actually..around you...a lot friends..still very concern about you....of course ..me and yie wan!!!!we will always upport you in our bottom of heart^^

LING FEI~~haha^^duno since when i become very close to her...because of science club?or because we are super crazy of online...hahahaha^^from her...i know about tvxq^^a wonderful group singing and dance group in my heart....ling fei ar...hmm...from outside...i can see she quite cool...hahahaha...but..when i more close to her...hmm..i think she quite a good friend...always happy...and easily satisfied...once she hear tvxq songs..she will become very happy...hahaha..and her xiah!!!!haha..izzit ur hubby?hahahaha...hmm...sometime easily become shy...haha...i can see ur face turn red de ooo~~kaka~ling fei...dun say you not good in comforting people la,k?when i am sad..you willing to be my listener..i already vey happy..thanks..really thanks...in my heart..you always a good listener...really^^...

MARIA~~hmm...a weird girl...until now...i also not very understand her...haha^^her thinking way really very complicated...maria...can you tell me..how is ur thinking way??hahahaha...no matter how i dun understand you...but you still my best friend in my heart..dun ever said you not good enough be my best friend,k?you really a good friend already...when i am sad...i always like to share with you also...you sometime give a good advice to me..really^^..i dinlike cheat people de...kaka~and thanks...when i too crazy want say about my idol things...haha..you are the one willing to hear...you are my best friend!!!hear that???hahaha...

MIN JIM~~hmm...hw to describe this person ni...when he be my science club's president...i feel this guy is just like a cool guy....and mayb quite fierce ....kaka~but after get closer to him...i realise he is just a nice guy....dun even a cool man la...a very kind person...willing to help people...^^....hmm...he have a lot of friends ...mayb uncountable?haha~and is a person very pro in study...wonder his mind is hw...kaka~i wan to say to u that....thanks to support me all the time^^i really appreciate that....gambateh for ur f6 ya~i know you can did it...do have confident to urself...^^i will always support u too...

wow...finally finish my best friends part!!!kaka~too long d..kaka~hmm..myself ar?still got what thing that i wan to say about myself ni...is a timid person too...hahaha..scared this and that...sometime i also duno actually i scared of what...hahahaha...weird..izzit?haha...i really duno how to describe la..y don't you all try describe??can?plsss...i also want to know how i actually in you all heart...haha^^hoooh...finally finish....friends^^left comments ya^^i state above about you all..izzit right?kaka~if din right...tell me bah^^let me know you all more^^

School time....

2008-04-10T11:32:00.000-07:00
Before this...i always very lazy want go to school...coz i actually is a sleeping pig...kaka~(always say people..but actually myself is a sleeping pig)..kaka~always lazy want wake up early in the morning...and always sleep at school till school bell ring...kaka~But,nw...really exactly contrast....i really miss school time.....miss the moment i can play with my friends....miss the moment i can always see my friends.....miss the moment i can talk with friends anytime at school...really very very miss....regret din appreciate school time....Actually i may will go back school to study form6....but...without my best friends...i think even i can back to school time...i also will not as happy as before....but maybe just will become more sad....

Looking the classroom...which full of me and best friends laughter....now..just left a beautiful memories....looking at the chair in the kantin...which me and best friends sat before...of course...is eat..and talking...the place which me and my idol always sit...before we going to library....the place which i see her cute eating face...and even practice songs with my best bakat group at there.....looking at the library....which me and my idol always study 2gether....the place where we become closer and closer.....even the last day at school...we spend our precious time ... study at the same table for the first time....which she said she will never forget....forever....the place first time we communicate by using writing...coz she is having ulcer...i will always remember the sweet moment like what u said....looking at the corridor ...i will remember i always play with my friends....my best friend...always play childish at there....although childish...but i still very miss ....although i always quarrel with you...but actually those quarrel now already not a pain for me...but still a sweet memories for me...ya...everytime we quarrel..our relationship...just always become closer...really weird....looking at previous classroom...i think back the sweet memories i sit with all my best friends...who is a funny person...sit with her...really enjoy..coz she always think of some weird game or topic to play....haha~i also very miss that...looking at stadium...the stage...which i always stand for my singing performance...with my best group~i miss that time....we practice songs 2gether....always so happy....with the same interest...that is we all like music....i really very like my group~i will never forget....and of course...first time i let everyone know i know how to sing....i guess some people may shocked with me..coz i always keep quiet infront of them..but suddenly sing...haha~and of course first time for me..won champion of BAKAT CHUNG HWA....but..without support from my dear idol and best friends...i will not stand at the stage to sing....not only stage...but also behind the stage...the place for me to feel scared before perform my singing...i realise which friends really concern about me....which friends always support me...which friends hold my hand tightly...and we scared 2gether...

School time which is sweet with my best friends around....best friends..is just a key...and happiness is just a lock for me....to make me happy...only best friends able to do that...without them..school time no longer a sweet one....memories no longer a sweet memories...but...i still want to say...me now...who everyday having pig life...really miss school time...although busy every day...but damn happy at that time....really very happy...if an angel appear ...let me make a wish...i will wish time can go back...let me go once again for those sweet school time again....busy...but meaningful and enjoy.....

Sweet friendship.....

2008-04-06T20:55:00.000-07:00
For me,friendship is sweet....When you feel your friends so concern about you,your heart will suddenly feel very sweet...then sometime maybe able let you to feel...your body is 'flying' ....

Last few days...I really very sad....coz of certain reason...about my family problems....but i think i don't want mention in this blog...just because...this is family things bah...i not suppose to post in blog...and let anyone know about that....when i am sad,i not used to tell anyone....just usually..i will write in my msn personal message....So,few friends...saw my personal message..then will find me to chat....ask me the reason i sad....the first friend...when i tell her about my family problems,my tears already keep on dropping...not only from eyes...but the tears also keep on 'dropping' in my heart...pain...very pain...then..after her..another best friend...come to find me...i really so wish to tell her...coz i know she is my best friend....and i really need her advice....her advice may be the perfect 'medicine' for me already....but.i just can't...coz i don't want let my tears drop for second time again...but,i really feel very touched...for her concern...as she always said,she is a bei4 dong4 people....but whenever i am sad,she still automatically find me to chat...this is just like telling me...she try to change to zhu3 dong4 just for me....

now,i know...you really concern about me...thanks...really thanks...thousands of thanks....i just want to say to you....you really my true friend....but..at last..i still din tell her...i direct offline..then close my computer....and sleep on my bed to calm down....calm down and calm down...finally...the next day...i really feel better....so,the next day..i find her..and express everything to her..ya...at the time when i am express my feeling..and say out everything...my tears drops again....still dropping in my heart...even i myself also dun even realise when tears start to drop again....but after tell her everything..i really feel very good already....althought still cannot find ways to solve my problem...but i already feel very thankful to her...everytime...really everytime...when i am sad..she sure will appear again...then try her best to advice me.....

Such friendship...i duno how to say...coz i just feel such friendship is really very amazing....when i know her for the first year..the whole year..i think we never talk till ten sentences...but in contrast...we become a pen-pal...weird?haha...ya..really weird....but more weird...is try to imagine...you can feel your friendship with her more closer and closer per year....after your 'hardwork'....what is that 'hardwork'??thats is never stop to write letter...always waiting her....always support her...always ..and always treat her as your best friend...finally now,she know how to appreciate our friendship....know how to concern me...know how to advice me...know how to support me back...and know how to wait me back....this is just a wonderful result that i want for this friendship....so i can say...i will never regret..for what i have did and sacrifice just for this wonderful friendship....never regret....I will appreciate such wonderful friendship till the end of my life...without any regret...without give up again....

No matter u still will think back whatever you did to me ...before this...in your deep heart....i just wan to tell you...don't ever think it again...just throw everything sad..when you think about me....just think that...we will be best friend forever...and ever....what i want to steal from my best friends?ya...i want to steal their heart...let me feel their feeling...let me know their sadness and happiness...so that i can share with them anytime....and let me know how they think about me..if i not good enough to be a good friend...i will change immediately....what i want say to all my best friends?hmm..if got any sadness...can always tell me....i willing to share everything with all of you...although may not able to help you all..but i will try my best....for you...i just want to tell you...you will always be my good friend....really...no matter what you did for me before this...but all of this already disappear from my mind...disappear forever...dun even will appear again....now...in my dictionary...just got 'best friend forever' this words....and always keep in my deep heart....

the heart....

2008-04-03T07:53:00.000-07:00
The heart pain feeling always around my heart...never stop...just sometime become better...but sometime may become worse...which let my heart unable to beat like normal again...full of scared...full of wound...full of 'sword'....now maybe already broke into pieces....but 'it' can still being 'save' by friend's support and concern...family comfort....Most important is it stil in need of time...duno how long...one months more...two months...one year???!!!this is uncountable....noone can predict of tat..even me myself...i can't control this heart already....sometime really think that is it this heart belongs to me?if it is really belong to me...why i always want 'it' to become happy...but 'it' always know how to pain only....THAT IS MY HEART.....but dun worry...i will keep myself happy....i will try my best to happy although so many sadness happen to me...but i know one way to cure this heart...is me myself...only me myself can save this heart..I really hope...'it' will recover as fast as possible...so that smiles can always appear in my face....be back before always play jokes and will not try to hide from anyone ...THE REAL HUI SAN....i will try ..try my best...i know someone may can let my this heart being save faster....guess who are them?ya...they are called 'BEST FRIEND' and 'FAMILY'...their concern maybe let this heart alive again...then beat very normal....ya..i really need this....except time is the best medicine...this all concern also can call as medicine for me...ya..i will recover..for sure...even the time in need is uncountable...but i still will try to keep myself happy like before....will not let anyone worry..,thats is what i have to do....someone told me...live happily is most important things...ya...now i really think so...and i already learn not to think too much..i will learn....i really wish can be HUI SAN that less have sadness...but will bring happiness to my friends....because friends may create a rainbow in my life....when they happy...then i will happy too...ya...maybe what u all said are correct....THAT IS ME..who is very care for friendship...this maybe is my personality...whithout this personality....THAT IS NOT ME ANYMORE...so i just be back myself...be A REAL HUI SAN again....

haizz..crazy...heart pain for nth...

2008-03-28T02:06:00.000-07:00
Friendship?is it really so important for me?is it i care so much for that?haizz..i think i really crazy..where got people sad for this...but y my heart feel pain coz of that?stupid la!ok..dun keep on blaming myself...try to say what actually happen today first...actually nothing also lar..haizz..just my weakness which are think too much,too care for friends...too sensitive 'appear' again...this all weakness just always 'appear' in my life...which always let my mood 'fly' into a place ...'hell' again..i hate such feeling..really hate...i really hope can change myself...did anyone coz like chat with friends till no topic..so she feel like herself very boring..scared will make friend boring too..so she become sad??!!!did anyone coz scared will make a best friend or can say idol ...bored..so she think hardly what topic she want to chat before she find her that best friend to chat??haizz..is it funny?then i tell u who is this stupid people..THAT IS ME!!!why am i so care for friends?why am i can sad coz of such small thing?sometime i also do not understand myself well...everytime i just hope my friends happy...why am i so CARE FOR FRIENDS???the answer..ya..i know...coz maybe friendship is most precious things in my life..but i think i should change...my words~~'too care for people..you may coz of it then become suffered'...let me feel i wan to change myself...so that i not so care for friends...but...this is just like unchangeable...hard..really hard to change...i hope for an 'angel' which able to use magic and turn me into another type of people...who is always very happy...and always think of positive way...and never think too much about something..i like such characterictics..i hope this all will appear in myself...really hope...but no matter how..i know...FRIENDSHIP IS STILLTHE MOST IMPORTANT AND PRECIOUS THING IN MY LIFE...noone can change it...even myself...what can i do?maybe i just can be back myself.....who is always so appreciate friendship...really can make anything just wan her best friends happy..THAT IS ME...izzit what i said are right?just give me your opinion...but dun worry..i am alright!!!hahaha..even heart pain..but just a bit..still not going to 'hell' this place..don't worry..^^

Time is THE BEST medicine for me....of course,support from friends and family oso a good medicine..Thanks ...

2008-03-23T06:40:00.000-07:00
From THAT DAY till now...i think have 2 weeks d...my mood become better now...and start to know 'how to smile' d...maybe time let my sadness become less...and my heart not so pain d...thanks...friends...and my lovely mum...without u all...i think i duno myself become how d..a 'dead body'??or?din brave to imagine...haha..mum...I promise you...next time..I will not let you disappointed again...That is my PROMISE to you...ur words let me feel very touched....and let my tears flow again....friends..if I have did anything wrong to you all..like being cool to u all..sorry...I just duno how to control myself that time..please forgive me,k?although say mood have become better...but 'the wound in my heart' can never recover...the only just can become better....sometime still will feel pain whenever think back ....sometime apply whatever things ...sometime when I hear my friends going to college...sometime when i hear friends can apply scholarship....haihzzz..this all I just cannot control myself ....my heart will pain automatically....sometime really 'hate my heart'...why don't just 'keep quit'...don't pain too much??hahahaha..funny,izzit?I just can say...I still need time bah..but is uncountable...duno will last for how long...really duno...but don't worry bah..atleast i still can be back like before de hui san...haha..who will still bom people...and play around with friends..don't worry...hahahha...

Now...my future is just blur....80% i think is form6....but sometime suddenly mind will move to college...hahaha...i really hate to think about it....maybe i should concentrate to f6...and have a good result when STPM...that's all...izzit?hahahaha...and dun think too much can d...hahahaha....yayaya...i think i should be like this...then everything can be settle d..I will not be so 'luanzzzz'...hahaha...I hope this world will have a medicine which eat then will not think sadness d...just will think happiness...then can happy for whole day d...hahahaha...

last....thanks again to all my friends...and sorry let u all worry me...good luck to all of you ya...good luck for u all future....I will always support you...hmm...duno how are one of my best friend ni..who go visit hospital de...hahaha...hope you have fun ya...when u back...i am ready to hear ur story....oh ya...and i am very happy to hear u wan back to kel d...and i know u very happy now...hahahaha...c u that time..miss you^^...hahahaha...hmm..ya...and one of my friend oso wan birthday d niiii..i will help her countdown de...kakakaka...hope she will enjoy when she birthday...^^

Most sad days in my life till now....

2008-03-15T07:01:00.000-07:00
Keep on blaming myself...heart keep on feeling pain...tears keep on dropping....keep on hiding myself from anyone....that is my life in this few days....friends....thanks for concern me...and sorry coz din reply u all messages...i not dun wan reply...but...duno how to reply...Just like what i said before...I had 'fall down' many times...If I 'fall down' again...I duno myself will become how...Now,I know d...I just like a dead body...no smiles appear at my face...nothing can cheear me up...got to see my parents disappointed face...such life is just like I had 'fall down'into a place called 'hell'...noone can rescue me from that place...But,I promise myself and parents...I will 'stand up' again...now I starting a new life...but still no smiles could appear at my face....I will fight against for STPM...coz I know that is the only way that I wan rescue my future....If I 'fall down' again..I ...my future...will just gone like that...disappear ...So,I will not let my future become like that...I will 'stand up'again...friends...don't worry...But,I still can't even face anyone of my friends..now...even best friends....I don't want become an 'obstacle'of your all happiness...I just let myself sad alone...and din express to anyone this few days....sorry..friends...I can't sure whether before de Hui San will still appear infront of you all or not...maybe will become another people without smiles...just in her study world...coz not to let her future gone...maybe Hui San will change into such type of person....

That day....I will never forget...the day which I first time found no place for me to go...scared to go home...but finally still feel home is the best place for me to hide...mum keep on blaming me...but finally..still comfort me...I feel very touched...at that time,I just realise my mum....is so good....but more good she treat me..more tears dropping from my eyes...coz I let her disappointed...sorry..really sorry....maybe for SPM,I really din try my best..but I really promise...I will fight harder for STPM...I promise....no more play....

friends...I duno how to face you all..this situation duno will last for how long...few days?fe months?or?i really duno...just can say sorry...I promise you all..I will not give up...will not hurt myself...but...I can't promise smiles whether still can appear at my face and can't promise whether I will become before de hui san who play around with you all...I am no longer a good friend maybe....just can tell you all...I am stil ok..although now I still live in 'a sad world'....I have pass my car exam...and I maybe no need go NS already...thats all I wan to tell you all....

2morrow will be a sad day...or a happy day?haihzz...

2008-03-11T05:30:00.000-07:00
2morrow...spm result will be announced d...haihzzz....duno what actually my feeling now..i myself also duno what i feel...haihzzz...upset?scared?or excited?haihzzz...my feeling right nw just like a 'rojak'....I really very hope 2morrow will be a happy day....really....I can make a promise...want me do what also can...just let me get good result...No matter want me do what also can...really..even want let me choose...spm result or car exam...I will choose spm result be better....car exam...want me fail AGAIN also never mind..I really say what I think....but...haihzzz...say like that also useless la...haihzzz...2morrow ...a sad day?or a happy day till I can't forget till the end of my life??i really don't know...hope there is a miracle happen to me...really hope....god...hope you bless me...friends...If U all sms me 2morrow..but I din reply..then that mean I need time to calm down..please let me calm down for few days bah...then i will reply u all de...I promise...I know you all worry me...but give me some time to calm down bah...ok?thanks...good luck to you all ya...

haizzz...damn sad la...dun even brave to reply my friends message which ask my car exam de....haizzzz....

2008-03-06T00:55:00.000-08:00
haizzz...2day i pass my car exam which at Jalan Raya...but failed at inside there..mountain there...zzzz...very hate the mountain...I actually already reach that yellow line eh....but just can't go down from that mountain...haizzz...I really very sad la...I also keep telling myself...still got next time chance wat...what for I sad?but my heart still so pain...haizzz..2day just come back from home...I just sleep on my bed...but not sleep...just keep on thinking my car exam....whole of myself just no energy at all d...like a dead body lying on the bed....damn mountain!!!I hate it....I hope next time my car exam will succeed d...If still failed at mountain there,I really duno how I become d....haizz..sorry ya friends...let u all disappointed and I also let myself disappointed....haizzzzzz...

my little sis...

2008-02-21T08:59:00.000-08:00
One secret in my heart never said to others...just some of my best friends that I trust most.....but, today I just decide this secret is no more secret to me...I am going to tell everyone...coz I want to say that no matter how, I am proud and happy having her as my sister...

My sister is not like normal person...she got a bit like can’t hear what we said...and can't talk like normal people...so sad to said that...sometime my heart very pain when see my little sis like that....ya… really sad...especially every night, I try to talk to her. She said that at school, she does not have friends...every friend don’t want to care of her...some of them even bully her...I really want to cry when hear that...haizzz… My pity sis...sometime I really think that I am useless sister...coz can't protect her from being bullied...I so wish I can scold whoever bully my sister. But I scare if I scold them, they will bully my sister more...and don't wan be friend with my sis d...and my sis will sad again...so I just can't do anything....haizzz...what I can do is…share any sadness with her. When she cries, I hug her tightly…when she happy…hope she will always happy….then I don’t know what I can do d…do u all think I am useless?? haizzz…

My sister sometime is very naughty...but I know...she actually is still a good girl....she want my mum give her more money...coz she want buy something for her friends...but she don’t know whatever she buy… her friends also will not like it...she want every day she go school she look beautiful because she wan her friends will like her and be friend with her....every time she bring food to school, she sure want to bring more...coz she want to let her friends eat....everything she do, just for her friends...but her friends never want to be true friend with her...she not don’t want to study hard, but coz she can’t hear clearly what we are saying…what her teacher are teaching…so she can’t score well in exam…I know…I know she have try her best…but the teachers will not ever understand her…keep on scolding her…I know you are suffered… haizzz...every time I see her like that...I really feel very sad....very very sad...but,I just want to said that I will never give up to teach you…try my best to teach you…never give up…

I promise to myself...no matter how, I sure will protect her till the end of my life....ya… Till I die that day...I sure will take care of her till that day...I promise...I will try my best not to let her being hurt by anyone...make sure she will not cheated by anyone...I love you…Sis...in my bottom of heart...you always is my good sis....forever....In this world, you are the one that I love most…

other best friends...........

2008-02-19T04:46:00.000-08:00

I think until now...my blog just mention two best friends...so now I am going to mention other best friends also...haha...first of all, hmm…this best friend also can call as my sister...haha...we know each other since we study kinder garden!!!I still remember when I am small...coz i too short...haha...so I always being bullied by other friends. She is the one who willing to help me and protect me...but when we go primary school, although we study the same school. But we don’t know why. We din brave to friend again to each other...maybe scare recognize wrong people. As that time kinder garden we still small...and the memory about each other is quite blur...haha... but maybe coz of destiny bah...we can same class when form 3...at start from that time, we become more and more good...even closer than best friend...and then start to talk about kinder garden...she really that one protect me from being bullied de 'big sister'!!!! haha...then until now. Although she has transferred to Seremban, but we still keep in touch...always keep in touch....but we really long time din meet each other d...damn miss her....she is my good sister...forever...

Another best friend is a cute girl that I know her when standard five...I just remember at that time, I am also a playful girl...so I always play with her...when the school bell ring, we still will stay at our class to play...if din wrong, at that time, sometime we will play to act in drama. of course, me such not good in acting sure will not do such things...haha...just she and her one best friends...I also still remember something that happen between us...got one time, when teacher are teaching, she always play with me...and we talk a lot...then the teacher very angry...and scold us...and use her 'Rotan' to beat us...then I start to angry her...I also don’t know why...is our two wrong...but I angry her ..haha.. of course, after that we still be a good friend la...haha.. But after she go for good class when standard six...we become less talk to each other already....and when we go for secondary school, our friendship is like sometime good. Sometime not good...I also don’t know why...but till now, sometime still got chat with her with msn...I still treat her as best friend la. .although I don’t know she treat me as beat friend or not....

then another best friend....hmm..This one, I know her when form 4...coz we same class bah...and maybe coz of destiny again. I have to sit with her who is like stranger for me...but after some time, we start to become best friend...and sometime really like crazy when at class...haha...she is just a 'kai1 xin1 guo3'...always make people smile...that time. I really very happy sit with her...haha...coz she always have an new idea...new idea to play! so that we will not get bored when teacher is not around...sometime i really 'pei4 fu2' her d...haha...I also believe she is a friend who is also care for friends de...got one time...her friends have go to 'a place which is very far away'...so she cried every day...although school din give, but she still want c her friends...that time,i really realizes this people...dun c she always play like crazy...but actually sometime she can be very serious...and really care for friends...haha..She also very like to 'boom' people...always call me 'small eye monster' de...but actually I already admit la..haha..my eye is small. But just wan boom her also So keep on ignoring...hahahaha...till now, we sometime got out together...like go to some place together...and of course we also have a trip to K.L together...haha.. This trip really quite fun.I thinks I will not forget....always be a sweet memory....Best friends is those who can share everything with you...no matter is sadness or happiness...so i always appreciate friendship....I always remember my best friends....especially now. I really damn miss them....haizzz...even in the dream. I also can c they...can imagine how miss I am to them....hope to meet them again...

other friend...if din c i mention in this blog...dun be upset ya...in my heart,maybe u still my best friend...really...next time when free,i will write it out again...be patient to wait ya..haha..coz this post too long d...haha..

for me,u are a good friend....

2008-02-13T19:12:00.000-08:00
For me,you sure are my best friend....you always said before this you have did wrong to me..but,actually i never angry you or blame you...in contrast,i still very appreciate our friendship....and i feel very touched when you said you will never did wrong to me again especially now...but will really appreciate everything that i gave u...thanks...although u have went to k.l to study,and sometime when i think back school time...we always can talk every day...meet every day......i really feel sad...but now i realise...although u have went to k.l...we cannot meet every day,talk every day...but,in contrast,i feel our friendship become stronger...maybe coz we always keep in touch with each other by sending message....one week message you one time...but can chat until whole day...i also duno why can chat so long...hihi...thanks...reply my every message...i really feel touched...you really have changed...

But,someone said something about you....let me feel blur...are you really such kind of people...but,in front of me,you just a wonderful friend....No matter how,i think i just will believe what i see for now....in front of me,you just a nice friend...always think of other friends....care for friends....appreciate friendship....treat me as your best friend....so,i will not say anything bad about you...no matter other ppl said what...in my heart,you are my good friend...never change ...coz i really appreciate this friendship....although other people just will feel weird...did i treat you more than what a friend should do....ya..i admit...i really treat you better than some friends...but just only for friendship...no others....i also will not care what other peoples think...i just believe me myself and you....we both know well....we just are best best friend....this is forever....

friends leave again....haizzz....heart damn pain day....

2008-02-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i met my best friend d....and this is the first time i went to her house....after 2 months did not met her...when i saw her,i just wanted to hug her tightly...coz too happy to meet her...but still did not brave to do so...hihi...shy....quite happy coz can talk with her...once again can saw her smile...but i think next time i better go her house alone....coz my friends that along with me not so closed with her...so i like let my friends feel bored...sorry o...friends....and i also cannot talk too much with her lor,coz will feel shy of what i trying to say out...just when i want give her presents,i also very shy....coz infront so many friends...haizzz...but i am very happy that she like it and used already the handphone cover that i gave her...

But,when want come back,i very she3 bu4 de2....so wish can by her side...like when school time...that time,can meet every day...talk every day....i am really very happy at that time ....especially when form 3...every day just like a happy day....but,now just want meet once but got to wait till few months....haizzz...really damn miss school time....2day she back to k.l d....every time when i think of she leave kelantan d...i really feel very bad....haizzz....got to wait for another 2 months.....to meet her already....

The another scary day want arrive already....i really very scare.....coz i know...if i get bad result...i will not be brave to c anyone...even my closest friends...so i really very scared....haizzz...my biggest weakness.... is no confident at all....sometime i also very hate myself being like that...but no idea...don't know how to control myself....haizzz...but got to face also...so i think i should not be worry so much....haizzz....i will try to control myself....try......

i also feel touched....although u had go k.l...but still sms with me like every day...share everything with me...especially 2day...sms with me whole day just to comfort me...thanks....i am very proud...happy for having u as my best friend...u always be my best friend.....never give up such a wonderful friendship....always remember u in my mind....in my bottom of heart.....waiting to meet u on another days.....i will keep on waiting...miss u,my best friend...gambateh 4 everything ya...whenever bored...just sms me..i will always willing to share everything with u.....no matter is happiness or sadness....let us face the scary day 2gether o~~i hope my result will be ok...really very hope...or else i will not be brave to meet anyone..even u....sorry o...coz feel shame of myself....

Music is my soul............

2008-01-11T05:15:00.000-08:00
Music....without music...I think I will be bored till crazy d....and don’t know how to express myself d...I don’t know u all will be like me or not....when I am unhappy or very happy....sometime a music will play in my mind d...like when I miss a person....my mind will play Dong Ban Shin Ki song..."I believe'...inside this song...although this song is a Korea song...and I can says that I cannot understand what they are singing....but I can use my heart to feel this song.....sometime can sing till cry...did u believe???i also don’t know why I will like that....inside this song...just have such sentence...the only sentence I know....coz it is write in English...'I can't let u go...u are the only one in my life'.....just make me touched and feel like wan to cry when thinking about my dear friends....

Somebody ask me how I can be so emotional when I sing a song....I also don’t know...maybe u just try to put yourself into the song.....in your mind....try to think some memories....happy song...think happy memories....sad song...think of sad memories....use your 'heart' to sing that song...your whole person are inside the song...not only your mouth...I think just like this...can sing till very emotion d....sometime music is very suitable to express yourself....when u sad...sing out all your sadness....when u happy....sing out every happy things....let others also can feel your happiness....

maybe some of u all don’t know what are memories....I think every person...in their mind....will remember something de....some images....Memories can include sad and happy de....sad memories actually not no good also...it can guide us into our life....happy memories...when u just think of it....u will feel your heart very 'sweet' d....your face will automatically come out a smile...I like such feeling....so sometime I always think of some happy memories....although it might let me more miss my friends. but at least u and your friend happy event all keep in your mind....in u and your friend's hearts.....always in u all heart.....never can disappear....never will forget....

Too care someone ...sometime it might let me feel tired???

2008-01-10T06:11:00.000-08:00
2day is my best friend birthday....b4 this..i have ready all presents and surprise for her...although at that time i already feel sick...but i just still try my best to prepare all things....but suddenly the surprise plan cannot go on...so make me feel so disappointed...coz duno why...i hope this best friend will feel happy when her birthday...just wish her very happy...So,at that time..i dunno what should i do..change the plan???or?finally oso settle d la...atleast she get surprise when i give her the big present..when i go 2 meet her..i give her my own present to her..then me and another friend bring her to cityjaya...pretend to walk around only..then i quickly get the big present which i share with some friends,bought b4 her birthday de to her...haha..she feel shocked..and surprised...c her like that..i feel very happy d...Then,i got to celebrate with her class friends..although i not so close to them..but coz of my this best friend...i just keep on smiling to them..and try to talk to them bah...i just 1 say..i already try my best....but dunno whether i am sensitive or...i just feel her...when with her class friends..she feel not so happy....dunno why...haizz...hope is me sensitive bah....

When my surprise plan cannot go on ...then when i thinking another plan..suddenly i feel so tired...In this moment,some questions appear in my mind...'i try so hard to let my friend happy...until sometime i really tired....is it worth?did they feel my care to them??or ?dunno why...just feel like that suddenly...b4 this,when i try my best to make presents for my friends....i never get tired...but now bcum more and more tired...is that because i older d??or?i get tired coz of friendship???but why i get tired coz of friendship??because i sometime feel disappointed to them...maybe sometime too care a person,when that person did not do wat u wish..u will feel disappointed and suddenly feel tired about wat u did to them...is it like that i felt???i really dunno...haizzz...my mood is so complex..till i dunno why i am tired and got a bit sad....duuno why....

But i feel very happy is ...2day...another best friend or idol have accompany me..sms with me for whole day long...really wan say 'thanks you' to her...when i feel tired or sad...i always can share with her...thanks...really...wat i sure is when i try my best to this best friend...i never feel tired..dunno why....b4 this...ya..she got let me disappointed...but maybe is me the one..too sensitive d....no matter how...i know u care for me....thanks....let me feel touched again....

friendship....true friends really exist....

2008-01-05T23:36:00.000-08:00

When I was in primary school...in my mind...friends?? Friends just like who can accompany me to play...to talk.....nothing can be done with friend...but, start from secondary school....don’t know why...is that I become matured? Or the true friend in my life had existed? my answer always is 'don't know'....at first ...during form 1,i feel very bored at my class...cause no one friend which I know...so every time go to my class...just like hell...but after half year....I have found many true friend in that class...and of course found my idol...who is very clever.. .Smart in her studies...polite....at that time, I can never think...in this world. got such perfect person....from her, I learn many things....I learn to be hardworking...we have to work hard to achieve success...from her, I realize...my ambition...although this ambition may not be true...but, at least from her encouragement...I had entered singing competition...just I honestly tell everyone that. Without her, I will not enter any competition...this is because I always is a person who is lack of confidence...I always din have any confident...I just realize....from singing, I found my confidence....

This idol...not only such an idol so simple...she is also my best friend...whenever I sad. happy...I always wish to share with her everything....maybe this is what I called "true friend'...I just remember one time...form 4...I cried very sadly...she come to comfort me...but when I c her, I cry more...don’t know why...maybe because...we cannot behave like nth in front of friends that we trust....we appreciate....I also remember...how she treat me...one day which is rain very heavily...we walk together to go back from primary school...she scared me sick...so she bring along an umbrella from her car so that I will not sick because of rain...my god. This really make me feel touched....in my heart. Thousands of thanks can never be said to her....

When I win in a singing competition, she is the first person run from the stage...we hug each other...that is really a sweet memory...I think I can never forget it...never...in my life...got one time...we just like having 'cold war'...we din talk to each other...din care each other....whenever I pass by her class...actually I very care of her...but I always pretend not to care her...even c her. She always wants to say 'hello' to me. I know. but I always pretend din c her....when I am outside of her class...she is looking at me...I know....I know her heart sure feel pain...as I din care her for few weeks...actually my heart also pain like u....finally she wrote me a letter...'in her heart, I always is her best friend...'then. .hundreds .thousands of sorry appears in my heart again...I know...both of us are wrong...but thanks...to say this sentence to me. Maybe I just need this sentence to be friend back with u again...in my mouth. I always say to other friends. I wan forget about u... because I know. After from 5...like now’s already left me and go to study d....i just dun wan myself to suffer...cause i miss u. . .My dear friend...actually In fact...I never forget about u...it just cant easily to forget u....five years friendship....not so short...and not so long...but for sure...all sweet memories are all inside this five years....which let me when thinking about u...my heart just half sweet and pain...pain cause miss u...sweet cause u also bring happiness to me...friends...i always hope u are doing good....always take care...I will miss u in my bottom of heart...waiting to meet u....always support u...I will never forget the story begin when we meet each other....and such wonderful friendship between us....thanks for being my best friend....

Another best friend who always support me......I think she is changing me......when form 1.......I just din feel like want talk to anyone....she is the first person to talk to me...who try to understand me...at first, I just feel why this person always disturb me.....but at last, like now......I already learn to appreciate her...whenever I have sadness......she sure by my side...whenever I happy...we sure share together...play like a fool......that other people will not understand us...they just curious why... just we appreciate this friendship...care of each other......whenever we argue......we sure cry for each other...is that funny?...in my mind, when I am crying...I know she also will cry like me...I also remember when form 4..i cried badly...she just accompany by my side...I blame her...cause I don't want let her c my sad face...but she just din care...always accompany me...although I blame u..But in my heart Thousands of 'thanks' appears....and I really feel touched....thanks...when at tuition, we always play like a fool too...even teacher also ask. Ha-ha...that’s really a sweet memories...believe me. I will never forget....especially those cute nick names that we create....hihi...I also never forget....

We also have same interest....that is sing....start from form 3, we start to perform singing together....with a group...although we does not get the first prizes...but I will not forget the happiness when we practice songs together....never forget....and at that time, I just really realizes...the stage is the place that I can found my confidence....because of your encouragement...I just can be brave to stand on the stage....thanks...really thanks....without you, I also will not sing for my first time solo songs in the stage ....really.....when I am scare, your warm hand just can calm me down....thanks...really thanks...believe me, I will not forget you....maybe ...maybe i will forget your name....but not your appearance....because your face already 'curved' in my heart...never disappear...never...

True friend really exist....they will just share anything with u all...just try to appreciate friend...I just always believe. If we care for them they sure can feel it...and they will try to appreciate us...then a wonderful...sweet...friendship will happen between us......friendship???someone told me...it just like love...I don’t know...I just know...without friends...best friend...my life just like empty....no happiness...no at all....and the life just have no meaning at all....I cannot imagine when no friends around...just cannot imagine...so, I just wan to say....friends. Whenever u all at where...I will never forget u all....my heart already 'recognize' u all...so in the rest of my life I also will never forget u all....believe me...I will appreciate friendship....it is most precious thing in my life...no other things can replace it...friendship just like a miracle...